It Is My Own Fault, I Guess

Everything is probably my own fault.  That is no comfort.

I hate Valentine's day almost as much as New Year's day.   If I hadn't died some years ago and chased everyone out of the wake, I would most likely feel differently about holidays.

If this state of affairs is my own doing, then why is it so hard to find ways to change it?  If I can cause this vacuum in which I live, can I cause it to be different?  Maybe not.   But I should be able to fix it somehow.

My own company is grating on me, for a long long time.  Dozens of years most likely.  The company of certain others was great.  Why did I let them go?  Probably because I never caught up enough with myself to feel worthwhile and not embarrassed by my short comings and the chaos that surrounds my being.

Could be a lack of a special kind of trust.  Growing up where I did, with so much betrayal in my life and surroundings, I guess that could be a factor.  My tendency was to trust proven liars and jerks.  Miami was rife with shallow conformity and its own brand of cruelty.  I observed plenty of that.  I was a part of some of it, much to my later remorse.  I went along with it less that most and have never understood it very well.

I was lonely then, and I am equally lonely now.  It wasn't 24/7 lonely all this time.  If it had been, I could not have survived.   I marvel that I have managed to float along this long.  It gets very dark and empty.  That is why I have not obtained any firearms, especially pistols, since I threw one in Buffalo Creek in Greensboro, N.C.

Now I am at an age in which all the socialism forays of our misguided republic kick in.  I will likely go ahead and milk your tax money for my own useless survival.  Thank you, I guess.

I still believe that these things are not the job of government and that it is the corrupt authorities and the corrupt interests who control them that make it seem necessary.  Then it becomes a self feeding monster. Another vicious circle.   But my argument is a hundred years too late.  At least.

I whole heartedly despise the system and the paperwork that goes with anything government.  Probably my abhorrence of the public school experience left me jaded for life.  I was not the brunt of it like lots of others but I hated watching while thuggish kids made life miserable for the sane and intelligent ones, while teachers and administrators focussed on easy targets turning a blind eye to reality.  It is no different out in the world.  I watched Dade county cops ignore the drug kids of Miami racing around in jacked up BMWs and high powered sports cars, then chase after some poor workers in their beater because a tail light was out.

Happens everywhere.  It is not really race that divides these things as much as power.  If you are likely to have friends in City Hall, and raise a big stink, cops avoid you.  If you are likely to shoot them, cops avoid you.  If you are just mild mannered American with no special victim status, and you look like the sort who will just pay it and not argue, they zap you.  I saw that in Memphis.

Except there it was often racial.  Black cops in Memphis often targeted middle class crackers.  It was obvious. People knew it, but we pretend.  As always.

who cares

That is most likely why I am lost in a vacuum.  OK.