Not How It Always Was

I'm pretty sure I look healthier than ever.  I'm pretty sure it is a lie.
Oh well.
Played last night and almost had an attack of the heebie geebie red ant pruritus deal.  The only quick solution other than scalding shower is illegal in most states, even in this one without a card.  But there are drawbacks to that.

You have to weigh things out. The old balance sheet.
Anyway, I experiment with naproxen combined with tylenol.  Crazy.  I think it helps some.

I find it makes me short with people and I say things that seem a little harsh or almost hostile, then wonder what it was I really meant, or why I spoke at all.  So, I have consciously tempered my speech once or twice.  Mostly I just tune out and nod as if I am picking up on the conversation, but I am only catching about 53%.

Music sounds different when I am playing it.  I mean different than other times playing the same thing.  Like one wheel in the sand. Just not quite there somehow.  Crazy world.

Guess I'll go back to bitching about morons in Che T shirts and let it go.

Someone on the aquagenic pruritus email forum, got the ball rolling on a discussion of how their normal body temperature runs low.  It turns out almost everyone there runs low temp.  That was a person who also has essential thrombocythemia, like I do.  So, there may be something to that.

Maybe a way to raise my temp a degree or so would help.  I think they are on to something.  Doctors have yet to figure it out, even though there are specific university departments devoted to related conditions--the pruritus/itching deal.  I resist the word "itch" in relation to it because it is not like a normal itch situation. But I guess that is the closest sensation which may describe it.

My world has been upside down forever, but these last two years have turned it even more upside down and inside out.  My temper is returning and that may be not good.  I don't know.

I am so sick of everyone relishing the status of being victim of others and using it as an excuse for their anger, playing the self righteous game.  Women are angry. People of other than transparency and lack of color are angry.  I am angry but I cannot blame all women, all Mexicans or Cubans, or Africans, though the militants annoy me to no end.  I am just angry because I am.

And I feel self righteous for recognizing that fact, since the ones who buy into the professional victim promoters are too greedy to indulge in some introspection and admit the same thing.  They are angry because life is that way, and society and law and culture tend to fuel anger.  People prefer to have villains to blame for every little thing.  Usually it is garbage, but you can rationalize problems everywhere you go.  You can find insult in most interactions with people.

If you really want to find insult just go to memphis and experience the customer service.  But as sure as you are that the next person will be rude, you'd be slammed by the nicest person in town, and all you preconceived notions get smashed for that moment.  It is so bad.  The one in a hundred that isn't a racial warrior hating you for not being something else queers the damn deal.

That must be how things work in life.  But I wouldn't know.  I am the worst one I know at doing life. Or maybe it is civilization.  Whatever it is, I am not good at it.  You'll never catch me talking much "we" talk as if I speak for humanity.  "aren't we all?"  I hate that.,  How the hell do I know about we all?  And I doubt you do either.

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