No. Transfusion? Don't even know how I feel

So, I finally get to the lab just before they close.
Whatever was in the system about my tests, these people were flustered.  Odd.  Anyway I know the work was to be done within four hours.
I received a call at about 11PM.  Dr. Pham, my new best Phriend, seemed a lot concerned.  Sounded like he would have had me run to nearest medical facility for bone marrow biopsy and transfusion.  I told him I strongly disapprove of this turn of events.

By the way, since google has taken over all, I can't answer or leave comments on my own posts. So here we are again.

I also told Dr. Pham that denial had worked pretty well up until now, and that I think denial as a medical remedy is highly underrated.  He did not even seem amused, which amused me that much more.

It is possible that things have progressed.  I hope not.  I guess I write just to have it out there.  I don't like the feel sorry for thing.  Of course most people wish others did not have pain or illness.  It happens.  If people really cared about pain and suffering they would likely quit waging war and running jails like torture zoos. But that is another thing.

It seems I have just a few red cells to rub together and not much on platelets, which once bounced off the roof. And whites are up.  Of course.  Racist. Recipe for a disrupted day.

I have 2 gigs Saturday, and 1 on Sunday.  Sunday is Adams Av something fair.  We have a nice outdoor stage and play an hour.  Sande has tried in years past to get this gig. Finally made it this year. I do not want to miss it.

Karen, the viola, is back from Greece.  We had a little rehearsal tonight, sans bass player.  That viola sound is just hard to beat sometimes.

I'm actually killing time.  I did not want to get to the urgent care center before my regular hematologist gets in.  I want his advice before any transfusions.  His philosophy is never volunteer for anything to do with medical procedure unless you have to.  "just like the military", he says.   I agree.

But after my phriend, Pham,  called, I find it tough to want to go to sleep.  Maybe I won't wake up.

At rehearsal, I had no trouble playing.  Better than normal I think.  Probably because Karen is back.   But I did get winded walking from the car to the house, 30 feet away.  So with a new bunch of A neg, I bet I have energy.  What if I take on odd new characteristics?

If I was my mother, and certain religions, I would refuse that, and most probably die.  What a weird state of affairs.  That is true. Not exaggerated.  That is why phriend Pham was so, almost pleading.  

There is that one part that all of a sudden feels a bit worse or thinks I feel worse. In reality, about like last night, but a bit better.  The whole thing will be OK.  Finally, medicare and insurance may start paying back as much as I put in.  Up until now, even with the crony socialist subsidies, I have paid far more in than my adventure in healthcare has cost them.   I like it better when I don't cost them or the public so much.   Imagine though, with unsubsidized insurance, the average person must pay way more in insurance than what their health care costs.  

I picked the right time to be poor but not totally indigent. 

Dag nabbitt!!!  It's like the check engine light is blinking.  I can no longer ignore it.  If I need a transfusion, and I am not bleeding, then I am not producing enough blood.  Is this punishment for all the coldhearted years, running ice water in my veins?

And now, if I were those religions, or my mother, I'd be dying quicker than not.  No, I guess I'll hope it is primo A-.  

When you spend as much of your life in sort of a dream, another dimension, it is not such a big deal feeling like you're skirting the edge and could go either way.  The big deal is not knowing how to gage your fellow humans; who to trust, what to say to whom, how to express what was really in here.

The number one big deal is to manage to get everything spic and span and leave no mess or hassle.  That means cutting the government out when and where you can.  That is so sick.  I hope people quit accepting the bullying of the state, one day, and learn how to discern bullying from proper execution of the job.

Would I be feeling weak and woozy if not for Pham's call?  I think not in the same way.  I have taken on Pham's fear.  I get it.  The numbers are bad.  But, usually, I can get by on worse numbers than most.  I don't feel as bad as I could.

You're lucky we aren't married.  If we were you'd be dealing with this babbling first hand.  But the rest of them would be saved.  I would not put this out there.

I just hope I can figure how to get the detritus of my life, whether physical or bureaucratic, cleaned up.  That is my biggest worry.  I guess when I get through this I will hire a crew of independent cleaners and pay them a ton.  Then I can go on without that bugging me.  It is only right, anyway.

I almost wish nothing of this nature had come up so that people could say, with authority, that I was just weak and making up stuff.  But I haven't exaggerated things whenever I tried to confide.  Of course, what are they supposed to do?  Seeking to be understood makes for nitwittery.  I forget how stupid that is.  Seeking to understand has better results.  Not to say there aren't times to understand later, eliminate the threat or aberrant being now.

Let's hope the situation levels out how it should.  I think there is a chance it could.  

Clean place, little pocket change to the righteous, a finger to state, ashes in Gulf Stream or other such locale.  Better be good.
That's all I ask.  Maybe they do this then leave you alone for a few weeks.

Funny.  This bizarre few days, culminating in meeting, by phone, Dr. Pham of the Scripps clinic Phams, and if I had to describe how I feel in a word, the stupid, dangerous word, "love" is all that comes.   Beats a lot of alternatives.

I think I will hang awhile and probably go in way early. The urgent place is 24/7.  Whole thing is a big complex in the lovely La Jolla/Torrey Pines neighborhood.

Clearly, this event is a game changer.  No avoiding the bone marrow biopsy now, unless my Dr tells me something I want to hear.  Lots of people get them regularly.  I do not care to do any more than is absolutely necessary.

This is the craziest turn ever.  Now I no longer want to quit playing music.  I'd much rather do that than not, right now.