Monday, November 6, 2017

More Than That

It is a scary thing in most ways to have to enter a hospital for extended stay with only hours notice.  No time to even go out to your hermit cottage on the mountain, with that wonderful view, and wildlife.

Then after 3 weeks on the inside experiencing things that are for other people, like chemo, hair loss and generally serious talk about your condition, you find out the place on the mountain is basically history to you.  The incredibly kind landlords are putting their place on the market, and that includes the cottage.  Due to typical laws of housing and such they cannot sell the cottage and its property separately.  I was trying to buy it that way from the start.

So, I will probably pay Nov. rent on 15th and give notice that I'll be cleared out by Dec 15th.  The two angels who took it upon themselves to get my stuff out and the place cleaned, while laughing at me and enjoying the whole thing, assure me it will be done by then.  They already have done most of the hard stuff.

I'm glad I cleared out the shed some months ago and set up storage in Alpine.  I arranged another unit downstairs to make their efforts easier.  And to give them fresh space.  The other unit is slightly smaller and upstairs.  Last time I put something in there, not a heavy item, I was winded just half way up the easy flight of stairs.  That was the blood situation heading south into leukemia land.  Who knew?  Not me, though I suspected something was awry.

So soon I am technically homeless but for the kindness and insistence of friends.  It is a fortunate thing.  I have noticed that some people find it both puzzling and annoying that I have such good fortune.  I am not sure I understand that thinking or care to.

For the first time In many years I am happy, and I intend to remain that way.  There is so much to be done if I can get to the other side and thrive enough to do it.  I expect to.   Too much has been too good to forget and let this view of life fade into what it was.   

There have been a few hiccups in the process but overall it is going well.  They finally did another biopsy today.  We hope it too comes out clear of leukemia cells.  Very good chance it will be clear.  Then to see why the slow recovery and slacker output of various types of blood cells.  They may do some things to stimulate it and they may be able to go quicker into the transplant phase.

Got to do that with my situation  Just do.   A number of fortuitous and, one might say, coincidental events had to occur in order for all the good stuff to come together at this time.  That does not escape me  I don't play God's spokesman by claiming a particular reason or crediting a particular deity.  There are people who will fight you over your reluctance to accept their view of life and existence and God or not.  Seems an odd approach.  Any excuse to get angry, I guess.

This is about my 14th second chance in life.  That is when I successfully get a rebuilt and rebooted immune system and blood factory.

What matters does have to do with people and somehow bring a little joy their way.  Still, that does not mean you accept the unacceptable in your attempt to love everyone.  Enabling or arguing with alcoholics can be fruitless and not something that brings joy to anyone.  Those who find it hard not to be jealous or almost bitter over your good fortune are not likely good choices for a future life filled with love.  Seems like an obvious thing but you'd be surprised how much I have indulged those who felt better raining on any parade I might enjoy than being happy for it.   People do get jealous over odd things.  I would never admit that in the past.  I should have.

My new litmus test is, would my brother endure or indulge this activity?  He has been very good at just shutting out those who'd sap his spirit and time.  It is real easy to know the answers.  And I am enjoying employing that private form of respect and love toward him.  He's had much to do with getting me through the darkest of times when I least expected it and most needed it.

I'm sure many people find such love and angels in their own lives and families.  I hope so.  It is a source of pride and gratitude and humility in a sense.  I can finally accept without guilt or shame.  The givers get satisfaction from seeing joy and gratitude.  They know they are altering your life and circumstances.

It has taken me a long time to accept the simplest of truths in life.  Several of them.  I do wish everyone had my good fortune.  Not my disease or mutations but the good stuff that this condition has allowed me to experience and know, not just see.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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