On Second Thought

People are what they are. I'm not out to change them. I have enough trouble changing myself, and I do need to change some key elements.
So, if someone else's issues come into play where I have no intentional influence or effect, then it is just the way it is. They'll probably forget about it. Since I don't really get what it is, why worry?

If I ask myself if I would change members of my family, I can't say that I would. It may require a little dance here and there to avoid certain quirks or attitudes, but that is just how they want to be. It is not my job to write their scripts. When I feel like mine is somehow being written, I get defensive if I am caught by surprise. It's like finding out after the scene is played that I recited the wrong lines, and I never planned on being in the scene in the first place. Best reaction is the least reaction.

I suppose I did not like suddenly being on the spot in a circumstance which never crossed my mind. Hell, I'm a thousand miles or more away from the issue. There is absolutely no way to be true to myself and at the same time behave as if I am a normal person who likes to have a little pride in what family I have left. The difficulty here is not my doing. Plenty of other difficulties are and I choose to avoid owning any more dysfunction than I absolutely ought to.

When it comes down to it, this is a common black sheep syndrome. Even when you cast away the worst of what landed you at the bottom of the heap, the fact that you don't have a wall full of awards and credentials, a long and stable family life, or much else that anyone can brag about, cements your role as least respected, and secretly reviled--in an odd kind of way. I suppose it makes it worse when people who've known you all your life tend to indicate a greater appreciation for you than the ones who did everything right, have so much more to show for it, and feel they deserve greater affection and favor by virtue of such accomplishment.

How can I blame them? It is not uncommon for the ones who didn't stray from the path of least insanity to resent their siblings and others who screwed up, self destructed, and returned to life as if they were the prodigal sons, receiving the affection and approval the good ones feel they never get. The dynamic is probably more complex than the ones with the responsible track record realize, but I think they still wonder why, particularly in the case of siblings, the screw up gets coddled and forgiven so easily. If only they could be forever punished, or even banished, seems to be the underlying thought.

Sorry. It just doesn't work that way. It is hard for the upright members of a family to realize that accomplishment is its own reward, and lack of it, coupled with inexplicable bad judgement and self destruction is its own punishment beyond anything they can imagine---even if others in the family treat the black sheep with more affection than they deserve.

Maybe I am lucky that I can see and empathize with both conditions. I feel bad for being the perpetual screw up of my line. But I feel good that I changed as much of that as I have. It could have been much worse and odds were I'd never have lived to see the year 2000.

I'd much rather be in the position to look after all the others rather than be of little use other than that I seem to have the ability to help the various branches of the tree feel like they are worthy of affection and pride.