Give Me a Grant to Study This

On the subject of shark attacks, I want to check out a few things.

It is a rare occurrence--sharks attacking humans. I saw a thing in which they tested the old adage about how they were crazy attracted to human blood. It turns out they like their normal fishy diet better and aren't overly drawn to it.

What I wonder is if they have collected data on what bite victims have eaten before the attack, maybe going back a few days. Also are those in wet suits more likely to be attacked?

Another thing I'd test, and PETA would hate me, is which types of other mammals are they more or less likely to attack. Not necessarily ones commonly found in the ocean. I'd have a large contained area for the tests, and suggest we start with grizzly and black bears. Just toss one in and see what happens.

Then try a skunk, a dog and cat, a dog or cat which has been sprayed by a skunk. You never know, a useful and effective deterrent may be found.

I'd also test all manner of sonic range. It may be that a tiny little thing on a surfboard that a human wouldn't even hear might run them off. Or maybe just some bear grease. If they are overly attracted to bear, maybe we could do regular sacrifices off shore to keep them happy.

I really want to test this out. In order to do it right, it probably would take more than fifty bears or so. If the skunk thing worked, that may be evident rather quickly. So, only a few of the cute little striped bastards would have to take one for the team.

If they were really on board with this grant, I'd like to see if Gilbert Gottfried is as abhorrent to sharks as he is to me. Toss him in and encourage him to talk under water.

Before I even knew it was him I used to cut the sound or switch channels when the aflac commercials came on. I hated those ads and vowed that if it ever came up I would do what I could to prevent my company from doing business with them. My employer at the time didn't so it never came up. I bet sharks would want no part of that.

And if they did, then we'd know he wasn't a good shark repellant. RIP