In Answer to Whomever

Dear Anonymous

I took your advice and removed the last few posts.  You didn't exactly say to remove them, but you indicated my narration of my inner conflicts and battle not to let depression and other issues beat me has become a bit too macabre and personal for this venue.

Maybe you are right.

My life and mind exist as if in a novel of the "magic realism" variety.   Seriously.  That has probably been my battle, and blessing, from the start.  Although it is possible all the raps on the head before my skull had properly hardened may have contributed to this odd life experience.

This post originally took a slightly different tack at this point.  I hid that, too.  You said something regarding whether my aim was cathartic release, suggesting this is the wrong place.  Your tone or something angered me.  The hint of superiority that the critic at large tends to carry came through I think.   But I dislike most criticism anyway.  

I've heard people say they welcome "constructive criticism".  I don't welcome criticism, period.  But I do know it is needed at times.  I welcome praise, love and interesting sugar mamas.  That latter part is new.  As of now.

Then again, maybe you are right.  What I am looking for is change I find hard to affect.  Maybe that I am looking for miracles.  At least today is better than a couple of days ago.  It is a cloudy world.

No idea how to ease the anger of my friend.  I think that friendship will never be anything but cool from here on out.  I have seen how it works.  That is why there was no contact for many decades.  You never know when you inadvertently make a misstep.   I don't think anything I did was so bad, but I think the MO here is to build off of a trigger and freeze the culprit out.  I've seen it before and even understood, but I still found the willingness to turn on friends who'd been brought into her world, eyes open, was a little off.

Maybe that is how smart people do it.  I tend to hide from people only because I feel I am failing in some way, not because I want to cut the friendship.  If people aren't ill intentioned or trying to make me take on their enemies and demons, I don't generally look for transgressions for which to punish them.

I'm still reassessing everything.  But no matter what is next, I have to first get over this heavy duty cold thing, and get this life halfway under control.  Face the music. Open the mail. Pay the MAN.  Etc.

It has been raining like crazy for days here in SoCal.  Toward the coastal areas people have been riding paddle boards down the street, getting stuck by driving cars in water that is too deep, and other standard SoCal rain madness.  Flash floods happen all over around here when it rains much.  At 3000 feet on a hilltop, I am fairly safe.  Even in parts of Poway people have to build up sandbag barriers around their houses to keep the water out.  It goes down when the rain lets up for awhile.

Nothing like the floods around the Mississippi.

Anyway, Anonymous, I do what I can to try to avoid going completely over the edge.  In the original post I said that if you are a guy I wanted to give you a swift kick in the cajones, but if you were female maybe we should get married, because I don't know how else to get back at you.  You are probably right but you triggered anger in me anyway.

Another thing I mentioned is that by doing things as I do, maybe I am looking for an undefined safety net, or I am just putting things down so if I kick suddenly, it will be no surprise that this has been a rather troubling struggle for most of my existence. It is what happens when you live in the surreal world and do destructive things without ever getting the point.  Like, why would anyone have made that move to NC with the person I did?  Obvious that it would never work.  And on and on.

Idiot savant, sort of.  Or maybe just idiot.  There's no fun in that.  But I am not an idiot, and all this may lead to being in the right place at the right time to save some dear baby child from a speeding bus or other disaster.  I like babies so that would be OK.

If nothing else, those of you who got away know perfectly well that I was your finishing school, helping you through a particular time, preparing you for a wonderful life elsewhere.  I absolutely claim credit for my role in your successes.