OK. Here is the real point

Before it gets lost, the real point is that I was touched by the love and concern and generosity of my family on this recent trip.  Only once did something which reeked of old trigger patterns come up and I kept silent.  Let it go.

But I really did not want the visit to end.  I just wanted to live any of those days forever, in a way.  Because I found myself like a ship afloat with no rudder and no direction when I got home.  

Now my goal is to straighten out some stuff so that I won't have as much risk of being a worry or burden to them.  I am cutting the unhealthy dependencies here in SD, and hoping to get this mess in order.  I have done it before but apparently, like the other times I quit smoking, it was not quite enough.  This time the quit smoking has taken hold for two years.  Maybe the dealing with my basic life and clutter/hiding from reality issue will take this time.

But that is the real point; that family showed me something I did not know I had.  I wish I could believe in what religions believe.  Most of it I just do not.  But I do think there is more than meets the eye and that I have had some very extraordinary second, third, etc. chances and breaks.   I really want to believe something.  I did, kind of, at one time.  It helped then.

Be that as it may.  I think if I get my life filtered and sorted, I will probably once again move.  I'd like to have one of those mini home things that runs on solar and wind, is portable and independent.  That would be perfect.  The I would write the books I've started and those I have floating around in my mind.  Someone my buy it.  Or maybe I could write a script.

Who knows.  Truth is, without a woman to keep me on course, I may be kidding myself.  I think men need women far more than they need us once everyone is over age 40.  Just my theory.  But it my case I needed them more than they needed me from age 5.