Home! For Now

Unbelievable.  In a whirlwind of little events, I was discharged today until all is set for final stem cell transplant.  That is what they call it now.  Same thing as bone marrow transplant.

But it is all done through blood, not digging inside bones.  The stem cells get introduced into blood stream and find their way into the bone marrow where they set up shop.  We then hope all is copacetic in the 'hood and no conflict occurs.

I have as good a match as one can have for a donor so that should help.  No idea who or where.  Later I may find out.  They have their ways.

There is the necessity to go back in every few days for maintenance of the mainline port still in my chest, blood tests, etc.  Even though to me it is as if none of this is real, they are serious about various precautions I must take.   I cannot afford even a hint of cold or flu or that could screw everything.  Blood levels are improving enough to at least clot blood if needed and soon even fight infection.  Even so, all precautions are heavy duty until the whole thing is finished.

I hope it can be arranged in two weeks.  It may take a little longer.  The fact that they are skipping the interim chemo round known as "consolidation" and going straight to transplant is very fortunate.  It has to do with the lack of cancer and the state of my system.  Had my bone marrow become active sooner I would have gone the usual route.  It just timed right to avoid it.  Hard to fathom but that is life.  What a stroke of real fortune.

So here we are.

In my new room.  Nice and easy on weak fingers.  Maybe I'll learn a chord or two.

Still No harmonicas until this whole process is done.  I can live with that.

Literally, more or less.

.

Still Not Sick

Things may progress more rapidly than anticipated.  Such a weird process.  It may end up that we go more directly into the transplant procedure.  No idea really why the alternative to this is the standard way.  Much of it I just don't quite get.

What I do get is that in biology so many factors come into play that it is hard to put everything in the same box.  Some people respond one way, some another to the same stimulus.

The good news is that the preliminary bone marrow report shows me to be leukemia free and shows signs of trying to produce more and give some higher levels of white cell related things, which is what we want.

WE'll know more about everything tomorrow.   Today was all good news.  They have apparently found my clone.   Reportedly, somewhere in the world they have a willing 10 out of 10 match.  Not sure what the 10s are but the picture is easy to grasp.   Often people have to work with less than that.  This increases my odds for success.

I know this is all horribly self centered.  Hospital stays can do that.  There are some other patients that have had success with various things since I have been here.  I have had brief interaction with them.  It is cool to see them make it through.   Some are more cranky and spend their time in bed with TV.  Some are just not in good enough condition to do much.

The main enemy is the refusal to do the things to prevent respiratory issues like pneumonia.  They need to get out of bed, walk, breathe, use this little breath thing.  The inspirometer.  You inhale lightly to keep the left ball in the range that says best and see how high you can get the disc on the right to go.  Maybe it is marked in milliliters.   It goes up to 5000.

At first I thought 3500 was pretty good, but I have since hit 5000.  Only a couple of times.   But I don't cheat, I keep the left hand part solidly in the "best" range.   You have to inhale lightly in a controlled fashion to keep it there.  No question harmonica playing has helped.   So has not smoking for the last four years.    Lucky.   It is a tricky device.  Brute force won't help.

People often end up back here or have trouble here because of not doing what is needed to help stave off respiratory issues.  You are vulnerable in any case, but odds can be tilted in your favor by doing the right things.  I try.  Stay here long enough and anything can happen.   So I am extra vigilant.

May not be here long before hiatus at home.  May be shorter time than thought between now and endgame, which is transplant and that process.

More Than That

It is a scary thing in most ways to have to enter a hospital for extended stay with only hours notice.  No time to even go out to your hermit cottage on the mountain, with that wonderful view, and wildlife.

Then after 3 weeks on the inside experiencing things that are for other people, like chemo, hair loss and generally serious talk about your condition, you find out the place on the mountain is basically history to you.  The incredibly kind landlords are putting their place on the market, and that includes the cottage.  Due to typical laws of housing and such they cannot sell the cottage and its property separately.  I was trying to buy it that way from the start.

So, I will probably pay Nov. rent on 15th and give notice that I'll be cleared out by Dec 15th.  The two angels who took it upon themselves to get my stuff out and the place cleaned, while laughing at me and enjoying the whole thing, assure me it will be done by then.  They already have done most of the hard stuff.

I'm glad I cleared out the shed some months ago and set up storage in Alpine.  I arranged another unit downstairs to make their efforts easier.  And to give them fresh space.  The other unit is slightly smaller and upstairs.  Last time I put something in there, not a heavy item, I was winded just half way up the easy flight of stairs.  That was the blood situation heading south into leukemia land.  Who knew?  Not me, though I suspected something was awry.

So soon I am technically homeless but for the kindness and insistence of friends.  It is a fortunate thing.  I have noticed that some people find it both puzzling and annoying that I have such good fortune.  I am not sure I understand that thinking or care to.

For the first time In many years I am happy, and I intend to remain that way.  There is so much to be done if I can get to the other side and thrive enough to do it.  I expect to.   Too much has been too good to forget and let this view of life fade into what it was.   

There have been a few hiccups in the process but overall it is going well.  They finally did another biopsy today.  We hope it too comes out clear of leukemia cells.  Very good chance it will be clear.  Then to see why the slow recovery and slacker output of various types of blood cells.  They may do some things to stimulate it and they may be able to go quicker into the transplant phase.

Got to do that with my situation  Just do.   A number of fortuitous and, one might say, coincidental events had to occur in order for all the good stuff to come together at this time.  That does not escape me  I don't play God's spokesman by claiming a particular reason or crediting a particular deity.  There are people who will fight you over your reluctance to accept their view of life and existence and God or not.  Seems an odd approach.  Any excuse to get angry, I guess.

This is about my 14th second chance in life.  That is when I successfully get a rebuilt and rebooted immune system and blood factory.

What matters does have to do with people and somehow bring a little joy their way.  Still, that does not mean you accept the unacceptable in your attempt to love everyone.  Enabling or arguing with alcoholics can be fruitless and not something that brings joy to anyone.  Those who find it hard not to be jealous or almost bitter over your good fortune are not likely good choices for a future life filled with love.  Seems like an obvious thing but you'd be surprised how much I have indulged those who felt better raining on any parade I might enjoy than being happy for it.   People do get jealous over odd things.  I would never admit that in the past.  I should have.

My new litmus test is, would my brother endure or indulge this activity?  He has been very good at just shutting out those who'd sap his spirit and time.  It is real easy to know the answers.  And I am enjoying employing that private form of respect and love toward him.  He's had much to do with getting me through the darkest of times when I least expected it and most needed it.

I'm sure many people find such love and angels in their own lives and families.  I hope so.  It is a source of pride and gratitude and humility in a sense.  I can finally accept without guilt or shame.  The givers get satisfaction from seeing joy and gratitude.  They know they are altering your life and circumstances.

It has taken me a long time to accept the simplest of truths in life.  Several of them.  I do wish everyone had my good fortune.  Not my disease or mutations but the good stuff that this condition has allowed me to experience and know, not just see.

Maybe Fate, Maybe Just How It Goes

Since Oct. 5th I've been in this resort, known as a hospital in La Jolla.   Days 1-7 included a 24/7 chemo drip, along with various drugs to counteract the chemo and keep me happy I guess.  Sleeping, walking, even in the shower, IV tubes were hooked to the deal they put in my chest for mainlining stuff.

Because of certain friends and family, that week can only be described as pure joy.  How that happened I cannot say.  The first day in, Sande the singer, came in with her guitar and we played in my room.  I think it was day 3 when Karen came in with Sande to add viola to the mix.  We played well and many in the ward peaked in, and talked about it for weeks.

The second time I tried to sterilize the harps with listerine--harmonicas for the uninitiated.  As the purpose of the chemo was to run my white cells and most else in the blood production world down to zero, I decided that I can't really sterilize them well enough.  Too easy a breeding ground for bacteria.
So, when I am out the other side I can play again.  I will still be really careful about keeping them as germ/bacteria free as I can.

Part of my view.  To the left a bit I see hang gliders and paragliders.  That is Torrey Pines golf course, under and beyond the trees. The Pacific beyond. Hard to get a good shot.

So, this process is lengthy.  I only half understood what was happening when I got here.  One thing is clear, had I just refused to check in I would have been dead in days.  Here I am.  So that's a rather nice state of affairs from that perspective.

Because I had a blood disease before this acute myeloid leukemia hit I am at high risk in many ways. One of which is that it is pretty sure the mutations and such I already have will cause things to go south again left to my own devices.  So, they planned from day one to eventually do a stem cell transplant.  The type that is accomplished by having a donor.  Siblings are often a great match.  But they prefer young people not someone my brother's age.  He was indignant, but they insisted.

So they search some kind of bank.  That has been in process.

Day 14 they performed a bone marrow biopsy which revealed I was leukemia free.  In remission.  Had I had only AML, that may have been the end of it, other than waiting for levels to come up and some after care.

As it is my levels are taking forever. Just enough red blood to avoid transfusion, not enough white cells to fight much of anything.  But that happens.  I hope the levels begin to rise so they don't have to do another biopsy to figure out what is going on.  Can't go home with these levels, yet.  So, here I am.
The good things are that things are stable and I have a room overlooking the bay to recover out of the hospital.  A friend I knew in high school and her husband insisted.

The story of friends and family who have gone to extraordinary lengths is just phenomenal.  They have ensured that people who could give me a cold or other illness don't come here.  It is not a circumstance in which many can visit.   It just is not safe.

They have helped do everything I cannot do, and was too frozen in depression to do previously.  My cabin and the landlord's house are up for sale, so that place will be history.  Good thing I secured storage in Alpine before this happened.   So many twists of fate have led to this place and to the great love of family and friends.  I won't connect all the dots. Either you believe me or not.

In the beginning I did not want to give details.  I was on stuff that amplified the positive and negative, and I could not afford the negative.  True friends got it.  Those who prefer to judge and decide they have a right to complain about how I state things or how cryptic I choose to be, those who use friendship as excuse to vent or control, did not enjoy the lack of info.  And I purposely kept them in the dark.  Caring without respect is bullshit.  It is not caring, but something else.

The old I love you, so now let me criticize and abuse. No more will I tolerate that in my life.

I never knew so much love in or around me existed.  It carried me.

So, I hope the levels come up enough to let me go home for awhile.  Thank God for medicare, and that I reached just old enough before this hit.  And for Lynn the broker who hooked me up with supplemental insurance.  I knew my previous MPN could go south so we figured it was worth hedging my bet.  That paid off.

Thank you America.  This has got to be costing money I never dreamed of ever making.

So, things are positive but require patience and maintenance of good spirits.  As soon as they said I could wear sweats and my own long sleeved T shirts, away with that damned gown.   I have a recliner chair in the room so, when breakfast comes at 7:30 I get out of bed and in the chair.  No breakfast in bed for me! No bed until bed time.  I seem to be one of only a few who don't hang in bed watching TV.  Maybe the only one currently.  I have yet to watch tv.

I have my computer and I text a lot with my brother.  He is one funny guy. Siblings can have an ability to make you laugh until you cry.   The woman who thinks I somehow saved her from doom in high school is here every day.  Between her and my brother, I get no breaks.  They make me laugh a lot.   Her husband is also right in on this.  It is something extraordinary.

I still get to discuss band issues with Sande, suggesting people to fill my space and such.  She got a very fluid, and skilled guitar player that I kind of pushed for.  I think he'll add in the long run.  I have yet to hear any audio of the gigs they've done so far.  When my friend Richard, the resonator player (dobro), sat in, the band donated all their tips and he donated his cut as well.  There was more than that they sent my way. I know that place and how much I generally took home.  This was almost three times that.  What a tear jerker of a gesture.

So.  That is the deal.  And I could very well get through this, and again be playing sometime.  It could take until summer. But that is how it works.

They have a nice Martin, classical, nylon strings, in the room where I'll be staying.  So that may be of interest.    When I get to be out of here.  The transplant deal means another month in.   We hope that can begin mid to late November, but this slow bone marrow activity may change that.
Nothing will ever be the same.  Some of that is good.  I cannot be what I was, and how I was.  It was a very unhealthy spiral.  This is all new.  I am highly dependent.  To resent it would be a slap in the face to those who have freely decided to catch me rather than let me fall.

I hope I always feel this love.  It is remarkable.  And remarkable how easy it is to enforce boundaries without much anger involved, if any.

Oh, this kind of chemo leaves you bald.  So much coming out I had it buzzed down to 1/8"  and still losing that.  It will grow back, doesn't give you mouth sores or make you sick. Hair is the most trivial of concerns.  Got great hats that feel really nice.
That is how it works.  It is going to be a long ride but so much good has come of it.  No matter what, I am better than I was.

So far we won Battle Ship

Next is Twister, the toughest part.   Someone changed the order.
Stay tuned to Life In the Chemo Resort, overlooking golf, ocean and hang gliders

Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey - Reaper Games

Playing Battleship With The Reaper

If you are familiar with the old Bill and Ted's adventure movies, you'll get that reference.   They escaped the Reaper by beating him in Battleship--a game, not tied to electronics of any kind.

So, I don't know where I stand.

I suspect when your blood production is so lame that you are rushed in for a transfusion, perhaps the status quo has changed.  While I was there they stuck something in my hip bone to get a sample of bone marrow to study.  A BMB, bone marrow biopsy.  Now we expect to know result tomorrow.

Never did I think I would have, need, or maybe even accept a blood transfusion.  Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  My mother would have refused.  So would many religions.  It is probable that deadly results would have occurred by now.

I kept finding I was winded at the slightest activity, sometimes mild little adventures like walking to my car, ten feet outside my door.  Or walking across the room.   It had been going on awhile, but was rapidly getting worse, so I finally called the world of medicine.

I don't get these bureaucratic organizations.  I call, thinking I am getting the office of my primary care lady, whom I rarely see.  I explain the problem and say I want to see what she has to say.  Next thing I know they are making an appointment with a pulmonary specialists I have never seen.  I tell the girl I want the hematologist in this loop as it is likely the blood issue.  Right over her head.  She didn't consult the primary either.  Nuts.

I decide that approach is no good.  So, I go online to the Scripps patient interface and cancel the appointment.  I can't make appointments online but I can message these people.  So, I shoot one to the hematologist office explaining the symptoms, and since I know their psychology, I tell them I am stopping the chemo pill unless I hear otherwise, because I think maybe we are running deficiencies.

They immediately order a lab for me to do asap.  Then late that night I get a call at home urging me in immediately.  He seemed a bit miffed that I was even conscious.  I negotiate to come in the morning. Etc.

More tests and still hgb levels around 6 or 7.  Whites about double what's max good value, and reds about half what's bottom of envelope for OK.    Yikes, they say.  WTF, I say, except I really knew it was coming.  I knew for quite awhile.  Just did.  But beyond that I know nothing.  I have no clue where we go from here, if we even do.

We'll get results of the BMB then what that leaves in the realm of treatment options I do not know.  I am not sure I won't have some tough decisions.  If a person could come here and make my little 400 sf cabin perfect I would pay $2000 or $3000.  Then I'd have peace of mind.

I have taxes to do, but I can handle that once I find the W whatever forms.  I'm a little late on filing.  I still resent the fact that people have allowed themselves to be normalized into being subjects of the state.  It is wrong.  It is not the same thing as being a citizen and asset to the community.

It is what it is.  Now, I wonder if I will see the next birthday.  My number one goal is to get all in order, snatch whatever I have out of grimy government fingers, and not leave work for others.  Not much else I can ask at the moment.

There is a remote possibility this stuff can be sort of contained in ways to keep me going for a decade or more.  The cool part is that I still look healthy.  Better to look good than to be good.

I did three gigs in one weekend after the transfusion.  It was shocking how it feels to have energy.  I had forgotten--so many months trying to fake it when around people or playing music.  So, now I play because I can, and because it clears my mind.  I tell myself to play like there is no tomorrow.  Dark humor I suppose, but who knows?  It may be reality.

I hope I did more good than harm.  I know I have hurt people in long ago times, mostly out of complete ignorance and no grasp of the realities of life.  I cannot stand to see others in pain, and am horrified at the thought of me being the cause of any of it.  With luck I may find that I have done more good.

So, I think they should play this as someone tosses the ashes in the most suitable place--Gulf Stream, Rockies, off my nephew's Seattle boat?  I would go the traditional in a box route but that requires buying real estate and God only knows what fees and regulations come in to play. So forget it.

People Are Nuts. Why?

The half truths that assault us from everywhere, and the refusal to even accept truth if it ruins victim status, has just about pushed me over the edge.  It is unreal.\

You're a racist!!!
Why?
 Because you said you're not happy with Mexico dumping their shit in the ocean which is carried north to Imperial beach and beyond.
What, are you serious?   Or are you just unaware of the meaning of the words you use?
MISOGYNIST!!!
??????
So, why do you abuse women?
What?

And on and on and on.  That is not far off of the dialog I see these days.  The word, "misogynist" is as over used and misused as the word, "racist".  Good God, is it totally necessary to continually create victim classes in order to manipulate people and votes and broker power?  never mind.

The problem is that the word, "misandrist" doesn't roll off the tongue.  I don't think half the people that use it know what the word "misogynist" even means, but the hear and see it and it is usually blasted at Trump and anyone not obsessed with his demise.

The truth really is though, that public schools teach and function on the basis of dogmatic misandry, and they are proud of their efforts over the last forty years to ram this hateful doctrine down our throats.  Object and you are a MISOGYNIST, sexist, homophobe, racist, islamaphobe.  It is required to lump a bunch those together.  Shotgun fired BS passing as intelligent insight.

I admit to being a phobe.  I think groups like CAIR are dishonest, evil, and creepy.  I think their religion is creepy too.  It used to be my right to have dislikes likes, lusts, fears, and even, God forbid, CHOICE!  Most religions bother me.  A huge contingent of the religion of peace creeps me out, I confess.  I base it on personal interactions and conversations and stuff I see here and there on media and the net.  Could be all a trick.

I know of one or two members of the ultra tolerant happy go lucky islamic faith who are great people, honest, trustworthy, bright, and cool to be around.  They probably haven't seen the inside of a mosque in fifty years.

Mostly I don't care about them one way or another, just like every other group who voluntarily shuns others as unclean or whatever.  It is their insistence on special treatment and constant efforts to achieve victimhood and use that to force the rest of the population to their will in some way that makes me dislike them.

That covers many groups whose unifying characteristics have nothing to do with real principles or tolerance, but rather condition of birth, imagined sexual identifications etc.  Nothing to do with principles or how best to live in peace.

You cannot just mind your own business any more.  If you aren't hijacking the angst of who you see as downtrodden, even if you are in no way part of the group you choose to defend (unbidden) then you are part of the problem and it would be OK for you to get shot.  That is the convoluted thinking that prevails.

If you don't jump on a cause you think is BS, and in a manner you consider BS, then you are the whole list of awful things; racist misogynist sexist homophobe meanie to lbgtynqxxx community islamaphobe fascist nazi --all of it.  One big list which may morph into one single very long word.  And it will be what no one wants to get called, because that label puts a target on you. Fair game.  Open season.  Object?  Ha!  That's your privilege talking.  And you don't even have to be white.  Anyone who disagrees, who isn't white is a traitor to their race their people.  Inside they must be white, otherwise they'd be waving the victim banner and wanting to burn down the White House.

We have become a land of racist xenophobes whom have no appreciation of others, and who hate all but their own people--as defined by condition of birth, not character or beliefs.  Hypocrites.  It is as if each lying hateful panderer is trying to outdo the other in dreaming up insane victim scenarios and justifications for preventing any opposition whatsoever.

It is absolutely nuts.  To the point where even I have to call many of these mouthy fools and noisy groups out on their false representation of police, particularly in certain specific cases.  I say even I, because I have long thought most cops to be dimwitted sadistic bullies.  And I have had some unpleasant interchanges with them in years past.  Bullies harass people they can.  It is based on perceived power.  Not race.  Where race would come in is if they generalize thinking some ethnicity or race has no financial political power that can hurt them.  So, they may profile when picking victims.

Playing the indignant martyr in the setting of the NFL, which has mire than it's share of wife beaters, and violent criminals is laughable.  I don't care whether they kneel or all pull out guns and shoot themselves in protest.  They are pandering for peer approval and the media portrays them as people of character who care and feel more than we mortals.  They are dimwits being painted as men of insight and character.  Pretense.  Does anyone really, deep down, believe this nonsense?

No need to answer, the obviously do

So, This is What it is Like To Have Energy

I guess this is how adding red cells when you aren't used to having any works.  At first I felt OK but not a giant difference.  By this morning I was feeling like a happy person with energy.  Our first gig was at noon, Nate's Garden Grill.  All their food is good, carnivore stuff or not.  It's a cool place with half the tables outside.   The kitchen is located on one side where indoors meets outdoors.  It works well.  Lots of families with babies.

I'm always surprised that people sit right there in front of us with their kids.  We are not loud, as musical groups go, but still I would not think they would feel good hanging right there with their babies.  It's weird playing to tables and people eating.  I often covet what I see on their plates as I musically babble through the harmonica.

It was so shocking to me today that I not only did not feel winded carrying an amplifier or walking to the car or any of that.  I had no idea that this would make such a difference in my playing.  Not stuff that involves much breath but finesse stuff and nuance.  Everything felt so easy and doable.  I am used to it actually hurting.

I know I will soon turn back into a pumpkin.  My preferred thought is to enjoy this while I can and throw my heart into the playing without being a lunatic or inappropriate, but when there is a cut loose number go out for all I am worth.

Now, I felt like I was really delivering quality backing and playing at Nate's.  I was loving it.  But on our second gig, this evening at Rebecca's, I gave our "John, cut loose!" number everything I could.  I have no idea what I did but people were reacting audibly at several points.  It's almost a polka beat, but not.  I forget what someone called it.  All B minor and only a couple of cords, but pure heaven for me.  Anyway, it's the kind of thing no one else is probably doing.

Maybe this was an important show for that group.  Another group played and then a guy did a short set, and then us.  I looked up and all the people usually doing other stuff while they listen were all watching us, and the baristas were leaning at the end of their counter listening.  It was like all other activity was suspended.

People were saying, "What are you guys doing here?".  I should tell you that the South Park area is rife with lunacy, so as great as those compliments might feel,  it is not something I'd take to the bank.

The whole thing with me was concern that I might be already back to the condition I was in that panicked my hematology guy into topping me off with some high test A negative.  A circumstance I never thought I would face.

I grew up under and around certain people who would have refused a blood transfusion.  I used to wonder if I would have qualms.  I guess not.  I knew the score, and my Dr., and there is no way he would order such a thing if it weren't imperative to the life of the patient to some degree.

I don't think I should continue discussing this now.  It could make me sad.  That is wrong.  Go be sad after you kick.   Despite what people make of it when they think it's all forever, life is a remarkable and beautiful state of affairs.

Probably there will be some difficult days ahead, but I have a shot at getting past it for some time.  Depends what we got going.  I probably already know, but I prefer to let that slide.  I need it all to turn around.  And it may.

In the mean time, I hope I still have energy tomorrow and that it does something good for a person to cross my path or hear us play.  If it does, then I'll probably be having a good time, and they'll throw money.  Right.

It will be outdoors, and should be a decent crowd.  I would have rather had a later time, but people will be out, just not as many as later.  We play at 12.  I hope we do as well as today.  We had some errors, but they really did not matter.  No clash or off key mistakes.  Sande never sings off key. I have never heard her hit an off pitch note.  Some people are not all that into it, but a ton more are.  Especially lately.  Something changed.

We got an encore after the cut loose number.  Never seen that in a coffee house.  They were friggin chanting.  So, Sande graciously agreed to do another "John cut loose" number.  I was kind of paranoid about turning back into a pumpkin.
'
I was sitting sideways in my car, door open, feet on the ground.  I stood up.  I am so much in the habit of that being a real effort that I groaned without thinking, but I was already up.  I just stood up like i used to do.  I guess I used to.  I honestly do not remember how differently I felt, but I know I did.  This is another ball game.  Priorities and outlook change a lot, but if you notice it, it is scary, so if I am you, the you just block out the things that bring uncertainty and fear.

Because all I really need is what I said before, the cabin to be put in spic and span spiffy primo condition, and to have some other things straightened out.  Then I can face whatever.

It looked like several people were taking video.  I wonder where they'll be.  I hope they youtube them.  What their titles would be, I am not sure.

I made a mistake of looking up treatment for what I thought maybe they'd diagnose when the results of the appropriate tests are back.  I'm doing no more of that.

Until awhile ago, I was really feeling upbeat.  I have to maintain that.  Whether it influences this condition or not, it is a lot more enjoyable being upbeat.  If time may be a little less abundant than I like, all the more reason.  Be upbeat while you can.

One thing for sure, I have not been imagining things.  Some people tend to need that sort of reassurance regarding their sanity.

Oh. This was about energy.  What a great feeling.  I was in one of those "I love everyone" modes.  Even the people I cussed at in traffic.  One of those, "He's as lazy as a dead skunk, bless his heart" sort of things.

I almost forgot.  Never mind.  Suffice to say this brief reprieve made possible by modern medicine has been, and is, I hope, a real treat.

Most of all I am missing denial about now.

What an Odd Day

Geez.  I never did get sleep last night.  Probably because phriend Pham indicated that if red blood was currency, I'd be near destitute.

Finally got there by 7 AM.  Traffic is not horrible, but still a slow down.  After having to set some arrogant doctor straight, I got them to speak to my team, as they should have done from the get go.  I will address some of this with Scripps admin.  If I have to deal with stupid medical outfits, they need to correct some of the glaring deficiencies.  Had I not held my ground, this dork would have been taking stool samples and doing other unpleasant and contextually inappropriate procedures.

He finally hid from me the rest of the day.  But his boss will get some fire when I return.

They did the bone marrow biopsy---talk about a pain in the butt.  It had its moments.  Those results come next week.  Looks like the game has changed but no use guessing specifics because I only know the general possibilities and they get treated differently from one another.

I had a friggin blood transfusion.  Takes three hours.  So, if I were strongly tied to certain religions, or if I were my late mother, I would have refused it and shortly run out of reds and platelets and been overrun with white cells.  I did not think the prognosis would be good even in the short run without the fill up.  "High test!", I said, "with Techron."   They complied.  Only the best for me. A negative.

The best thing is, people think I don't look sick or infirm.  Better to look good than to feel good.
It's possible this can be controlled with various high dollar substances like forms of interferon.

When I think how fortunate I am to have access to some top notch doctors and facilities (despite the previously mentioned shortfalls)  I am grateful.  Many people around the world would just have to die.   I'm also glad I made it a point to supplement my commie medicare (joking--but only partly), and I have supplement for prescriptions.  Some stuff is pricey.  So I did that right.

I am not as depressed as I was.  Maybe because I knew this was coming, and maybe because I temporarily have some juice in my veins.  Other than my traditional mix of ice water and lemon juice--no sweetener.

Doctors don't know what to make of me.  Especially me singing the praises of denial as a treatment strategy, and making the guy doing the bone marrow swear he is an artiste in this field.

So odd, it feels like this is all child's play and I am just going along with it.  But I do not feel like one of the afflicted.  More like a research project or something.  That disconnect is likely the denial part, but why get into it in a way that makes one feel bad?

I am still convinced this is going to turn around or work to my ultimate better good.  It will be OK.  Really.

Great gigs this weekend, Nate's Garden Grill---they love us, and are very kind and they have food I not only can eat, but I also like---not always the norm in vegetarian land.  Not like Pine House.  Wonderful place, but no good for my dietary habits.  The tomorrow night, Rebecca's coffee house.  Never know how that will work.  Nice enough place. Half the time I know 80% of the room, but sometimes interesting beings visit.

Then Sunday afternoon the Adam's Avenue Street fair.  Outdoor stage and who knows what kind of crowd, but plenty of people, whatever they be.  It's an artsy sort of place.  I think many crave our leader/singer, Sande, in a KD Lang sort of way, if you get that.  OK by me.  I like KD's version of Hallelua almost as well as a girl from Australia who used to communicate with me on garageBand.com.

OK.  So I whined about transfusions and hooplah, and who knows what.  I feel positive in an automatic way; not forced, thought out or contrived.  Just feel OK with everything.  But will be even more OK when we tackle this mess.  Not really that bad.  Just not to my liking or expectation of how one should keep the property of others, as in landlord's pad.

I can only hope that those who reject transfusions no matter what are wrong.  I don't know the alleged consequences, probably varies with individual holy persons and their particular dogma.  That is not to ridicule them.  I am for choice.  Maybe they are right---for them.  I feel protected by something unseen.  I just do.  And I really am.  But I do not know the ins and outs of all that.  I just feel like It will be alright, whatever It turns out to be.

My story is so full of prodigious little rescues and such.  If you were me or real close, you'd get it.   Like lucking into medical services from being fairly poor and totally uninsured four years ago.  And I have dealt with the real cream of the crop, or first stringers, at least.

I a beginning to believe there is something to the idea of having lessons to learn.  But that makes absolutely no sense to me.  Why and who?   Why lessons and who is headmaster, OR HEAD MISTRESS.   [I seriously hate the aggressive ignorance which leads us to reject the notion of universal pronouns because we are too mad at our lives to get it.]

Many think they know the answers but their explanations seem unlikely, wrong, or just wacko to me. That's OK.  I'll just settle for feeling at peace.   Or at least calmly accepting of reality.

Next week will be interesting. The biopsy conclusions.  I expect the verdict to be "Ice Water in Veins".

This Is Really Nuts

When you have occasion to entertain notions of your mortality more than is usual, you think things like, "woops, better wear some pants to sleep, I might kick before I know it."  Don't want any snide comments or other abuse I guess.

Mostly, though, it is the race to get the mess transformed into something nice and pleasant and beneficial to the worthy.  Not saying I am the sole Arbiter of worthy.  I am not that.  Except when I am.

No. Transfusion? Don't even know how I feel

So, I finally get to the lab just before they close.
Whatever was in the system about my tests, these people were flustered.  Odd.  Anyway I know the work was to be done within four hours.
I received a call at about 11PM.  Dr. Pham, my new best Phriend, seemed a lot concerned.  Sounded like he would have had me run to nearest medical facility for bone marrow biopsy and transfusion.  I told him I strongly disapprove of this turn of events.

By the way, since google has taken over all, I can't answer or leave comments on my own posts. So here we are again.

I also told Dr. Pham that denial had worked pretty well up until now, and that I think denial as a medical remedy is highly underrated.  He did not even seem amused, which amused me that much more.

It is possible that things have progressed.  I hope not.  I guess I write just to have it out there.  I don't like the feel sorry for thing.  Of course most people wish others did not have pain or illness.  It happens.  If people really cared about pain and suffering they would likely quit waging war and running jails like torture zoos. But that is another thing.

It seems I have just a few red cells to rub together and not much on platelets, which once bounced off the roof. And whites are up.  Of course.  Racist. Recipe for a disrupted day.

I have 2 gigs Saturday, and 1 on Sunday.  Sunday is Adams Av something fair.  We have a nice outdoor stage and play an hour.  Sande has tried in years past to get this gig. Finally made it this year. I do not want to miss it.

Karen, the viola, is back from Greece.  We had a little rehearsal tonight, sans bass player.  That viola sound is just hard to beat sometimes.

I'm actually killing time.  I did not want to get to the urgent care center before my regular hematologist gets in.  I want his advice before any transfusions.  His philosophy is never volunteer for anything to do with medical procedure unless you have to.  "just like the military", he says.   I agree.

But after my phriend, Pham,  called, I find it tough to want to go to sleep.  Maybe I won't wake up.

At rehearsal, I had no trouble playing.  Better than normal I think.  Probably because Karen is back.   But I did get winded walking from the car to the house, 30 feet away.  So with a new bunch of A neg, I bet I have energy.  What if I take on odd new characteristics?

If I was my mother, and certain religions, I would refuse that, and most probably die.  What a weird state of affairs.  That is true. Not exaggerated.  That is why phriend Pham was so, almost pleading.  

There is that one part that all of a sudden feels a bit worse or thinks I feel worse. In reality, about like last night, but a bit better.  The whole thing will be OK.  Finally, medicare and insurance may start paying back as much as I put in.  Up until now, even with the crony socialist subsidies, I have paid far more in than my adventure in healthcare has cost them.   I like it better when I don't cost them or the public so much.   Imagine though, with unsubsidized insurance, the average person must pay way more in insurance than what their health care costs.  

I picked the right time to be poor but not totally indigent. 

Dag nabbitt!!!  It's like the check engine light is blinking.  I can no longer ignore it.  If I need a transfusion, and I am not bleeding, then I am not producing enough blood.  Is this punishment for all the coldhearted years, running ice water in my veins?

And now, if I were those religions, or my mother, I'd be dying quicker than not.  No, I guess I'll hope it is primo A-.  

When you spend as much of your life in sort of a dream, another dimension, it is not such a big deal feeling like you're skirting the edge and could go either way.  The big deal is not knowing how to gage your fellow humans; who to trust, what to say to whom, how to express what was really in here.

The number one big deal is to manage to get everything spic and span and leave no mess or hassle.  That means cutting the government out when and where you can.  That is so sick.  I hope people quit accepting the bullying of the state, one day, and learn how to discern bullying from proper execution of the job.

Would I be feeling weak and woozy if not for Pham's call?  I think not in the same way.  I have taken on Pham's fear.  I get it.  The numbers are bad.  But, usually, I can get by on worse numbers than most.  I don't feel as bad as I could.

You're lucky we aren't married.  If we were you'd be dealing with this babbling first hand.  But the rest of them would be saved.  I would not put this out there.

I just hope I can figure how to get the detritus of my life, whether physical or bureaucratic, cleaned up.  That is my biggest worry.  I guess when I get through this I will hire a crew of independent cleaners and pay them a ton.  Then I can go on without that bugging me.  It is only right, anyway.

I almost wish nothing of this nature had come up so that people could say, with authority, that I was just weak and making up stuff.  But I haven't exaggerated things whenever I tried to confide.  Of course, what are they supposed to do?  Seeking to be understood makes for nitwittery.  I forget how stupid that is.  Seeking to understand has better results.  Not to say there aren't times to understand later, eliminate the threat or aberrant being now.

Let's hope the situation levels out how it should.  I think there is a chance it could.  

Clean place, little pocket change to the righteous, a finger to state, ashes in Gulf Stream or other such locale.  Better be good.
That's all I ask.  Maybe they do this then leave you alone for a few weeks.

Funny.  This bizarre few days, culminating in meeting, by phone, Dr. Pham of the Scripps clinic Phams, and if I had to describe how I feel in a word, the stupid, dangerous word, "love" is all that comes.   Beats a lot of alternatives.

I think I will hang awhile and probably go in way early. The urgent place is 24/7.  Whole thing is a big complex in the lovely La Jolla/Torrey Pines neighborhood.

Clearly, this event is a game changer.  No avoiding the bone marrow biopsy now, unless my Dr tells me something I want to hear.  Lots of people get them regularly.  I do not care to do any more than is absolutely necessary.

This is the craziest turn ever.  Now I no longer want to quit playing music.  I'd much rather do that than not, right now.

Trying To Fake It; we're dropping like flies

Probably due to the power link boondoggle in East County, and no telling what madness in Miami, ...
never mind.  I decided to not follow that tack.

I wonder if the people I play music with have any idea that it is actually painful much of the time lately.  I've done a lot of faking and finessing.   I think what happened is certain blood things are too low or weird.

Trying to be a good citizen I attempted to call my primary care physician.  The lady I talked to, some kind of tech or nurse, immediately books a pulmonary specialist.  All this is Scripps.  I wonder out loud if it would be a better idea to get the hematologist in on the act, or at least my general purpose doctor.  I don't think the tech even knew who she was.

That seemed dumb.  They have a pretty good website for keeping track of tests and appointments. so I went that route.  Sure beats the odd phone process.  After replaying the hone call in my mind, I canceled the pulmonary appointment Who was that chick and why was she avoiding my regular doctors?).  , and sent Dr. House a message saying I was going to cut down on the med if I didn't hear otherwise because the shortness of breath thing is way out of hand.

I call him Dr. House because he is about as openly sympathetic and understanding as that TV Dr.  And I liked House.  I like this guy but it has taken 3 years to figure out how to keep him in line.  This is the most concern ever for symptoms.  Glad he's in the loop.  I don't necessarily think it is pulmonary.  I think we got our this and that levels to off.  Anemia and if I took iron supplements the world ends.  Maybe. He says don't take the iron.  OK.

I can't believe I was slated to go help my friend who was to have an autologous bone marrow stem cell transplant.  They find enough of your own stuff to rebuild the bone marrow.  He has multiple myeloma.

Soon enough I was shown the error of my thinking.  I am in no position to help even for a week.  The whole thing snowballed the week I was feeling better than I have in at least 3 or 4 years, on my recent Texas trip.

I heard of his plight and wondered if it would be possible to visit while he was in Houston.  Next thing is I am asked if my offer to help was still good.  It just went on from there.  It's crazy. I have MPN issue, another long time friend has some thing to be removed from a lung,; not benign but encapsulated.

Everyone looking at the exit.  Nuts.   I have to get the place cleaned up and put other stuff right so the government doesn't make life hell for relatives.  By the way, there is a big difference between democracy and liberty.  We do not have, and the sane among us do not want a democracy.  Those are the lovely folk who do things like charge money for you to exit.  Annoy the survivors.

OK.  Anyway, it could work out that I take less in the way of stuff to retard cell production.    I just hope no itch/pruritus returns and this feeling like muscles aren't getting any O2 goes away.

We have three gigs in two days this weekend.  Sat midday, Sat evening, and Sunday afternoon.  Sunday is the big deal.  The local newspaper in that neck of the woods wrote a big article about us.  Very nice.

But when you get winded walking out the front door, down three steps to a car 8 feet away to retrieve your phone, or my phone, in this case, something is off.  Does not feel like the winded I would get from smoking or congestion.

I still say the best approach to medical issues, when you have the option, is to ignore and deny and wait for the malady or annoyance to fade away.  9 times out of 10 that works.  It does for me.   If it won't go away, drop all your preconceived rules and notions.   Finagle insurance or treatment one way or another.  It may take some hard to find out of pocket, but if they are concerned they will help.

But you cannot get there if you only sit there imagining every reason why you can't get it done.  You are trying to demonstrate your intelligence in an "I'm a hopeless victim" sort of way to play dumb, .  All your objections are no doubt real.  You have to play dumb; be ignorant.   Much involves shutting up at right time, and letting them know you are strapped at the right time.

I was very lucky because Dr. Lopez invited me to be the subject of study for about ten physicians overall.   This was back when slight sweating or being splashed with water set off a horrible dynamic itching which showed no welts and scratching didn't quite get.  Like ants running all over your arms and torso and legs, but different.  They directed me to the hematologist after numerous blood tests and observation of symptoms.  Twice they had me in for their conference.  They hold it after normal work at a private practice.  Often it is for people who can't otherwise afford treatment, and for weirdo cases.   Imagine the equivalent of 20 exams for free.  And by the best in town.

They would examine, make notes, send the patients home then discuss the cases and arrive at a general theory.  I spent out of pocket for office visits and blood work.  The I asked an insurance broker how the whole buy-or-die ACA deal worked.  I was on highly subsidized insurance for a time. I faked earning enough that I could pay 125/mo and have tons of choice.  Had I gone the free stuff for those making less than that amount, they wouldn't allow me to copay, and wouldn't allow me on the plan that gives choice.

I believe the free stuff is a trap.  You go their HMO style routine and you will most like die if you have a progressive chronic disease that can get really bad quick.  I bet they'd still be trying to feed me steroids and allergy meds.  It pays to pull that couple hundred form somewhere if you have to.  The hotshot I went to, referred by the well-to-do,  cut it to $100/ visit.  The conference stuff was free.  The blood lob charged extremely low rates for what I expected.  Not everyone hates poor people;  just those who claim to be the saviors of the financially challenged.  Those people are not your friends.

Anyway, I realize this could either blow up unpleasantly, or it could smooth out as it has done on and off through this journey.  Even winded I can do much I could not do a few years ago.

All I care about s not leaving a bunch of junk and work when I kick.   On days like today I think I better hurry up, just in case forever is nearer that it appears.

Double Check Prior to Outrage

I watch posts on FB designed to incite anger.  They cover extremes of left and right political jingoism.  I just saw one claiming Megyn Kelly banned Trump from her show.  The article said nothing of the sort, and she just recently said she would not deny a sitting president's request to be on her show.  Ellen said she would deny Trump because...every tired litany of false or half false characterizations.  And I don't like the guy.  I just have no need or desire to experience that cheap thrill of piling on for no reason.

But all the racist stuff is pretty lame and many things have been highly twisted to the point of total fabrication.  The lies have been repeated like a mantra over and over.  It has been effective.  That does not make it right. That does not make those who piled on out of desperate need for peer acceptance anything remotely associated with courageous or principled.

So, I knew the headline was false.  I read the article which did not mention Trump.  The comments reflected knee-jerk outrage.  That glee that comes when you feel it OK to be as hostile as you like at someone you don't know.

They let loose on Megyn like crazy.  Obviously they did not even read the article.  And they never double checked the headline claim.  It would have been a downer to them if they knew there was no reason for outrage.  It is the thing that brings right and left together, that love of self righteous nitwittery, self righteous anger.  The more remote the subject of their ire, the better.  But we can take it out on everyone in our path right here.

Health and Wealth Divide

Even now I have little idea of what the Affordable Care Act is supposed to do, or how it works.  What I do know is that some reap the benefits and others are nearly bankrupt due to the mandate.

That is what seems to not be addressed.   They talk about repeal but they do not adequately explain why.  They talk replace but with what is as vague as the description of the act before they finagled to get Obamacare passed.  "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what's in it--away from the fog of the controversy", was the famous viewpoint of the never out of a fog, Rep. Pelosi, grand dame of demagoguery and pandermonium (should be a word).

The ultra crowd even tired to pretend that out of context versions of that quote were changing the meaning, intent, etc.  No, I do not think so.  Did you ever hear a straight truthful answer regarding exactly what was this bill?  Did you ever try to find it and read it?

Remember flow charts?  It amounts to flow charts in the Rube Goldberg tradition of complexity.  Oddly, item after item was ultimately left to the judgement of appointed administrators deep in the bowels of the bureaucracy.

I think bills like that are mostly vehicles for paying back the big guns who keep you in office.  It is like a tractor trailer load of pork.  You can put any thing in.  The more complicated and convoluted the bill, the more opportunity for measures that benefit some companies and screw others, benefit some people while screwing others.

I know that under current conditions you are better off being fairly poor.  But not quite poverty level. They take away your choices if you have too little money.  If you have just a little bit, at least in CA., you can pay a little and gain all kinds of choice healthcare-wise.  If you earn too little, they won't even let you pay that $125 and have some choice.   If you have a rare disease of any seriousness, you'll likely die.  The free and mandatory care goes the way of the hmo.  And that is not the best way to go sometimes.   I despise HMOs.  An awful plan.

Anyway, how can I be scared or happy about possible republican obamacare antics?  I have little idea of the reality.  I know the usual meme factories regularly show maps and graphs of the disaster that will occur if the republicans get their way.  I am not happy when either side refuses to just define their damn bill.  They go off on "what this will do...", "what this will mean to working families (or whatever)...".  Basically opinions and hyperbole.  What IS the bill?  What does it say?  And why does it, like all bills begin with its alleged purpose followed by, "...and other purposes."   Really?  We actually allow this?  My bill to "save the children, and other purposes" also includes a section making paying me a fee every time you use a crosswalk mandatory, or we take your property.

Unbelievable.  The deal is, there are people and small businesses that cannot afford the affordable care act.  They duped those who don't feel the crunch.  I probably benefitted.  Not sure.  No question that tax money subsidized me greatly.  Even so, actual costs over time are probably less than I paid in, even with a chronic mutant disease.  But if I had been showing much more income, I may not have been able to afford the test that determined the gene mutation.

There are people in dire need of expensive treatment or medication who are broke, mostly due to their health, and convinced they will be without the medicine or treatment they need.  Some involves pain, so the stress can panic them.  I do not know and this time I haven't bothered to check it out.  Which cronies get the spoils this time?

I notice that medicare pulls all kinds of nonsense tricks on people in an effort to save money.  They can be good, and they can be asinine.

Anyway, without absolute specifics, and specifics I find right, I can't say I support the ACA, or its repeal.  I don't even know much about the mess we've got, and I know less about the mess they are proposing.  I suppose my disdain of the smarmy portion of the democratic party could cause me to react on a my-team-is-better knee jerk tribal response.  But I am rather bothered by republicans too.  I guess they weren't running the show in my school days, and dems were.  And I still object to progressive income taxes.  Besides being ridiculous, they opened the door to the complicated tax code that gives insiders a pass.   Stuff you have to know in order to be rich for more than a minute.

Anyway, it is almost as if the setup is to either screw much of the middle class, or to absolutely pull the rug out from under poor people, old or not.  Sick people.  If you are poor but healthy, you can probably change your conditions if you choose.  If you are poor and sick,  you are doomed. It is life, and life is cruel sometimes.  Really life is life.  And that's it.  Trace all the cause and effect, anything can happen.  Reasons can be complex and maybe that butterfly ripple in the air was the trigger.

Repeal the mandate.  Some think it risky.  I think if the companies see you are not forced to buy, they may quit with those outrageous deductibles and premiums.  I have heard of many people who pay far more than my care has cost, per person in their families.   Totally nuts.  That is gouging.

I think I may be in just the right spot--for the despised state's purposes.  Just poor enough to have no power and be somewhat dependent--medicare.  But not so poor that they can't badger me and suck some blood now and then.

I don't even know any more.

Reminiscent of Rosie. yay

Reason number whoknowswhat why I avoid watching too much news.  I'll read some, but not too much of that, either.

The biggest annoyance to me re Pres. Trump has always been his pettiness in public feuds or disagreements.  I remember when he and Rosie O'D were publicly feuding.  It garnered each of them attention, and it gave me the creeps.  Both of them gave me the creeps.  Each had to respond to the other with a lower, more meaningless cheap shot.  Zero class, all around.  That's the irony of Alec Baldwin's impersonation of Trump on SNL, he is basically playing himself, classless, base, petty, and annoying.

But, yay, the Donald brought the hobby of public insult to the presidency.  That's got to work well.   I do not disagree that Kim is a deranged despot.   But is a public feud on the same level as the Rosie feud really constructive?   I doubt it.

Much of what he said to the UN was fine with me.  It is a phony institution.  A mockery of reality and truth.  He was right to call them out for having terrorist states on their Human Rights council--or whatever it is called.

The United Nations is one the world's foremost money laundering operations.  The corruption is fairly transparent.   It's a joke but someone is profiting.   Powers that be and the largest of monied interests know no national boundaries or loyalties.  The UN is a useful tool.

Despite the dubious gravitas of the UN, I see no benefit in calling out psycho dictators and taunting them like an obnoxious child with name calling.   If the people of N.Korea don't want the system they have, they could change it. Maybe they are unaware, or the army is trouble.  Why don't they revolt?  Maybe too weak and hungry.

I also disapprove of presidents engaging on a personal smear war with networks they chastise by name.  I know they are all over him with anything they can dream up, and that there are different standards depending upon what serves their purpose, but the whole cnn war and all that is not needed.  Let others do that.

When you are president the personal nonsense is not needed.  It is bad for the office.  Obama did it with Fox and with getting in the middle of incidents without knowing the facts.  He weighed in before investigations were conducted, and often in defiance of actual facts.  Trayvon case was one such, so was the thing about a professor being questioned by a cop while drunk, breaking in to his own house.  Obama was wrong.  But he at least did not have Rosie wars.  Not to say he was opposed to ridicule as a tactic.  He wasn't.

I think they all have gone to the dark side, the Alinsky school of public discourse.  Ridicule, play the mindless bandwagon mentality of people, and repeat the lie you want believed over and over and over, despite any contrary evidence.

So, in short I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the UN charlatans taken aback, and called out for being hypocrites.   But, the easy personal attacks on N. Korea's boy wonder were stupid and beside the point.  And that just added to the mindless press reaction.   As much as I despise the standard news outfit slant, and their reactions and reporting, I get a little angry at people who self lampoon in a way sure to kill any credibility a legitimate viewpoint would have.  Plays right into the totalitarian loving left's hands. Referring to the president's compulsion to create controversy over nothing, and to walk into obvious little pr traps boldly laid out in broad daylight by his alleged enemies.

I have yet to figure out why they are so enamored with an all powerful, all knowing state having total power over our lives.  There is a limit, I would think.

Another Lie

"Misery loves company".
Lie.
If it were true, my house would be loaded with people.  It is not.

Another one I wonder about lately.   Not exactly a lie, I guess, but a worry nonetheless.
I think I have had it with being a fake musician.  I'm not a real musician, and neither are most people you see out performing, mostly for nothing.

I am tired of it.  Hopefully I will get tired of feeling how I feel.  Every time I see anything, I think of how I missed the whole boat; never lived.  I thought I could blame drinking, many years ago.  But I quit, and I only became more useless.

It is not hard to see how it all happened, if you are me.  It has taken years to see the enormity of the farce which was my introduction and time on this planet.  It brings anxiety, anger, fear, madness, sense of no worth.  Hopelessness.

Now, even the unstable, neurotic, and lost can spot truths and lies outside of themselves.   And they are abundant.  Those lies are the ones designed to keep people in manageable herds, voting blocs. Also much appears to be devoted to promoting fear.  It matters not what the fear is, just promote it.  Fear of playgrounds, peanuts, meteors, weather, weather events, weather in a hundred years, opposing views, fear of being perceived as questioning "settled science" or "privilege", and much much more.

There are some implied lies which have been used to promote that which was almost non-extent prior to the PR effort.  Charlottesville is a prime example.   Groups with little or no support came in from other areas to make a scene, knowing the governor and mayor would help it explode into a big advertisement for the aberrant.

Supposed white nationalists or supremacists make a big march with tiki torches.   They had a permit. Then other groups get bussed in and they wear bandanas and help seek violence, in the name of protesting fascism.  Neither group would have made a ripple had not the mayor and police, with a complicit governor ensured that violent confrontation would occur.

They have lied portraying white racism as rampant and the biggest racial problem going.  White racism is minimal compared to Black or Hispanic racism.   May or may not account for crime statistics of present day this race on that race crime.  May only be a piece of the story.  But keep lying about it, keep attacking non racists as racists, and you'll get the violence and hatred you seek.

The bussed in antifa and blm phonies were not just peaceful people protesting nazis and white racists.  They were their allies, in reality.  Each needs the other in order to instill fear in their demographics, helping to recruit new morons into the world of self-rightoeous anger, violence, bliss, and usefulness to political criminals.    Both groups were what might be called astroturf.   Both had mostly out of town members.  Both knew that they were escalating the show.  Both just taunting, looking for violent confrontation.  Both looking for the camera.

And America played into it.  You have those who never pass up a good racial incident even when it isn't racial, and you have whatever the hell it is that these neo nazi, kkk types are.  I guarantee you this attention has bolstered their support.  You have just militarized more idiots of every ilk.  The new wave of hate whites for being white, and do it self righteously, has become seriously hateful.  They justify it because of the tiny piece of the population who actually support that neo-nazi routine has been shown under a magnifying glass so it looks like a huge force.  It is not.

We are back to a world in which too many people think of nothing but race 24/7.  And, like the Cracker Barrel girl, they think everyone is as racist and race obsessed as they are.  That is not at all the norm with most people.  Especially with most white people.  But throw in white liberal democrats, and they pretend to be fighting for every legal, perceived, or invented minority, claiming their own race is the evil devil.  I say, shoot yourself for your crimes then.

But noooo.  They won't shoot themselves.  They somehow find this routine helps them gain power of some kind.  Political in some cases.  They think so little of others, purely based on race, that they feel they have to be the saviors and disavow their dna similar white devil relatives.  Puke.

What really kills a lot of these people is that their insistence that all blacks must think alike or else they aren't really Black, and similar nonsense for other groups does not hold up.  More and more people are refusing to bend to petty peer pressure.  Not all Blacks or Africans, or even Russians think the same.  You cannot be outraged at stereotypes while simultaneously insisting everyone of a particular race or ethnicity think alike or else they are traitors.

Another off the wall lie, is the one they promote in order to paint ghetto crime culture as African-American culture.  It is not.  It is redneck style crime culture.  Black white or indifferent, redneck behavior knows no racial divide.  Surprising but true.  Not talking funny trailer rednecks skiing behind lawn mowers and such.

People will go into privilege and selected history.   It is troubling, for sure, every time a group gains power over or possession of, a territory of some kind.   Imagine the heartbreak of indigenous peoples of Mexico when the Aztecs started conquering, enslaving, sacrificing--cutting out the still beating heart-of your tribe.  Bastards.   Then they got theirs.  The upshot?  La Raza.  The Mexican race, Aztec and Spaniard.  Oops.  But it has been celebrated for a century or more.    So, before they take California, how about we just go all the way back through everyone's history and undo it all.

I am convinced people are enamored with self righteous anger.  Really just anger without consequence.  They invent stuff to fuel anger, ignore mitigating factors and off they go.  Maybe they'll break windows, harass and stop traffic,  throw paint, rocks, whatever.  But if they can claim a holy cause, and label you racist, misogynist, homophobe, etc.-phobe,  they will pretend that their violence is pure self defense.   Even though they initiated it.

The more squeamish settle for being outraged and offended.   Then we just have the big pretense in the press.  People claiming harm when no violence has occurred.  Someone did not say something as prescribed and now we need an apology.  It is all fake.  Most of the time, no one was truly outraged, and the perp is not even sorry for the substance of the statement, only that a mob of idiots jumped him for it.  Lots of times it is one who would normally be in the mob who got caught by surprise in the game of apology tag.

We had talk of the age of Aquarius.  This is the age of self righteous idiocy.

Arguing (and agreeing) With Nietzsche

Friedrich N is one of those guys whom people quote.  There is a bushel of oft quoted people.  I often find it annoying, truth be told.  The one that really gets me is, "Someone once said...".  No kidding.
Someone once said, "I like to go to the store."

Geez, someone once said almost anything.  That someone could have been me.  I could say, "Nietzsche wasn't entirely correct in his assessment of human behavior", then hide behind the "Someone once said" motif.  Takes the heat off me, and I can pretend to be as mad at "someone" as you are, should you not like what I/they said.  So watch out for paths of the socio or psycho variety when it comes to the "someone said" game.  It may all be a trick.

The thing about Fred is he is quoted as saying "Man is the cruelest animal".  Of course there are pure dumbasses in positions of academic power and authority, today, who probably bristle at the word "man" being used in the universal human experience sense.  Or they would say even the Nietz knew how awful men are.  Seriously the fake attempts to level all of life's challenges and opportunities has devolved for many years into a form of dadaism.

So screw it.  I will address the quote as written.  I will probably not split things up by gender, race, perceived sex or race, or any possible variation of condition of birth, real or imagined.

My thought was, maybe that is true.  But cats of all types can be pretty rough on squirrels, birds, mice and the like.   The game of cat and mouse can often go on for awhile.  The cat bats the prey around, then makes it think there may be hope, then bats it some more.  They keep doing that, giving the prey hope, then violently mocking them for it.

But humans have done some brutal stuff no question.   The trouble is, man is the kindest animal as well.  That statement is equally true.   Although I doubt any species has more members who hate themselves and others of their kind the way many humans do.   It is very hip in many circles.
I would say a certain ilk of white liberal takes the cake on glorifying hatred of humanity.  In a totally self righteous, somewhat removed way.  As if they too aren't human white devils.

But still, humans are absolutely the kindest creatures on earth.  You can find tons of aberrant humans who are in no way kind.  That does not change the fact that no other animals include so many individuals who step up to rescue their fellows in time of need.  It is a shame that both extremes are in our potential.

It's always hipper to take the cynical view, "we're the cruelest bastards of all life forms ever!", rather than the optimistic one.  When you see events like the NYC boat lift of 9/11/2001, it is clear no other creature would find such numbers of people risking, giving, doing everything to save other humans.

So, I agree that man is cruelest, but I submit that (universal) he is also the kindest.  And the most academically confused.  See the saga of what's his/her name Manning and Harvard.

Fads and nonsense rule much.  Peer acceptance is behind at least 83.5% of all people in demonstrations, marches and other activities in which mobs pretend to be serious aBout some issue, or non-issue.  They won't admit it of course.  Following the groups helps them be considered smart. Parroting talking points and propaganda wins tons of points.

Humans are the most self destructive creatures around, as far as I know.  Of course, not all are.  Just enough to rouse the rabble.   And oh, does the rabble love rousing.

Comment Reply Won't Work, Misconceiving Slow Boat

In the comment on the post below, Slow somebody, lives up to the name.

I never said anyone had to be sexy to have value.  Something Joy said or did on whatever clip I saw elicited that unfiltered response.  I don't like any of the people in the post, and find them somewhat repulsive, hence not sexy.  Then again there are those who immediately strike me as sexy at a given moment.
You are looking for divides.  The constant filter of everything by race or other involuntary condition is shallow and does not help modern civilization.  It used to be that tribal attitudes protected the community.  Now they divide it.

Race is neither virtue nor fault.  But people do not believe that.  They have behaved like race was a virtue or fault throughout history.  Competing tribes, cultures, races.  All wanting to raid and pillage and get your stuff.

There are people so warped and looking for anger that they believe the whole natural system of human reproduction is repressive and misogynistic.

Self righteous anger is so good because you can suspend reason, substituting indignation, you can suspend listening or reading well enough to actually understand what's there, you can suspend any reasonable respect.   It is truly the coward's, and the bully's, way out.

I expect people to become mentally slower, en masse, before a significant backlash occurs.  What is depressing is that it won't just calmly drift toward a peaceful, respectful equilibrium.

Even so, it is maddening when some pit-bull-at-large searching for an angry cause and someone to jump on, reads all the koolaid points into material where it doesn't really apply.  Find an enemy at all costs.  Anyone who is not taken in by identity merchants.   You realize that what they are ultimately selling is violence?   That they help create it?

Slow acted as if he/she/it knows me.  Reading in everything they show you how to do at useful idiot school, whether it is actually there or not.

It is no use, I know.  People are just smart enough to convolute logic, but not to spot half facts and truths.  Not smart enough to see their biggest enemies.

And it is easy to find misandrist remarks out of Joy, almost nonstop.

I'm going to stop short of what declarative sentence is on my mind.

Really. You are pretty much all wet on this one, Slow.
I am talking current , last several decades, violent crime statistics.   And I am sure you skewed the context.  That is the trap when you want to measure all by race or other things you had nothing to do with manifesting.   Some things work for your goals or team, and some don't.   But those are facts.

It hurts people to pretend rather than change things.  When I can walk through Liberty City, fairly sure I'll survive rather than being attacked for not looking right, I'll begin to think that people finally get it.

Tell that to my friend in Miami who was raped, walking out of Jackson Memorial Hosp. from her job, by approximately 11 Black men, left for dead.  She just has no use of her right arm, and only partial use of her right leg.   It doesn't make it better or worse, but that is what happened.

So, your eagerness for a race competition on who is horrible can bring up ugly incidents on all sides.  A fool's game if you ever want harmony.  I won't mention two more incidents involving dismemberment and worse.  Because that is not, and never was the point.

Weirdly, A New York Thing, I Guess

Seriously, to me, Joy Behar is one of the least sexy women ever.  But so is Rosie.   Now, I do think President Trump is a horrendous mess, no doubt for different reasons than people like Alec Baldwin.  Another who has that petty New Yorker thing going.  It is just one sub-culture amid the larger NY fabric, so we can't say all are cheap shot, petty bickerers.  

I admit, I can't listen to any of them for more than a minute, if that.  I actually like Trump better than the other three although I am usually angry with how he feeds the uber statists while pretending not to.

He's the least of the people I blame for the Charlottesville fiasco.  He did not ask the police to stand down.  He was right the first time when he called out all sides involved in that propaganda ploy, and PR coup,  as violent and wrong.  They were.

What has happened in this clever manipulation and massive assault is that a teeny spec of a group has been given a huge boost, and made to look far more numerous and powerful than they are.   By doing this, these neo bolshevik types and ISIS and Crips look-a-likes can play victim, yell racism, collect their pay for participating in this community activity, and hop on the bus back home.

You have idiots in both the really stupid groups who actually believe this nonsense, having no idea they are being used and duped.

I wish I liked what democrats do, but I do not.  I am used to no alternative, but that doesn't stop me from observing and making note of the lies and embellishments being pumped out like raw sewage in the Baja.

By making it look like white nationalists, nazis, etc, are powerful and big, then they can tie it to Trump because the white power bunch has turned on their own, and they don't like democrats either.

He should have had sense enough to say that he refused to be used to promote idiots, and racist tribalists. and identity bigots.  Kind of redundant there.  The fanatics have repeated certain mantras so much that they really believe it.  So, they basically accuse Trump of riding through the night in hooded robes burning crosses.  It is nonsense. He is not a nazi.

Some of the extreme left goes so far as to say anyone who voted for Trump/and/or who is not on the blind bashing bandwagon is therefore a climate denier, racist, etc., and therefore a threat to humanity, therefore should be jailed or executed.   It is nuts.

Like the immigration thing.  He does away with a presidential thing that is not a well defined law.  It is not permanent.  But he defers doing anything about it for six months, with no real indication what happens then.  I would expect very little change in the real policing of the people at issue.  They must sleep well.  RIM sleep.  Dreamers.  Lucky ducks.  Insomnia, guilt, worry, angst and emotional turmoil aren't what they're cracked up to be.

All Temporary

After Hurricane Andrew, way back then, I remember thinking how temporary things in life are.
More people are affected in Houston and area than were by Andrew.  Plus this flooding is another world.   Seems to be the trend in Gulf cities.  Time to cut it out.  No more floods.

The clever mayor told everyone not to leave.  Until it was too late.  You'd think they would have info on where the low lying areas are. Plus cities, airports, anyone like that is supposed to have plans in place and go through mock exercises modeling various emergency situations.   He acted like he was concerned about traffic.  If you have a plan, it should work.

So, lots of people were just trusting their local officials not to be dimwits, too lazy to talk to the weather professionals, civil engineers, etc. before pronouncing the best thing for people to do.

It is hard when hurricanes are coming.  The local press and everyone emotional cripple looking for an excuse to freak out over states the case with every hint of a storm.  It is the principle illustrated by the fable, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".  "Nobody believes a liar, even when he is telling the truth."  Aesop had it going on.

The result is people stuck in a mess.  This time the local authority advised hunkering down.  No one ever advises hunkering up, as far as I know.  Wonder why.

I do not know where you are free of possible cataclysmic events.  I'm thinking the trick is to pick your poison, but still try to land where the threat is mitigated somewhat.  Do you hate fire more than floods and tornadoes?  Do you worry about earthquakes?  Volcanoes?  Location, Baby.  See how it is?  One man's Worst Calamities, especially as listed here, may fall in a different order than his colleague's list.

Not much went wrong in Greensboro, except occasional ice storms taking down powerlines so no power.  They would put it back the way it was and act as surprised as they could when it happened again.  It was crazy. Probably still is.  But no big fire scare, rarely any hurricane influence, not many tornadoes.  But it is not the same town.  Last time I was there, it seemed kind of hostile and ugly.  Not completely, but moreso than back when.

Yay, September is Blood Cancer Awareness Month

I have been improving over the last year, but not always.  My energy level peaked when I was in Texas, but began to wane, even before I left.  Still it is better overall.  Mentally, and I suppose emotionally, I am a mess.  Who cares, you can change your own mind easier than physical malfunctions.

The MPN people sent out an email discussing the reasons why re awareness, I guess.  People always talk about awareness related to this that or the other.  I generally scoff and become annoyed. Great, I am aware that wars are rarely what they appear to be.  That sure helps. Not

BTW, MPN means myeloproliferative neoplasms = bone marrow malfunction.  Got a mutation and blablabla.   ET is what they settled on for me after first thinking PV.   ET= essential thrombocythemia---more platelets than is good.  Way too many if unchecked.   PV polycythemia vera= over production of red blood cells.  Those are simplifications.  Lots of overlap and that sort of thing.  Biological stuff is like that.  Messy, with vaguely defined parameters and boundaries.

Here's the first part of what they sent.   I have no idea what friends and family think. It is not that relevant.  I am the one who generally refuses to believe I have any other problem than that I am a defective, weak minded person, and I imagined all this.

Deep down, I do not think I have a disease, I think I am just no good and can't manage to live a good life like most or some people.

Here's prt of the mpn outfit's message:

What does an "awareness" campaign have to do with PV, ET or MF?

Dear (My name, which I will pretend you do not know)  In a few days, the  month will change to September, which is recognized nationally as Blood Cancer Awareness Month. While you are already aware of MPNs, or myeloproliferative neoplasms, there are many factors indirectly but adversely affecting people living with Polycythemia Vera, Essential Thrombocythemia and Myelofibrosis. A few we hear from patients frequently are Friends or family not believing they are "really" sick or have cancer Insurance or disability denying coverage or a claim Problems getting medication, either because it is too expensive, their deductible is too high, or the medication is not approved for MPN No suitable clinical trials for their diagnosis of PV or ET No way to prevent progression (Since I am doing well on the cheapest, easiest pill, Hydrea, I have had no coverage issues.  I have not sought any sort of disability or any of that.  Not disabled. Especially now.  Far worse 2 or 3 years ago.  Medicare and others play a game. If you let them they will screw you.  It is how they max profits/cut costs/meet budget.  Certain things they flag automatically  hoping you are too sick to argue, then you die--problem solved>  And therein lies the biggest question over single payer---will they actually be more dogmatic and arbitrary, leaving you less recourse than you have now?  I said it was a question. I don't know. Sometimes, I don't care)

Here we are playing heart of Georgetown, TX.  We drew and held a crowd.  I am on far right. The fiddle and I were getting used to one another.  He is stellar.


They go on:

These are problems being addressed by the MPN Research Foundation and other advocacy groups 12 months of the year through education, research funding, and advocacy. Although a month of awareness won't resolve the issue completely, it is a good opportunity for us to work together toward improving the lives of people with PV, ET, and MF. Here are a few activities you can share with friends and family during September to spread awareness about MPNs:...

That's end of them and what follows is my point of view.  I left off their list of things.  Not making an MPN-centric twitter profile pic.  They actually have it, you just click here and there.  I do not do twitter. 

In that I am trying to lead by example.  It may take time before enough of the country follows that example.  Especially elected officials.   Twitter would improve if they banned politicians, 501c and any other blatant power vehicle.  I probably would still ignore it.

               In Texas in early August.  There is absolutely no way I could have done this 2 or 3 years ago.  Even a year ago, I think.  It would have resulted in a pruritus attack like you have no idea.  Unless, of course, you do.  Seriously, a big step.  Other factors, too, besides the intractable itch attacks.  No hives but feels like attack of hyper active ants running all over.  That day was energy peak for last year or more.  Now I wonder how all the big houses built up high on the banks fared with all the flooding.  This was closer to San Antonio, but rivers don't always care.

OK, I am not doing the social media and battery of links they have in their message to me.   If anyone cared to look it up they can go to mpn.org or other place.  

The Houston flooding will influence some of the ongoing research and upcoming stem cell transplants.  

I think Houston has a nit wit mayor, like New Orleans when Katrina hit.  Maybe not as bad as that, but still a nit wit.  The governor of Texas seems competent in this scenario.  Plus the people of Houston are less dimwitted overall than New Orleans people were.  Like it or not, they were dumb as rocks.   People try to blame Bush, but the governor and mayor involved with Katrina were absolutely incompetent, negligent, and too stupid to know they were worthless.  Remember footage of even the cops looting?

Oh well.   This really sucks.  I can only hope that Spike Lee doesn't get involved and try to make another natural disaster into a racial issue.  Those people ought to have enough money by now, so playing on hate and fear and lies should be a thing of the past for them.  Give it up race fanatics.  You are dumber than you think.

OK.  Sande, the lady in whose band I play, won the Western Country Music Assoc. entertainer and vocalist of the year, in her age category and for female.  Genre was called "new country".  Despite all the categorization it is a big win.  She goes to Nashville vicinity for nationals in March.  I guess that is probably a solo adventure, as was this round.  No telling, I may be in Texas by then.  Hard to say.

I'd just like to go see what those people think of what I do.  So, if I had a chance to go, and maybe back her on a show or even open mic at the Bluebird, I'd like to try it. I think I taught her everything that scored her these awards. Two trophies, vocalist and entertainer. 

I bet hematologists and oncologists just made up the whole mpn deal.  They didn't used to know what it was.  I guess the test for chromosomal mutation is their tangible proof.  It is bogus.  Or could be.  Easily.  Something that people can live with for years.  Somewhat active years.  So, my guess is that it is a designer disease.

That's OK. Pretty sure blunt force trauma, resulting from something stupid I may do, is much more likely to do me in than this nonsense.