Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I Miss The Homemade Ice Cream Sandwiches

The ice cream wasn't home made, but the assembly of the treat was. K made lots of ice cream and vanilla wafer sandwiches. Varying flavors.

You have to try it to appreciate such a thing. It helps when there is a bowl there with more than enough to satisfy the ice cream jones.

That was back at Camp Iguana in Florida where I completed a month of rehabilitation of habits. I was awake by dawn or close to it, and ready to retire by sunset. No putting off until tomorrow what could be done today. I had to behave in social situations with strangers. That was tough because I was not feeling very impressive in the grand scheme of life. I felt like just introducing myself as big loser who does good work. Mostly I felt somewhat inadequate for not having spouse or kids and/or grandchildren. Everyone else had one or more of those things.

Maybe someone will start a service which lets you claim far away waifs as offspring or grandkids. You get pictures and cards--enough of a kit to make it look legit; replete with a bio and amusing anecdotes. Maybe for a small fee they have a kid or "grown child" call you at a preset time. Of course when the cell rings you act somewhat inconvenienced that you have to solve yet another minor family drama.

Why didn't I think of this before? The perfect thing for the aging ne'er do well who wishes he had ten kids and a wife with a pioneer cut to her jib. Then again, maybe it just wasn't in the cards. Good reason to encourage others not to traumatize small children, and to encourage youth, aka yoots, to ignore news and never buy drugs from unlicensed pharmacists. Also never let pride and anger cloud your view of the ultimate goal, whatever it be. Long story and half of it is written here or elsewhere.

So, today was a real struggle with that macabre feeling of doom that the above mentioned true wish sometimes brings. It is not the best way to spend mental energy. Not all past experience was a waste. Much wasn't, although the pain of some judgement lapses and general gullibility in certain respects is a bit hard to bear. It can be easily conjured and re-lived, to a degree. The result is a horror. It did leave me believing I probably will die alone, but maybe I'll be the "special friend" to a few good grandmas. Or something. That is better than nothing however I want a better outcome in that department.

Good thing 50 is the new 22 and 70 is the new 36. 36 was a very good year in some ways. So were several that followed. I'd go so far as to say they were ... never mind. That does lend credence to my theory that if you have means enough for the very basic necessities that friends and warm women are about all else one should require. Like everything, this can only be appreciated fully in retrospect---rarely at the moment.

Life now must be pretty good. I have some very good friends, and the necessities covered for the moment. That is an ongoing endeavor. Life is like that. The warm women department has yet to gel. I'm a little more cautious than ever before. Some experiences, I refuse to repeat. Most bad ones could be avoided if I learn a little from the past rather than repeat it.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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