Thursday, March 15, 2012

If You Don't Live Here, You Really Don't Know

People are bizarre and difficult creatures. They are the best we've got, and I belong to that class of being, so I can't say I hate them. Some people say that, "I hate PEOPLE!". To me, that makes zero sense since the person saying it is a people. If you really feel like we shouldn't exist, or that wolves and bears should occupy our space, then off yourself, or at least make your dwelling a home for such animals. No cages allowed--just let them in.

The misanthropic cry does not always relate to placing bears or other creatures above humans. Often it is just an expression of dislike for one's species, pure and simple. When you look at some institutions, and behavior of masses and countries, it can be understandable.

My frustration--one facet of my frustration--comes from the tendency of people to think they know what it is to be me. They assume they know how my brain and self view operate. I don't even know. I know that even though I may have demonstrated some ability or talent in a particular instance, I often have no sense that I can duplicate that effort in any way. I didn't say "always". I said "often".

I know the difference between believing I can do something and feeling like I have no idea how to do the particular thing. Even if I've done it a hundred times. That cog wheels up in the gears that make me go and the screen goes blank. If I'm lucky, there is some way to fake the task, and maybe even get the gears going again in the process. Some things don't work that way.

To compound the annoyance of that glitch, I have friends who simply think I am being self destructive or a wimp and that I voluntarily lose ambition or continuity of effort. Some people, who aren't here to do it, have had the ability to help me turn the wheel past the missing teeth in the gear. I don't know where they are now--the ones who are still alive.

My plan is still to get past that, but I am sure I will endure the ire of those who do not understand what this means. People who mean well, and firmly believe that what is obvious to them is the totality of what will work for me. One day it will, and the next, maybe not.

I guess one manifestation of the way this works is how I am able to immediately see the solution to a complex puzzle, or what one player in a chess game can do to get out of trouble and win, at a specific point in time. Another day, I may be totally incapable of seeing how the simplest puzzle is solved, and would have not the slightest clue about what to do in the chess situation. I might spend an hour looking at it. It is not consistent.

Someone told me such things do not vary to that degree--that IQ does not vary to any significant degree like that. Well, in my case it does. Massively. I could give you some accurate numbers, but I won't.

So, once again the case is made that it is better to seek to understand than to be understood. You are out of luck if you expect to be understood. And I don't care if I am understood all that well. I do care if I am second guessed in ways which are far from the essential mark. Thus, I hope I do not do that to others. It is why I don't suggest too strongly to others what they should do with whatever talent and resources they possess. If their windows cloud over, or become screens for imaginary scenes, the way mine do, I may be suggesting the wrong thing, or in the wrong way.

The benefit of this kind of fog is that I think it can be harnessed in some way. It may be that great creations and ideas lurk in that mist. Lately it has been more of an effort than usual to maintain a clarity and focus. I think I'm cycling back into an easier phase. Maybe I am.

People are creative little bastards. Most of them know what they'd do if they were you, but not what they'd do if they were they.
The ones who have a real handle on what they'd do if they were they are the luckiest people in the world. And I am guessing that they are the happiest and most successful. I don't know what I'd do if I were you or I. Ain't that a pickle? I guess that given certain scenarios I know what I'd do. But overall, I really don't know.

And I have to guess that when it comes to me, you don't either.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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