Thursday, May 28, 2015

Police State Fun

I live in a mountain community.   Maybe a hundred or so souls.  One road up and the same road down.

Apparently a trusting neighbor had a son in his early twentys who was having mental issues, and suicidal tendencies.  He was armed with a screwdriver.

The trusting neighbors called the police and the sheriffs showed up.  I guess the guy was wandering the dirt road that leads up to my place and the others.  They are all spread out.

How he managed to spook the crack crew of sheriffs and deputys, who knows.  But he did, and one of them shot him to death.

So, they decide the road is a crime scene and block off each end at about 5 something or 6 P.M.    News trucks show up.  It is wonderful.

They won't let anyone go home. Can't park at the bottom and walk up. Nothing.  I get there after dark to find I cannot go home to get my daily medicine.  They are saying it will go on until well after midnight.  Maybe all night.  They offer no solution except, "The red cross will be here in awhile".  That was at 9:15 PM.\

The guy was allegedly brandishing a screwdriver.  This is not racial, dear idiots in Baltimore and else.

Crackers with hand tools buy the farm too.

I hate the culture of governmental and police authority so bad I could not contain myself.  I say, "Look, if you are all done shooting people, why not at least let us park down here and walk up?  Oh no, it's a CRIME SCENE!!!  Those two words are supposed to say it all.  They are important,. we are not.

You know they will invent justification no matter what, so why pretend?  Their own unmarked cars were ushered on past the barricade.  Their cars won't screw up the high tech, dirt road crime scene, but someone walking home, even escorted by one of the dozens of armed government employees cannot be managed.

So, I'm too tired to do else but a motel.   The out of phase issue with the hydrea is not a good thing, but not end of the world.  I cannot believe how much I despise the thinking that fuels most government and just about all of police culture. It almost worries me.  It was all I could do when I was at the scene not to just run their barricades, run over the unhelpful cop and let them shoot me.  I guess a wacko in a rogue Subaru is at least more legitimate threat than a suicidal guy with a screw driver.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Never Trust Someone You Don't

Or, if you do, make sure that person is trustworthy.
I was told to tell the guy I brought in to help at work that breakdowns in communication are why he needs to back out and we'll let you know when we need something. I told him that but said in my mind it is a breakdown in respect.
Probably no point in rehashing it a bunch here.

I'm just amazed that someone could refuse to listen, do work you specifically said did not need doing, on and on, and then act surprised "if you felt disrespected".  It makes you think you are crazy.

It should be clearing up.  I just always worry that crazy people will do sneaky vendetta stuff.   The trick is to make them think you are crazier than they are, but do it subtly. It is an art and I have yet to master it, although I have had a few good moments in the practice a various times in my life.  When you can have your wits about you, and timing just right, it is one of those adrenaline rushes of focus.

The work I am going to have to fix.  Whoa.

At least I think I am going to be able to do it.  That is an improvement over the last few months.  It is all up and down and in cycles.  I guess I'm less depressed but not without great effort.

Monday, May 25, 2015

War Is Over, unless you get killed there

I had no idea.  During Obama's obligatory, and highly bizarre, Memorial Day speech (complete with those annoying whistling S's) he disclosed that the war in Afghanistan is over.

Who knew?  He implied we aren't at war anywhere.  I didn't know.  Of course the trainers and advisors there, who are soldiers, but not there at war because the war is over, occasionally buy the farm.   It must fall somewhere between "died in action" and oops, wrong place at wrong time.  Obama picked one out by name for a posthumous shout out, but I am unclear on the technical specifics; war is over but soldiers getting killed where the war used to be.

The phoniness surrounding this government and this holiday is truly nauseating.  "Few know what it’s like to take a bullet for a buddy, or to live with the fact that he or she took one for you," says the big O.   Are you kidding me?   Let's throw some salt in the wounds of the living.

Let's see, if I took a bullet for a buddy, chances are I'd be dead.  I'd know what it was like to take the bullet for a buddy, and what it is like to be dead.  What a screwy thing to say.  He doesn't know what it is like to be in the military.  These phony events are so wrought with half truth, total pretense at caring or concern, opportunistic photo ops and sound bites, unthinking bandwagon language.  Drunks.  

Still, I am so happy the war in Afghanistan is over.  Who won?  

Somehow, 90% of everyone I have heard use the term, "ultimate sacrifice" strikes me as a self serving phony.  Probably because they are.

A Harbinger of Doom, Probably Predicted in the Bible

The market being targeted by Dodge ads is disturbing for a couple of reasons.  First, it is sad that such a demographic even exists; the dumb and ignorant who don't realize they are dimwits.  Secondly, the proud and violent nature of these dolts, as glorified in the ads.

A monkey and a guy that looks like a retro fifties greaser pull a guy out of his Dodge for eating a croissant--a fancy pastry.  They throw him across the hood and handcuff his hands behind his back.  Ad is clearly targeting nitwits.

Once again, I say to Dodge, "Why?  Are you serious?  Marketing to wannabe rednecks and copies of video game characters is really that profitable?"

I can tell you it works.  Your demographic has a certain style, if you will, of driving.  Kind of an ignoramus with an attitude gone wild behind the wheel sort of vibe.  Guts glory yikes

Sunday, May 24, 2015

It Is Not Fun No Matter What

It seems that Memorial Day brings me feelings of acute loneliness for reasons unknown.  It is close to unbearable.  I just put it together this year.  As the weekend progressed, or the week--who knows--I realized that this awful detachment has happened a lot at this particular time in the year.

I understand the point of the day, though I think there are several aspects of the holiday being promoted.  There are all the sales; Hey, you or your ancestors may have been killed or maimed in one or more wars of questionable cause and point, yippee, buy some furniture!
There is the idea that no matter what the war, the soldier who goes to die without question is above reproach.  At the level of sainthood.

And somewhere in the mix, not really very clear is the honor that comes from securing freedom and security for posterity.  The real heroes.  So very few of those, in reality.  So few military actions are the product of sincere, honest, necessity in the battle of good and evil.  That is because most of those who would control the lives of so many, who would trade those lives for control of resources or production of wealth, are not honorable people.

This is why we have one political party posting a picture of the commander in chief enjoying an ice cream cone to celebrate the day when those who fought and died in wars are honored and revered.  That is their poster for the day, the high priest of koolaid licking an ice cream cone.  Let's have a bar b que and get drunk at the beach.

Obviously, I don't know how to appreciate it as I should.  I was once in a unit which was designed to defend the borders.  The thing is, Russian Migs out of Cuba violated our borders regularly, but we only followed them.  At the same time, over in the USSR, they would shoot down civilian planes which cast a shadow on their border.  Part of the big pretense, I guess.  We did not publicize their frequent infractions, yet we pretended their murderous actions were justified.

It is similar to the way it is more chic to ridicule those who think islam is a murderous, barabric cult, and fault christianity for somehow being the bad guy, all in the same breath, than it is to call the backward barbarians out for what they are.  Face it, some cultures are nothing more than giant cesspools of mass psychosis; proof that mental illness can be catching and cultivated.  Facts be damned.

The sad thing is how a time of remembrance for those who died or endured great hardship as part of the military is really a propaganda and recruiting tool.  How many of the wars in our history have been as represented?  How many have been for a definable purpose with clearcut goals?  All of them in my lifetime have had vague purpose, goal, and justification, if any honorable justification at all.

The honor in such adventures is found in how the troops protect one another,  risk all to save a comrade in arms, but not the mission itself.  Dishonest officials create these wars and they drag on and on.  The actual goal is not even clear. How do you know you've won?

It is a tough one. On the one hand you have to honor the soldier who has so much faith in his commanders that he willingly goes into battle because he is sent there, and he feels honor bound to follow orders.  Yet you have to wonder at so many going in, knowing there is corruption involved and very dubious national interests, yet still not questioning.

I tend to think most religion is abused by the faithful in order to further one's personal cause and prestige.  That does not give reason to falsely paint the behavior and motive of the world of christianity as something it is not.  The inquisition was long ago, and not something inherently American.  You'd never know, to listen the the modern school of chic Christian ridicule.

Mention something about the religion of beheadings, and you will be met with LOL and "what about those christians who don't like gay marriage or abortion?"

They are not violently attacking you, morons.  They just won't bake your stupid cake.  And they are not happy abortion is legal.  If you equate that with honor killings in which a woman is buried to her waist and then stoned to death by self righteous zealots, then you obviously need work on the concept of moral and practical equivalence.

None of that matters much to me, I guess.  It turns my stomach to hear politicians and our president spouting nonsense, pretending to revere people whose lives they think are expendable and insignificant.  They prove that by their actions.  Their talk is designed to keep the supply of bodies volunteering to be used however these scumbags see fit.   I have to wonder why anyone would sign up for our military under such "leaders", considering how they are using the military, and for what alleged purposes.  Defense is another mislabeled department of government.   This is so emotionally charged that questioning the set up is liable to get you killed or shunned or beaten.  That is a sad state of affairs.

Best to opt in for the lobotomy and mindlessly wander the streets of military towns playing the pre-recorded loop, "Thank you for your service" endlessly.  Thoughtlessly.  When the domestic aspect which has been festering comes into full swing, will thanks still be blindly offered?  Kent State may have been a false flag set up by Weather Underground, but look how it turned out.  US weapeons turned on US citizens.  Wasn't hip then, but the same weather underground types are now running the show.

Odd, huh?  Peace and love was never what the peace and love, flower power movement was really about. It was about the ease with which mobs can be mobilized.  And how easy to make them think they are righteous.  Identity politics and social movements.  Back then it was all about My Generation.  WTF?  Did anyone ever stop to analyze this?  No.  Now we have a bunch of names for so-called generations.  Shoot me now.

I do understand, though, signing up, seeing if you can make the cut into some elite fighting force; one of the top groups for whatever service.  And never consider who it is sending you into battle, and never consider what the reason is, or who will gain.  If you are in such a force and you really delve into it, you would know you are used like a mercenary soldier for purposes not as pure as advertised.  Wars without moral authority tend to last forever it seems.  If they cannot tell you what the clear objective is, then that ought to raise a red flag.  If they say it is to spread democracy or some such nonsense, then anyone who can reason should know that makes no sense.

Freedom and justice are not always in line with democracy.  Pure democracy is mob rule.  And mobs are idiots.  Just look at all the current mob action in Ferguson, Baltimore and elsewhere.  Greedy, violent, sadistic looters with an excuse to plunder unhindered.  The excuses are lies and they know it. But people pretend. And pretend hard.  It is beyond belief if you really look and admit the truth of reality.

Militarily, and politically, we have allowed ourselves to become hopelessly entwined in the madness of religious states. You cannot have individual freedom and true liberty in religious states.  Especially ones with medieval superstitious traditions like islam.   Where is feminism in this case?  Abortion is not the only topic on the block.  Maybe those who would call themselves feminists instead of humanists are phony and not big picture people.

 They don't seem to care about the abuse of women in these islamic states.  Once again, easier to accept the mantle of victimhood and self righteousness than to actually reason out the truth and hold to it.  How they twist it so that American Christians are more brutal than garden variety muslims in Saudi Arabia and such is beyond me. But they tend to do that.  They mistake a differing viewpoint with a violently enforced refusal to allow a differing viewpoint.

Like everything else, it is all twisted up.  Even though slavery is still common in Africa, ignorant people think it was invented by the evil europeans--who are the ones who finally banned the practice. The rest of the world wasn't lobbying for abolition.  Try telling that to the looters/vandals aka protestors in St Louis, Baltimore and elsewhere in Al Sharpton nation.  It is nuts.  Doesn't mean the police state culture is right, because it is not.  But that is how you do it. Set up aberrant groups against other aberrant groups, then pretend one of them is not aberrant.  I hate to say it, but people are generally not smart enough to see through it, and the attraction of the bandwagon is too great to resist.

So, we jump on half truths and ignore the underlying truth and cause.  Or even the blatant reality of the moment.  I don't like the police state so I pretend Michael brown was a saint.  I don't like punks and thugs so I pretend the police are selfless warriors for peace and that the innocent stroke victim being tased had it coming for being "disrespectful".  I have zero respect for armed men hiding in the bushes hoping to catch you speeding.   I have no respect for people setting up a road block, stopping me and other innocents,  hoping to catch someone drunk.  It is wrong and those who can't see it deserve to live, by permission, in a prison state.

I don't like white people defending themselves, and I do like riots, so I pretend Trayvon was just a sweet little boy and I pretend that George Zimmerman is white, even though he's part black, hispanic and jewish.  Let's just call him a "white hispanic" because the ignorant fools who allow themselves to be herded like sheep will go for it.  Anything to feel the warmth of vicarious victimhood, and unpunished violence and anger.

Personally, I am at as low a point as I have been in years.  Just all of a sudden,  Maybe it is the hydrea inducing mood swings.  Still, I do not trust myself to own a firearm because I think I would most likely use it improperly and people would call me a coward for shooting myself.  I do not think that coward label is right.  But again, people spout off as if they know what they are talking about when they do not.

In my case, I blew it.  My life is a worthless waste.  It could be worse.  I could be a union boss, or a gang member or a hell's angels jerk.  Those people are a blight on society.  I am just a nobody, who doesn't even have a family or any of that. A loser.   I am not sure I can take that much longer.

Nothing works out and I can't play at religion because I do not buy it for the most part.   Just how it is, sort of.

I have to quit pretending.  I have managed to fool a lot of the people a lot of the time.  And I am sorry for that.  I am useless and that is about all there is to that.  Maybe I can fix that, then go for one last bizarre flight in a parasail way up high off tall mountains, and that will be that.  It is my goal.  But first all else must be cleaned up, organized and all made so the state can't screw with it, or harass any relatives.

It was better when I thought the blood disease would kill me quick.  As it is I think I will just have to take chemo supplements forever and maybe in five or ten years some nonsense will run me down to the point of a semi vegetable then finally, lights out.   Hard to say with gene mutations and cancers.  This type is not one you kill and hope it stays gone.  It is just there messing up the production of blood cells of all kinds.  So we knock out the factory, sort of.

It may be that if I quit the med and do nothing it will put me down fairly quickly.  I don't know.

I think the medical world largely caters to fools and idiots.  They do much good, like set broken bones and take out exploded appendixes.

Why else tie medicine in with government?  That is government's job--manipulating morons, creating hapless, self righteous victims.  Put the medicos in bed with the politicos and the offspring is not truth justice and honor.  But morons don't know that.  And we have moron factories everywhere.  The schools, churches, organizations like Occupy and peta, and numerous outfits spouting liberty but not quite meaning it.

Maybe they are all right, and I am wrong.  I am the loser.  I threw the race way too many times so the weak and envious would not be unhappy and hate me.  What an idiot I was and am.  I doubt anyone still living knows how true some of this is.  I'm not sure I care what the cruel bastards who still breathe think anyway.  I am sad and I am mad and I am sorry.

Had to make font bigger because whatever is my disease, or maybe the cure, is affecting eyesight.  It goes beyond that.  Subtleties of sound, thought, speech, and what is seen all escape me.  Everything has to be ultra clear and defined, or else I get lost or angry.  Makes no sense.  Just how it is.  

I cried most of the way home tonight, singing my new original song which is not complete, An Adios Kind Of Deal.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

High Turnover Is Not Always Faulty Management

So, the Enter the Blue Sky group, for which I play an harmonica, has gone through some personnel changes over the last 8 months.  Or however long I've been the chief rabble rouser of the band.

Soon after I came on board the keyboard got canned.  Mostly due to a feud with the fiddle player.  Who was right or wrong, I cannot say, but it was his handling of the matter that caused Sande to give him the boot.

Fast forward awhile and the fiddle player becomes disgruntled; wants to fron four or five songs a show, wants credit for arrangements when he comes up with a backing part??? I know, I didn't get it either. b So, he lays down an ultimatum and it becomes an adios kind of deal.  Sande is not one to negotiate with ISIL or other terrorists or those leveraging some form of emotional blackmail.  Ultimatums are only good if you are prepared equally for either outcome.  Someone like Sande is going to call your bluff.

So, we get a girl viola player who turns out to have doctorate degrees etc, was a symphony player, and she is great.  Now the bass player decides to walk.  He has always been non committal and this has more to do with him avoiding getting out of his comfort zone, which I won't detail.  Nice guy, good in a pinch player but not creatively enthusiastic.  Anyway, bu bye. He goes.

Now another woman player may enter the mix.  A Berklee school of music grad. who makes her living playing, likes the music and wants to give us a shot regardless of fact it ain't paying the bills.

The would leave the drummer and I as only males in group.  Yay.  I am fine with that!

It makes it look like maybe Sande is tough to work with or something.  Not true. Sande is absolutely delightful, except when I get mad at her over trivia.  She's great.

Things can often look some way they aren't.  The simple fact is that most people who play folk, pop, rock, country, Americana, etc.-maybe any kind of music--are unbalanced lunatics.  No idea why, but that is how it is.  So they come and go, even when drugs and drink aren't to blame.

My "help" at work has become a bit of a nightmare.  He has not listened to anything I said, so it seems.  Long story, and total shocker considering I brought him in, guaranteed his first pay from my savings, until the company caught up, etc.  Ingrate.

Oh well.  I believe he's being phased out.  I'm feeling better and able to do more so I need less help.  But it could look like I do not play well with others.  Not true.  I am a wonderful co-worker, but we have some very strange, back stabbing lunatics in the mix.  Not my fault.  I am possibly going to survive them all.  I hope the feeling better continues.  A few good days and I always think it is permanent, but often get little set backs. Two steps forward and one back. That is still positive net forward travel.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Soothing Agents Wear Off Quickly Enough

That means I'm suckered into worrying about things of which I'd rather not think. Not interested, and it dampens the mood.

There are times when I wonder if I am dealing with a schemer, a dunce, or a mental case.  Mental case is the scariest.  I may be dealing with just that.  I enlisted help at the semi daily job.  I think I either created a monster or just bought a brand new one, right out of the box.

No need to rehash the saga.  Suffice to say, I do not get it.  The guy will not listen.  It is like trying to tell a rebellious 17 year old boy something.  Then they go and do exactly what you warned against and prove your point.

This one has me really baffled.  I needed the help, and helped this guy out a lot.  Then it gets weird.

I don't even know what to say to people who break my trust or demonstrate extreme discourtesy or lack of respect, in the context of pretending friendship, or accepting help.  In most, if not all, contexts, I guess.  Anyway, the respect part and trust part aren't up to comfortable levels at this time.

I won't be so down physically for long, and it is improving a little.   Amazing how people will prey on a thing like that.  I'm a little sorry.  They do not want to try sneaky destructive games with me.  It will backfire on them if I keep myself under control and stay mindful of things.  I will not keep people in my life who try to rob me while I'm down.

It could be the guy is nuts and somehow believes he is always right no matter what and anyone offended no matter what he does must be lacking in awareness.

Maybe I just forget it. Trouble is I got him in and on the books.  Big mistake.  Maybe if they background check he won't fly.  I would think they know a lot about me or anyone working there.  If not, that is serious lapse.  It is that sort of situation.

Something is askew, that is all I know.

Monday, May 11, 2015

It's Twue, It's Twue!!! Music does soothe the savage beast

We had a practice tonight.  I guess I haven't played with the Enter the Blue Sky group in many days, or a week or so.  I forgot I could feel that good.  It immediately removed my free floating anger and frustration.  I cannot believe how my mood shifted after a song or two.  Really remarkable.

All I wanted to do was punch doctors and yell at anyone and everyone when I arrived.  Then I was only too happy to just be alive and be playing with nice people.

This is why I rarely trust my anger and a certain sort of judgement.  I am often too far off to take my feelings as solidly rooted in reality.  I know this.  It seems most people do not know that anger can tend to bring about injustice, warped assessment of others, and a host of problems.  Not that it is not sometimes in order.

 If you are not mad a looters, you are probably a duped progressive and need to lay off the koolaid.

If you really think muslims are oppressed and misunderstood, you again need to cut down on the koolaid.

Controlling anger and understanding how it can lead to unfair view or treatment of others does not mean one has to pretend that the aberrant and base are somehow valid and worthwhile.

State of the Dissociative Runaway Train Notes

So, if they list possible side effects, it is possible that some may occur.
Just because you are paranoid does not mean they are out to get you.  They may just be discourteous, rude, or incompetent.  Then again, who knows?

A day long nose bleed is not so bad if it bleeds real slow like a minor runny nose.

I wish I had never heard Dock of the Bay.   Much as I like it, that one line just won't leave me alone.
And it makes things worse because it is true.

I remember when it started, or when I gave in to it.  Big mistake.  If you are a parent, you better find a way to help your offspring learn how life works, not how it doesn't.  And if you are a shallow jerk, I suggest leaping from the north rim of the Grand Canyon.

If it says, "If any of these symptoms occur, call your doctor immediately, and if you know the arrogant bastard is just going to say, "Well, maybe give it another few days or a week, and then see how it is.", why bother calling?   (or better yet, he may say, "I don't see why that should happen. I don't know what you want me to do") After all, spontaneous bruising from no known stimulus is nothing.  Big red and black blotches save you the cost of getting a meaningless (to anyone being honest) tattoo.  "Yea, I had elements of the Rorschach test permanently installed on my arm and calf."   Cool.  Almost as cool as that Frankenstein calf tattoo.

I tie it all up in a neat tidy package.  All of it.  Pushy government, dogmatic, passive-aggressive educational systems, the evolution of corporate-speak, and cries for idiots to control health care and retirement.  I could go on.  It is the same mentality for everything annoying.

People cannot live and let live.  If little twitty pricks think they are smart, they will run around doing all they can to prove it, preferably at the expense of others.  Eventually they are the ones who assure us that they know best what is good for us.  Since most of "us" are lazy, confused, and haggard from trying to make sense of it, we tend to let "them" have their way.

That just makes the creeps believe even more firmly in their intellectual superiority and their right to dictate how lives, resources and, lately, thought,  should be distributed, used and created.

I guess this is not just a manifestation of a depressed and ruined life.  It could be that the biological complex is steadily spiraling into total failure.

So, why am I mad?  I am mad because I did it all wrong and I don't think I have been much help to others over the course of this run.  And I cannot stand the institutionalized attitude, lack of thought, incompetence and false promise of hope.  Those bastards are not where hope lies.  Maybe sometimes. Not in this case.  The closer you get to the socialized aspect of the medical world, the less they give a damn about your life, and the more they tend to think of you as too dumb to live anyway.

I think a huge last tour will be in the offing eventually.  Otherwise I sit here and go to pieces from the remedy which is supposed to prevent me from going to pieces.

Believe me, the good things that come through in the world of medicine have a real fight finding their place due to the passionate idiocy, and general misanthropic policies which are implemented with a smile.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Like It or Not

Coyote Festival was good.  Perfect weather, nice sound and stage- equipment and personnel, and I enjoyed every group (at least one group was a group of one, and rocked).

Only picture I have seen of us does not include me, so forget it. I'm that narcissistic when I am bored or looking to stir the pot.

It is disturbing, though, that someone posted like 27 pictures from the event on facebook, and shows the band, but not me-- there left of Karen, the viola player.  Self doubt wafted out from the facebook screen like a tear gas bomb delivered by homeland security and local SWAT for my own good.

I'm pretty sure I've lost the appeal I may have at one time imagined I possessed.  The real question is, "Has anything been lost?"  You cannot lose something you never had.  That means this boils down to simple possession; yes or no?

I will say yes, but nothing more detailed, descriptive or relevant than that.

Figuring this thing out might be a good idea.  Truthfully, I have gone kind of numb in certain areas of thought.   If I think about health or consequences or what I really think in that regard, it immediately results in thought paralysis, until I mentally change the subject somehow.  Like now, I am talking about what I think without saying what it is that I think.  

Energy doesn't seem to grow on trees these days.  Or does it?

That reminds me; they have some of the dumbest, misanthropic tripe passed around sometimes on facebook.   The big idea that mankind is the only predator on the planet, and everything done by humans is terrible.   Beavers can build dams, but not humans.  

I don't believe in creating unacceptable (by my standards) collateral damage, but it is not really necessary.  That is actually what engineers are for, but people and companies get lazy, then they buy the government to pretend to make laws to whip the industry into shape, but it is mostly a means of rewarding benefactors and punishing competition.  Very easy to spec things out in such a way as to give one bidder for a contract a great advantage over others.  All the while pretending neutrality. 

That was a tangent, was it not?     Well, I am just not certain that I can make things happen, or not happen, to suit me.  I guess I better learn to reset the boundaries of what suits me.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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