Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Reactively Nuts

This would be a good description if I wasn't me but I was my shrink making notes. That is because it is easy to react as if a certain scenario is in action, even though it may or may not be. If strong evidence to the contrary is not present then visions of how repulsed others must be by my general way of being fill my mind.

At that point the decision to shut down, avoid, hide, and shroud myself in various forms of incommunicado is made. I'll leave the phone at home, the computer off, and generally be hard to find should anyone try. Most of the time no one even knows I've done that because they have something else to do besides track me down or call. So, when I return to no messages, notes, letters, etc., the foolishness and probable immaturity of my thought patterns become evident.

From there I reverse the plan, decide to be man and not mouse, be strong and get over it. What is it, I wonder. The old, "screw it" philosophy enters in. Back to the drawing board. Start with what I can control. Other people are not in that group of things. My own thoughts and attitudes for the most part are.

How could anyone be repulsed, anyway? I'm not that pushy, dirty, or otherwise difficult, I don't think. Maybe my aversion to, and distrust of, authority troubles some people. Or my desire to avoid people who lie, cheat, and/or steal. Of course, I could see how my weak frontal lobe activity would be a bit problematic at times. It has certainly plagued me and become tiring at times. I have to really make effort in order to filter what comes forth. Usually I can manage that.

When I compare myself to successful guys my age who are well integrated into the culture and our civilization, the contrast feels a bit stark. I'm not sure most of them are any more fun and I know that there are things I wouldn't change in order to be more like them, even if I could. However, there are things that separate us which I wistfully envy, for want of a better word. Good for them, they did it right. The only cure is to think in terms of now on, even though what the best path is now remains a mystery. The template is not so clear after a point. Maybe it never was.

The last year or so was predicated upon a single goal which may have been part of a larger goal; change everything and go search for home. I don't know if I am home but it is much closer than it was. Only so much dreariness is possible now. The acceptable level of isolation and self loathing has reduced dramatically.

Therefore, the level of half baked reaction based on what I imagine, but do not know, has necessarily reduced in intensity and duration as well. The entire key in my case is to have nerve and belief, and refuse to fall into overwhelming self doubt. That has been a lesson I've found hard to learn and put to work most of my life. It comes and goes. That is where the knowledge that thoughts can be controlled and directed is an essential tool of survival.
Off the subject: shame on Switzerland for agreeing to provide the IRS with any private banking info. The real crime is the IRS itself. People around the world used to admire freedom, and now we are leading the way on the road to viewing it as somehow evil. That sucks.

Back to life. It was a temptation to discuss the many initiatives which influence private lives that are elementally wrong. I've heard some very elitist analysis of people who aren't on the bandwagon lately and it is born of as much ignorance as they attribute to the other.
House cleaning has proceeded at light speed. Go faster than light and time goes backwards. Clearly, my description is stated in the most optimistic sounding terms.
I found my lost glasses again while on my way to a job many miles away to look for them. That saved a bit of travel.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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