Thursday, November 5, 2015

Slowly I Turned

inch by inch, step by step, day by day...

I want that parasail.  That is probably the answer to all.  Altitude is my friend, but like many friends, it may turn on me one day.  That's OK.

There is probably a good reason that I find no stucco fixing info which covers the sort of wall corners that have partially fallen off.  The Santa Barbara smooth mission finish is a difficult thing.  And the nature of the repair area makes life very difficult if you are dealing with dreaded stucco.

They leave you out in the cold. All the repair stuff and stucco info deals with easy flat areas, or large, square corners with plenty of space on each side.  They pointedly avoid discussing circumstances similar to mine.

I think I will have to chip out what I did and start anew.  So many people to blame now; Bush, Carson, Trump< Obama, Clinton.  And to one degree or another I guess they are all culpable.  We know they are guilty of something.  So we just blame them when convenient.

I am not going there, though.  I have found people and news to be so over saturated with koolaid that their wet brains cannot possibly reason clearly, and they will kill you for pointing it out.  Yikes.

My own issues with reality and judgement are bad enough.  Tempting as it is to escape those by delving into things over which I have little control, but about which my understanding is insightful and true, I will not do it.  The more I escape into that political nonsense, the weaker my hopes to establish a decent life and direction.  Besides, I think I may be falling apart, and I have to do what I can to fix that.

But seriously, do people really think that they are saving the planet with token acts of austerity and reduced living standards?  You are not.  Climate may be influenced to a small degree by humans, but it is not the over riding force for change.  But then the earth savers are clueless about how much government people, corrupt government people, and environmental histrionics have retarded the natural evolution of technology toward more sustainable energy methods and ways of improving life without killing off resources, people and minnows.

Good Move in a Little Life

So, it seems that pain is the new normal.  Just how it is.  And the hopeless feelings that want to consume a person tend to grow and feed on the organism like ebola on steroids.  I wonder how steroids actually react with ebola, but I am not curious enough to try it at home.

I forced myself to clean up suit up, and get out of the house.  Tonight is the weekly thing that Chris, the Marine and them do at the VFW.  They have expressed the desire for me to play with them when I can so I showed up.

I did not play much, but had little desire to play a lot.  Being around people who want me there and who might get me out of my own madness was the goal.  I did not even know if I could hang for thirty minutes before feeling the need to leave.  Some chronic pain was bothering me a lot.  I took three of the pain pills the bass player from Sande's band gave me.

Eventually I guess they helped.  The pain was less when standing up, so I did a bit of that.  At any rate, I realized I may be of some benefit to Chris or Emily or Richard.  You never know.  They want me to play with them on veteran's day at the USS Midway, downtown at the harbor.  Big Veteran's day celebration.  San Diego is a huge military town, so such a thing is big.  It would be kind of an honor to play that, I think.

So, as little as playing means, I will use it to keep me from too much insane isolation and depressed misery.  Maybe end up being recruited to be a spook.  I have nothing holding me back, as long as I can be a spook with no big physical demands, not fluent second languages, and no real skills.  Just the sort of spy we need.

I started to come home at several points along the way to the Lakeside VFW.  But I did not let my mind talk me out of going.  That was a tiny victory in itself.  I was able to do more than expected.  And I really felt better seeing these friends.  I wish some older version of Emily would happen my way.  She is a looker.  Maybe the older version would have to have a few modifications to make compatibility with me on the level I want work better.  We can settle details later.  First let us just find the proper unit and then we will refine the deal.

This is a very hard period of life.  Maybe quit fighting everything.  Or try.  Otherwise I know I am doomed.  If I try to thwart the destructive demons which tend to possess me, I may yet survive to enjoy a natural demise rather than some accelerated, ill advised approach to the ultimate exit.

One thing for sure; I cannot take that overwhelming lonely sad thing that hits like a slow motion mud tornado.   So, maybe play Julian on saturday, Ocean Beach on Sunday, Midway and Hard rock on either wednesday or thurs.  I am probably not going to hit the Navjo tomorrow night.  Never like that place.  Horrible sound, even though they have big stage and equipment.  Deaf rockers run it, so they are clueless when it comes to my style, or any hint of nuance.  Really clueless.  I think you have to try to be so sound dense, but I have seen it plenty.

Anyway. I am less forlorn than I was 8 hours ago.
Depression must be what that is. It is as physical as it is mental. And it is brutal.  What a stupid thing.  Life is not supposed to be that way. Life is a miraculous sort of thing, that defies logic.  Like why is there life at all?  Wild.  Little creators running around doing stuff and making mischief.
It is very confusing.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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