Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Long Way From Home

Once in awhile I tend to wonder if I've done more harm than good in the big balance of things.  In the small balance, I'm fairly certain I have, but the small balance only concerns management of my life and abilities.  Big picture includes cases in which someone's life may have been improved because I was in the right place at the right time.

Overall, you can't know for sure about things; one second sooner or later doing something could set off an unpredictable chain of events and some important person might be saved or destroyed.  You just don't know.

The best description of this is in Mark Twain's short story, the Mysterious Stranger.  It is my favorite of anything I've ever read by him.  That is probably because it gives plausibility to the idea that had I done everything right, I may have found myself in some odd circumstance of timing which led to awful consequences to others through no cognitive fault of mine--just wrong place at wrong time.

No use contemplating hypotheticals, especially if they bring sadness and regret. And it also could serve to temper the back patting one might indulge for supposed good deeds.

Even so, when I am able to call my long time friend, whom I'll call Mr X, it does bring some solace.  Mr X called me the day before my birthday, sixteen years ago, desperate to find out where I had gone some years prior to find out how to stop drinking.  He'd been told by doctors that he was going to die quick, and he'd had some very scary episodes.

I was already in another state, and times were tough.  K and her mom P had hit the road back to Miami.  I was exhausted from three years of enjoying raising the child, and trying to shield her and myself from her mother's irresponsible and odd (redneck) behavior.  My bad.  I was foolish.  But I tried.  There came a time when I had to draw the line at certain behavior.  No other choice, I guess.

I am sorry I went that road, but it was probably the sanest, most stable three years of K's life.  Maybe that is good.  I've never been the same since, though I have tried to shake it.  I left Miami too soon, but couldn't sit by and watch what public Dade county kindergarten was doing to poor little K.  Not to mention the home scene with P and her parents.  Yikes.  This is the trap for people who compulsively jump on the white horse thinking they are rescuers.  Often it is best to mind your own affairs.

Oh well.  Mr X survived, and understands my type of mentality.  It was nice to call and hear what I need to hear.  I want to smoke like crazy.  But how will that change anything for the better?  I almost did, but a little voice inside urged me to leave the store as I waited in line, and for once I listened, walking out without wasting money on nonsense and self destruction.

Here's the truth.  I'm weak, brilliant, lonely and find my pride is easily rattled if anyone notices anything except my brilliance.  I need to find more work of some kind.  I've ruled out stripper even though I can do some spiffy dance moves.  The market for me stripping is not a lucrative one.  Don't want to sell drugs, be a hit man, or work in a bar.

I do like water and air purification but don't know much about water.  It is a wide open field because I think the technology probably exists to do cheaper, better desalination but it is just not realized, even though people are messing with it here and there.  The FL Keys and Southern California should be getting their water off their coasts rather than bringing it in from other regions.  One day it will be cheaper to remove the salt.

I was astounded to discover how much of SoCal gets its water.  Crazy.  Colorado river?

Anyway.  My friend was able to catch up with another friend back then, on my birthday, and things worked out.  He's in AZ now.  And now he's able to help me get my mind in the right place when it needs fixing.

If I had not left Miami when I did, no telling where I'd be now.  If I leave here, where would I go?  A cheaper place maybe.  Or maybe to nowhere.

I was going to tell the can o pee flying story.  I sure hope it didn't land on anyone.   Wouldn't that be troubling after all these years if they nabbed me for that?

So, we have some work tomorrow.  Nice that the house manager expressed concern that someone might "scoop me up and take me away" paying me a tidy sum.   She has a higher opinion of my worth than I do sometimes.  God, get rid of this damned recurring impulse to smoke!  It just rushed over me again.

Why do some people have that misguided urge to self destruct?   Maybe lack of challenging and positive activity.   And that feeling like I'm never home.  I left Memphis in search of home, and this is closer to it, but not yet.

Home will be found when true integrity is achieved; mind body and spirit all in sync.   I had it once or twice, for a short time.   One day I'll have it again, I hope.   It seems like it is all about women, but it isn't.  That doesn't prevent me from being pretty sure when and where that situation will resolve, if it ever does.  It was so nice before leaving Miami that time when I was frequently presented with tempting requests but I was taken and always said, "no thanks.  Besides, I'd only break your heart."

Karma will kick you right where it hurts the most.   Well, this was a long post, the purpose of which was to fire me up a little so I can say I am not giving up.  Plus some people around here tend to rely on me as an elder in the world of people trying not to wake up dead under a dumpster.  Silly them.   I tell them ignorance is their friend in many ways.  Only a few understand how that applies.

I guess I could change my approach somewhat; maybe list my good deeds and not acknowledge the fog that presses in on me 99% of the time.  There are times when it is less heavy; when  I'm super enthused, or when something creates an adrenaline rush.

Anger gives a little rush but not the right kind. It makes it worse, unless it is the type that responds to perceived rejection or lack of respect by propelling me into some kind of action.  But that is rare.  No, I'm better served with blind internal zealotry and faith that I can be of some good use.

Karma put me here.  I know both sides of most of the things I experience, good and bad.  The down side of now is no mystery regarding how it came to be.  But the permanence of such unpleasantness may be mitigated by choice.  Doing the right thing usually doesn't please everyone, including me, especially at first.

Speaking of a long way from home, this proves I woke up on another planet:
Your tax dollars and something surreal at work.  WTF?  Thank you, I no longer feel like the craziest guy in the room--whoever is behind this has me beat, hands down!
This just cannot be real.  No no no.  I have a higher opinion of humanity than to think they go along with this.  

California Dreaming part 252014

You think I'm making this stuff up about California cops, particularly Highway Patrol?

A car rolled over on a major highway, locally.  The cop did not like where the firefighter parked.  He pulls him away from treating the two injured people to arrest him.  All caught on the news. It is on video.  This still makes it look pleasant, but on video the cop is being all out of control coplike.
And just because I liked it, I lifted this photo from the Free State Project---that is a New Hampshire thing, with a lot of radicals not all too different from me.  I keep toying with the idea of moving there, but it is cold, and maybe I won't.  Tough days.

One Manifesto Away from a Cabin in the Woods

That is how a stand up comedienne, whose day job is hair shop owner, described me.  I am not the unabomber. Is that how he spelled it?  Anyway, I liked the description.  The woman is funny, but for the first time ever with her, I do not care for the haircut.

That is what happens when you go in angry.  I have not been angry in a long time.  Anyone who bothers to read this stuff may not know that, but it is true.  I rarely feel that physical anger that engulfs your whole body from the inside like it could explode.  I get over it.

Lots of people pretend they never feel any of these things.  I find that there is a fine line between raging sadness looking to explode, and passion for an idea or principle.  Or just passion for anything.  I think many people are liars whether they know it or not.   I see a lot of that with hard core atheists and hard core evangelical types.  Both seem so unsure of their beliefs that they have to beat you up with them in an effort to convince themselves.

The extreme example would be those people who will behead you for saying anything they don't like about their imaginary deceased friend, pbuh.  Or even drawing a picture or cartoon of him, or for pointing out that their culture and brand of religion is mass psychosis, bless their black little hearts.

This is why I do not believe in predestination, that every move of every person is already mapped out and known in the mind of God.  I'm just not on board that it works that way.  What could be a bigger waste of time than that?   No, it's free will.  God would never have mapped out the behavior of various newsmen, Ted Kennedy, Kim Jong Un, his dad, Che, Fidel, many prosecutors and lawyers, the El Cajon branch of the CA highway patrol, etc.

Just not buying it.  Neither do I buy the substitutes people keep craving in the form of omnipotent governmental entities.  And maybe google.  Friggin google is becoming infused and enmeshed in and with all that is.  And google pretends to know your every thought, and tries to anticipate your thoughts as if they are already mapped out and it knows.

This causes me to believe that google wants you to believe that it is God, and that it knows your destiny.  I refuse to give in and cooperate, wherever resistance is still possible.

So why am I angry?   I'm angry because of my own deficiencies, and the misguided consciousness of my fellow humans which allows an authoritarian police state which baffles me to exist.  And I'm angry because I don't know what I want, and when I think I do, I don't know how to get it.  And I'm angry for caring.

Anger separates a person from others and from whatever spiritual thing there is.  You wouldn't know it since so many people who claim to be on a spiritual path seem loud and angry.  But that is why I do not follow such people or believe their sincerity.  They want to be sincere, maybe.  Their egos must be as much in control as mine.  But I do not want anyone looking to me for holiness.

I tracked down my errant friend.  Not in jail or a hospital.  I thought he ran away from home but he says he got kicked out.  I see both sides and want none of that aspect.   Girls just want money and power, and drunks just want to drink.  Can't blame God for that mess.  He drinks, she kicks him out and she takes what he provided.  A match made in heaven. Born again virgins unite. Both have their points, though it seems she's being a bit financially opportunistic as she stands on principle.  Tough one.
Sometimes a guy like that drinks for a day just to get cut loose, I think.   And she put up with it a few times in the past because of the financial security.  Security(money) trumps a nice guy every time, so I hope I never again hear some woman complain about there being no nice guys around.  They do not want them and everyone knows this---another part of the big pretense.

I wish I'd never been able to glimpse past the big pretense on so many matters.  It left me cynical and questioning the nature of life, reality and spirit.  It can't be that flat and worthless and empty.  People can't be that shallow, not even me.  Can they?
I guess so..

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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