Wednesday, November 4, 2015


How do people get out of this?  I know of no one my age who ever did.  It is a frozen panic.  The door is hitting me on my way out.

What have I done?  That is all I can think; what have I done?  I obviously did not really know what I was in for when I did it.  By why did it seem even remotely the way to do things?  I guess it was just pure anger and rebellion turned on myself.  God, am I sorry now.

They say it is never too late.  But they lie.

No Purpose

Not the best day, and not the worst.

I'm not doing very well, I don't think.  I am stunned by how I have managed to lose contact with every group of friends throughout the years.  I would move and leave it all behind.

One or two people seemed to stay in contact.  The others did not, but mostly that was my doing.  Why did I leave in the first place?  It rarely made sense.

Inability to figure out how to live life in the normal way was an anti-skill drilled into me by family.  Some was due to their own mistrust of the world, and some due to the need to destroy me to make themselves feel better.  And I went right along with it.

So, now, I am nothing.  And I do not like this.  It is frightening beyond what anyone should create for himself.   I wonder if it is too late to change in a good way.  All I want to do is move again.  I have no destination in mind, really. And I know I couldn't do it, most likely.   A lot of anger is mixed in with sadness.  Sadness may be a form of anger.  I am not sure.  It feels different but I rarely think good things about anything when sad.

What will I do?  I do think San Diego was a mistake.  If I wanted to land somewhere, I should have made it Colorado, which was my first instinct.  That or Seattle.  Not sure I can take the humidity now, but I don't think I would have gotten sick.  I always do what people push me to do, even if it is wrong.

Got to be a way to fix this

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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