Tuesday, June 22, 2010

All of a Sudden I Don't Feel Comatose

For the last month, at least, I felt progressively brain dead. Moreso than usual. Way more. It was exhausting in an odd way. This one was new. It wasn't like the traditional fog which waxes and wanes, although the symptoms of the relief when it lifted are reminiscent of the cycling syndrome of the past. I learned to ignore the highs and lows.

This time it seemed like whatever is in my brain was locked away. Just this weekend I realized I could not remember simple things like which side of the plate goes the fork? Now I know, and that sounds silly. It is just an example, but something that bothered me because it is a thing I know and can normally picture from experience. That scared me a little.

Then today my senses slowly returned. I feel almost clear. By the end of the day I realized my head was no longer filled with molasses. It is quite an extraordinary thing when relief comes, and you can't even put a label on what is being relieved. I'll bet my IQ is now back up to that of a human. For awhile there I felt that snails were outwitting me and making fun of my slow mental capacities, behind my back of course. Snails are sneaky cowards and totally lacking in compassion.

Whatever was going on, I hope that is the last of it, or at least the last of experiencing that degree of inability to connect with my brain. Maybe I have been too exposed to fumes of various varieties. I finally removed some things from my car which gave it a fumey aspect when the windows were up. There could be a correlation. I wouldn't want to think it was an actual organic malfunction.

Time, once again, to stop sniffing glue.

Relief is a recurring theme in my life. I am always thrilled when it happens, and I often am in situations which weigh me down or wear me out, then comes the salvation and relief. It is not always related to being temporarily out of touch with my normal thought process. Some of those times were rather dark. The beginning of relief is usually pretty clear cut. Getting out of that pit I was in before leaving Memphis was a huge deal. I remember the night it turned the corner and starting moving in the right direction. It took about a year to get out after that. I was in deep. That was a huge relief. A gift.

This time I don't have to become cautious due to feeling unreasonably euphoric. That last episode was something different. It may be good I don't have easy access to the medical world. I am pretty sure I'd be undergoing a zillion tests and taking pills, and not feeling better in the long run. If you ask, the medical world will do their best to fix whatever bothers you, even if you'd be better off just dealing with it without chemical, or other, intervention.

Not everyone is better off without pills and such. I am, unless something new crops up. It took doing the rounds to figure that out. A lot of years. At least I have hard evidence which proves I don't imagine these foggy periods. That is worth more than any treatment I ever had for it. I just don't like it when the slo-mo periods change their nature. Then you worry that something new is in the mix. Unless things became really serious it is best just to ride it out I think.

If most drugs were legal and you could get what you felt you need over the counter, I might use some ritalin or the like temporarily in a fog like I had. And it would harm no one. Not worth the time and trouble to mess with the industry for it. Should be legal--even cocaine, and opium. They have their place is you don't become an addict. I see no reason a doctor has more rights to decide what I buy than I do. Indirectly, it is actually the government deciding what you can choose for yourself. It would be a lot cheaper to bypass all the middle men.

So, there you have it. I would decriminalize possession of any drug by an adult. Now, being hazardous by driving or whatever is a matter for peace keepers. I doubt you'd have any more issue with blitzed fools making trouble than you do now. People fear freedom. They are convinced the Lord of the Manor knows best. Unevolved souls; they just can't let go of the feudal system. Willing slaves of the state who are convinced the rest of humanity is incapable of making their own decisions. Always a rationalization for fear of freedom. Always has something to do with the hypothetical greater good.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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