Monday, November 25, 2013

Getting Short, as we used to say

At one of my old jobs, in NC, when someone was approaching vacation they said they were getting shorter and shorter.  I guess until they disappeared.  OK.  You had to be there.

I'm looking forward to this trip.  And now I get word that Vagabond lady is due in town and may want some company.  I can't imagine that he'd want my company if she knew me well.  I'm no fun; don't drink, hate uppity restaurants, am in no way able to pay for much, oh geez, the list goes on.

I no longer hate myself for my various diversion from the norm, like being a non-carnivore who doesn't care if you hunt or eat your cat.  A long a the cat is not a friend of mine.  In that case I'd object.

What I foresee is possibly the next source of unpleasant rejection, rendered in kind and glowing praise. That does make the "get lost" pill easier to swallow.  I have avoided being available for so long I am not sure if I have the guts for the gamble any more.  Nothing beyond casual seems possible to me, yet experience shows that is not the best thing, or how my stupid mind and heart work.  I'm too something.  Whatever it is, it leads me to analyze these things with a view toward the long haul.

And that means I run away if I detect a possible end to that which never really got started or was wholly owned on my part.  But it might be a lack of goal management which landed me here.  One is supposed to eliminate expectations if one cares to be happy.  Easy to  say.  I expect to end up feeling even more isolated.  But I'll see what happens.  Need to change my viewpoint, I can see that.  About a 40% chance that I will.

Cuteness can go a long way, but only so far.  Good start.  At least the next imagined assailant to crush my heart is easy on the eyes.  The all are, actually.  All those who couldn't just tell me I know nothing and therefore need to remain under their guidance, despite my protests.  How were they to know I was malleable?

In another week I'll have been a non-drinker for 27 years.  I can screw up a dot.  How I managed to drink for any period of time, I do not know.  I'm good at many things.  Living well and drinking are not among them.

Finally. Or at least, momentarily

After experiencing all the ups and downs of dealing with ISP issues, which included violent temper tantrums and passive, bland thoughtless acceptance, I am connected, I think.  This could be a fluke.

My situation in connectivity to the inter tubular net is somewhat different than most.  You can't get any cable related service out here, and it seems that any affordable satellite option is not good or limits data to low relatively low levels.

I've been running a cellular modem of over five years, beginning shortly before I left the racially obnoxious and hostile town of Memphis.  I don't think I could ever voluntarily live in such place again. I spent a lot of time in places where the majority of people hate you if you aren't their race, and they hate you if you are of the same race but think for yourself and aren't a bitter bigot.  Everyone has their tale of injustice.  Those tales do not justify violence, proud stupidity, rape, robbery and torture which sadists who suffer from perpetual victim mentality commit, with alarming frequency, without media attention or concern from fake "civil rights" activists.

Who cares?   The dumb ass victims in our country can't seem to peel back the layers to see that the very authorities to whom they appeal for relief are the same ones that, through not doing the job right, and with honor and integrity, enabled the injustice, theft, harassment and dead end culture which just keeps on building resentment, anger, and a hatred of well thought out reason, logic, and productive behavior.   Much is built on half-truth.  Much on total fiction.  The big pretense.

Anyway, I had so many things I wanted to write when the connection was down, but didn't feel like writing in a word program so I could paste later. I think it depresses me to use the computer when I don't have the option of going online.  That is bad.  Maybe everything depresses me.  I worry about that.  When it comes in a wave and you have no idea why you can't stop the tears, you are probably screwed and should paddle out to sea and disappear.

My car is set for my trip. My household is not, yet.  My hair is turning grayer every day, except for a clump at the very front.  I don't think old bothers me so much.  I just don't like becoming that much uglier.

How am I ever going to bite my tongue when seeing family?  We've got more than one misguided obama worshipping Bolshevik in the crowd.  My brother will take the opposite side no matter what I say, and I do poorly in debate, even if I am armed with all the facts and logic is on my side.  I just fold in that circumstance.  One of the main things that sends people like my kin over to the dark side is that they assume that republicans are the opposite of democrats, and the republicans' religiosity, and goof ball approach to selling themselves drives otherwise intelligent people into democratland.

They actually believe that the democrat party is less the plaything of evil billionaires and corporate cronyism, and corruption, in general, than the republican party.  How can they be such dupes?   I don't know.  Maybe they only look as far as is convenient in conducting research.  Maybe they don't want Bill Maher to make fun of them or call them names, so they giggle with the cool kids, leaving critical thinking and investigation to the pros, like John Stewart.  A defensive posture to dodge being bullied or ridiculed.

And since people are lazy, it all works out.  You got your two teams, and people to tell you what to think on both benches.  You don't have to do anything but nod and laugh on cue.  Don't bother to verify.

So, I'm headed into a hotbed of ignorant commies.  Until such policies come back to bite them, they are all for authoritarian, state involvement in your affairs.

I won't argue.  In my family, I always lose no matter how weak the opposing points. I just kind of wither under the ridicule.  Of course when I have been proved right, any disagreements with my views on the matter in question are flatly denied; and once again I'm the idiot making it all up.

Maybe I will never come back once I get on the road.  Right now I don't care if I do or not.  I'm angry and seething.  A slow, self destructive boil.  I'm in a solitary kind of life and I'm not sure I can change it.   Things that get in the way, I won't change. Not going to drink.  Can't convert to carnivorism.  Nothing worse than dealing with drunks.  Well, maybe dealing with me is worse.   Apparently.

I'm so angry.  If you think I am not mad at you then you were never close to me in that way.  I'm mad all the way back to the beginning of time.  Why?  Because I offered too much respect, demanded too little, and believed the lies and the liars--almost everyone.

That's it.  I'm an angry nobody, heading south to see various friends and my goddam red guard. little red book carrying, koolaid drinking, bolshevik relatives.   Maybe they just do that because it is cool.  Few of them were automatically cool, like me.  Just born that way, so I don't share their fears of not being cool. I don't care.

======online or no, the s still tends not to register so the above may have many errors which I missed.  I'm angry and not in the mod to read it.  Other letters, too, tend to get lost.  Keyboard has about had it.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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