Friday, March 19, 2010

Amazing Lapses of Judgement

Lately, the hauntings have returned. Woes over the ones, and opportunities, that got away. Then I was wondering what was behind all the misguided turns in the road, and the freeze that stills my mind and body when it is time to take positive action.

I'm still uncertain. The freeze is habit, most likely; conditioning that cut so deep that I react the same as when a gun was to my head, even though it is no longer there. Hasn't been for almost the last 2/3 of my life. That gun was one that forced inaction.

Some of the tale can't be told because it would sound stupid and present an unfavorable indictment of relatives, alive and not, who had and have their own demons, albeit in much better wrapping than mine. I think I must have done something already that pissed them off. I wasn't even invited to, or sent an announcement of the last wedding in my family. I accidentally found out the deed had been done, online. The worst thing is that, without understanding what is going on, I assume that I must have inadvertently committed some error, and I feel guilty even though I'm ignorant of what it was I did. I've done so many stupid things. Who knows which included witnesses.

In my defense, I have concluded that although I understand right, wrong, and some aspects of reality, I do not quite grasp some things social. Much of civilized life baffles me. As a result, I have been known to assume that people all think and act a particular way, even though it makes no sense, then in an effort to join em if you can't beat em, I suspend reason and do what I perceive is the way it is done, then I suffer because my initial sense of reality was correct despite the appearance that society sees it otherwise. Boy do I suffer from those times when I exercised that kind of bad judgement.

Those times of absurdity have become much less frequent, but you never know. Over the years there was usually a woman who figured prominently in my foibles. I've become far lonelier and less easy, but find I make fewer errors in judgement which anyone would notice. My main errors now are mostly related to that freeze up syndrome. Then the panic of knowing I am a waste washes over me, and I know I don't have to be. There may be a better way. Or else this is the best I'll ever do or be; the zenith of my so-called life.

That's right, I have succumbed to self-pity. It will change. Most things do. Even as we speak I am slightly less concerned about it.

It beats being a well meaning doctor in a John Edwards style lawsuit. Imagine building an honest career and practice, then having all you own and the reputation you built destroyed by some sleezeball in court using junk science, playing on the class envy and ignorance of a jury. I guess this current state of personal angst is less than trivial by comparison.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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