Thursday, August 2, 2012

We Fight It With Popcorn

A graph of my condition would look much like a sine wave. Up we go, and back to neutral, then down we go then back up to neutral, and on and on. The good thing is that the period of the cycle is much longer these days, and the curve is a much shallower one.

I think that one day, before I die, it will be as shallow as the rhythms of people who are in the healthier range. I would say , "normal", but I am not so sure that healthy and normal are synonymous.

The disturbing part about the crest of the negative loop of the curve is that it finds me in a state where doing anything but reading, writing, or driving makes me almost unbearably sad. I know it is not real, and I constantly try to avoid acknowledging the feeling. Sometimes being in touch with feelings is not a good thing, not healthy, and certainly no fun. A lot of the stuff that is out there on the subject is pure bunk.

I'm able to get to work as needed, but it is like trying to chop wood in a tank of mud ten feet deep. If you've ever chopped wood in such a setting, you know the feeling. It doesn't even have to be thick mud for it to be quite a nuisance.

This is the main reason I've let the ones get away who got away. Even though the down side of the curve brings on feelings of loneliness, being around friends or anyone makes it worse. It is too much strain to carry on face to face conversations.

So, I soothe the want-to-crawl-out-of-skin fits with diversions like watching shows or movies on HULU, reading whatever, or driving to the water machine to fill up the water bottles.

All the while during this, I try to find a way to trick myself into doing something worthwhile, like get packed and on the road for this trip. Again I am writing way ahead of when it will show up.

One day I hope to find more ways to compensate so I won't feel guilty when a swell woman shows interest. In the past there has been a strong force whose motto was, "I like her too much to let her be saddled with this", pointing to myself. And invariably I forfeited something I valued through pure neglect. I'm not sure I did the wrong thing, but maybe I did.

Many women are highly attracted to trouble and the impossible, so they do sometimes seem interested. Not as many as those who seek money and power, but they are out there. Women love power whether anyone admits it or not. And power can be found in many forms. But the need is set in nature. It is not bad. Men need nurture and some kind of reinforcement.

We pretend nature is not real, but it is. So are the blues.

When the downer thing seems like it is beginning to get too far out of control, my solution is to make a big bowl of popcorn, like I did a minute ago. It's a good weapon against full tilt bonkers blues lunacy. Eat popcorn and say to myself, "It is going to be OK. It is OK".

Catching things before they go too far is essential. I've been over that edge, down in the pit, and when I see it coming, I bring out the popcorn and any other weapon I can dream up. No way I'm going back to that. I pity people who have this and drink a lot because alcohol only fuels depression in the long run. Besides it is a highly potent gateway drug which is often involved when people have sex with people or items that are inappropriate and disgusting. Alcohol is way more of a gateway drug than pot. Amazing the misinformation on that subject. Some people do well with it. Not talking about them.

I know there are others who have similar struggle, but I haven't met many. I do know it is not one of those "we all feel that way sometimes" issues. Like many things which are extreme, it can probably be used to advantage. In my case the manic is rarely very energetic. Mostly it is about up to normal motivation and energy level. Well, maybe once I get rolling it goes beyond that.

Now I feel a little better. I'll have to get out of here soon. Like tomorrow which will be some yesterdays by the time this is up.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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