Friday, December 20, 2013

Non Productive Lives

A family member's comments in a discussion indicated the belief that if one hasn't built a long lasting career, achieved financial success, snagged a spouse and had children, that this represents a non productive life.  That is probably accurate, I guess.  But it makes me feel like wasted space on the planet.

Plus, I am not sure I buy that definition.  Plenty of murdering politicians, gangsters, and other creeps have all the trappings of family life and material worth.  Many are even talented in various ways, have intelligent hobbies, etc.  It still stings.

It is one of the reasons I left Florida and moved far away from my family--I found myself pointing a loaded rifle between my eyes way too many times after various interactions with them. (winchester 3030 saddle model) Why, I am not sure. It seemed the only decision that would ensure never having to feel the criticism, disapproval, or unwarranted advice which reeked of disrespect.  Amazing how quickly that feeling, that internal reaction can still be triggered.  Only now I know to ignore it.  It does make me sad, even though no one means such harm, I don't think.

But it may be that I'll never be out of the woods on that.  Maybe not having that lurking thing that makes me want to give up, totally, is my only real goal.  At least when I care enough to have a goal.

Few people want to be a waste of life and space.  It is hard to resign one's self to the idea of being useless and leaving no positive mark on the world.  At least it is for me.  That is why I find the idea of living off of some government thing like social security somewhat abhorrent.  Though I don't fault other who do.  They probably paid more in than I did.

It is a confusing life and family muddies the view of it even more.  They do not mean to do it, in my case.  Things that may seem mean are not intended.  Not everyone has insight enough to see these things.  I actually think I do at this point in life, which is why I'm doing better about not reacting.  They may be able to win in civilization and thrive in a police state, but I have better empathy with both the "productive" and the "non productive".  Maybe empathy is the wrong word.  Insight, possibly.

That's the stuff that makes a person want to smoke and use drugs.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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