Sunday, June 28, 2009

Things That Cross A Vagabond's Mind

For one thing, I have come to realize that I've been a vagabond in more than just the sense of moving here to there with ties either cut, forgotten or never formed. Odd, since that is probably the last thing I would have done, if I were me. I was raised and brainwashed to believe leaving is what you do, and that personal affection, and sentimentality are irrelevant. That is not my nature although you might never know it. People are made to form bonds. The world as we know it tends to stifle human nature to the point that it takes getting out of Dodge to feel any personal freedom. That's another thing people are designed to do, be free.

Herd instinct, tribal loyalty, illusory security, and things like that tend to be forces which engender inner conflict when it comes to individual freedom. That's why faulty logic is so easily used to promote restrictions and practices which actually penalize people for their intrinsic nature. Often, as we see more and more, people sign away their autonomy and rights willingly. If you have had experience trying to conform but just can't make yourself fit the prescribed mold, all the encroachments scare the hell out of you. Without ever doing anything morally off base or wrong, you can end up in hot water; just because you don't understand the set up. If you just don't fit, the only thing that is scarier than loneliness is authority.

I was remembering some incidents that happened when I was 19. In one sense I really was a jerk, as some others concluded. At the same time there was some misunderstanding and people who decided the haughty self righteousness of interfering in the business of others took precedence over the free will of their "friend". I was not really the only jerk. Just a guy who didn't know better. Either way, the whole thing was no good.

The event is not the crux of the matter so much. It is the realization of how lacking I was in certain aspects of my interpretation of the motives and actions of others. I'm glad that some of that has changed.

I had to be a social vagrant in order to come full circle. That's the sort of thing that crosses your mind if you are me. Probably some sort of effort to forgive myself for being here now, as I am, and for my many shortcomings. Acceptance is most likely a prerequisite for moving on in a healthy manner. That forgive yourself part can get a little weird I think. I'm not sure I did anything all that bad. Maybe hurt some feelings, but had there not been the busy bodies buzzing about, who knows? Two lives may have turned out drastically different. Mine sure may have. You never know though. Is normal good influence likely to overcome the influence of mescaline? Those were some screwed up times.

OK. These are screwed up times, but I'm not fooled by them now. My own world is a better place. Time goes much faster though.

From now on. That is all that's worth considering with any seriousness. If the past was flawed, then make different mistakes in the future. No need to repeat history.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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