Saturday, November 30, 2013

Compulsively Alone, I guess

So, Vagabond lady and super cool daughter (age 21) wanted to come see me play.  I explained that I'm not getting paid and don't know what I'm going do, whether I'll play with anyone and if so, with whom, etc.  They wanted to come anyway.

There is a regular gathering at a place which has the idea that a combination of Greek and Mexican cuisines is a good idea.  I don't even eat most things on the menu, but I can tell you it is something that triggers in me an uncharacteristic gratitude that I neither eat meat nor fish nor lamb nor fowl.

A good room for playing though.  

They showed up.  It looked like I wasn't going to play for quite some time.  Eventually they took off to go see a movie.  I was more comfortable after they took off.  I've learned that it i easier not to ask anyone to come see me play, especially when I don't know what I'm going to play.  If I am ever with a really good group, playing a really good venue, and I know and love the music, maybe then I'd invite people. 

Outside of those parameters I've never seen it work out.  It is always stressful and disappointing.  I ended up on one good song.  Amos did a good job on St James Infirmary.  A minor, so I was in my safe zone.  And the structure of the tune makes sense.  Some of the stuff people like to do makes no sense to me, but I have narrow taste.  Many tried and true tunes do nothing for me, yet many guitar players and others love the songs.

What scares me is that I have no idea how to behave in most situations involving Vagabond Lady.  I doubt it will end well.  Or maybe I am dooming it from the get go because I'd rather go straight to that lost feeling rejection can bring, without enduring the shock that comes with crushed dreams and dashed hope.

I had no idea my neglect of all had left me in such a state of social dysfunction.  Do I go to the effort of trying to change things, or go back to searching out the edge of the earth so I can drive over never to be found?  Either one sounds like more work than I want to do.  Probably better to brave it through the awkward social trials and face inevitable heart shredding as a test of courage and character.

Years ago, when I would cry, "leave me alone!", my mother cautioned me that I should be careful because I may get what I ask for.  She was way too right on that one.   I'm tired of trying to bend to fit where I wish I could.  It never works, and who could possibly fit with me in any natural, non stressful way?   I know. I can't think of anyone, either.

Vagabond lady is really trying to make an effort, I think.  I am just not sure how to handle it.  I don't have the money to take control of things and be a hotshot.  Supposedly that isn't required but I think it is.  

Documenting for ?

It has come to my attention that no matter where you go, someone is going to be putting it up on facebook.  I do not want every visit to anywhere to be documented.  I end up having to explain, in certain cases, "yes, I worked in the morning and got a call to stop by house X where they were playing music"  because the person was thinking I said I was working but there he is on some lunatic's facebook page not working.

Really, is it necessary or desirable to document every moment and put it online?  I think not in both cases.  We have a culture in which people follow themselves around like paparazzi.  They are their own stalkers, posting pictures of every move they make.  People stalking themselves for photo ops then putting it on facebook.  I'm wondering if self-cyber bullying will be the next phase.

Maybe if I quit showing up, I can avoid the shock of seeing images of myself which I'd rather not have posted.  It's just a by-product, collateral damage, of the auto-paparazzi syndrome.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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