Monday, March 8, 2010

Disapproving Phantoms

Writing here offers me a measuring device to monitor how much I concern myself with opinions (mostly hypothetical) of others, and how much I assume my thoughts and rants would meet with disapproval (also hypothetical, mostly) of friends and acquaintances. The less I write, the more I am assuming people would roll their eyes and scoff. Since I am already isolated enough, I don't risk what I see as my very fragile connection to humanity. They would be idiots to scoff, but most people have their idiotic moments. I know I do, and believe I also have lucid enough moments when I can discern the idiocy of others. I'm just a little less condemning in some ways.

Or I think I am.

Most people are snobs, whether they know it or not. The disdain of "the rich" and disgust at one who has never had to skip a meal for economic reasons, be rejected from a stupid job, etc. is a face of snobbery in itself. Of course there is the usual kind which is based on money, education, esoteric knowledge of secret fads known only to the very chic. Then there is a very peculiar sort of snobbery which is somewhat double jointed. That is the sort of money which eschews the gaucheness of new money, and at the same time abhors the injustices and arrogance of old money, all the while enjoying the society and wealth of each.

Usually, I think that sort of snobbery comes from employed insiders, writers, artists and the like, who enjoy the benefits of rubbing shoulders and being friends with the rich and powerful, but somehow feel guilty for it. Often they come from such money themselves, then grow to believe their subsidized lifestyle, impossible from the noble guilt vocation they've chosen, is a grudging entitlement. They become smugly superior. I've seen it and I've read it. Snobs, snubbing snobs.

I bet I do it too, but can't quite find the self honesty to admit to myself or others where my snobbery falls. It could be that some people see it. I know I have less of that than I once did. I'm not sure that is good. Maybe if I had more pride, false or otherwise, I'd have more of everything else.

It must be a sort of inverse snobbery that I would dread being the brunt of such things in certain venues. Probably less sensitive in many situations. Still the areas it touches are not very beneficial. It would be great to outgrow destructive snobbery and grow into pleasant, entertaining, beneficial snobbery. The kind the guys at the Club enjoy. Very confusing.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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