Friday, November 27, 2009

Peace and Grudges

Most likely it is a result of holiday magic.   Whatever the cause my mind runs back in time forward in time and everything in between, looking at things from varied perspectives. 

This was a good day and I can't relate for what I'm thankful because it gets too mushy and complicated.   You just have to keep some things this side of the edge or you fall apart.

Then I started thinking about some of my past lives, and there have been many just in this overall lifetime.   All of a sudden I realized I was not the cause of every situation that did not go well.   It hurt me then and it hurts me now, but I was mentally saying, "WTF did you expect?" to various people.   Really, until now I just assumed all was because I was or am screwed up beyond help.  That may be true, but what is also true is that people should not say they dislike this and that, then get upset because you don't provide this or that.  In some cases I guess certain individuals just didn't like this or that if I was involved.  Time proved that to be a lie if I take the original declarations literally, which I did.

It may be confusing no matter who you are.  I don't know how to pretend it isn't as well as a lot of people, or else it is less confusing to them.   Another of the reasons that I keep a substantial buffer in place between me and everyone.   Confusion when it comes to others, no matter how nice, is the main reason.  It works as a compensating mechanism, and life is all about compensating for one thing or another.   Like wearing glasses to correct astigmatism.   

You hear things often about how everyone has this feeling or that difficulty, but I think it is like eyesight.    Not everyone sees so well.  Depends on the item whether some corrective compensation device is needed.  To say everyone has to do that in some way is as unproven as saying no one does.  How do I know?

All I know is that in a moment of clarity I realized there are people who are at least as crazy as I am.   The difference is either awareness or ability to own up.  

I wonder what it is like to want stuff so badly that I would camp out on a sidewalk all night waiting for a store to open so I could give them my money.   I'm glad it isn't necessary to wait like that and vie for position just to purchase necessary items.  Yet. 

It is only healthy for one to briefly dwell on such things as the troubling parts of the past.  Accept the truth, and then let it go.   Maybe it is slightly sad and maybe it helps free a person to deal with tomorrow.  Whatever the deal it is a little scary.  It certainly makes risk look far less attractive.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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