Wednesday, December 4, 2013

One More week, give or take a few days

It is probably advisable to look at a map to see how long my trip to the Conch Republic will take,    I plan to spend only a day at any stop along the way so I can arrive at a suitable time in the Keys.

There is something very lonely about how this whole thing feels.  But I read a quote recently, probably in a John Irving novel: "I've always been lonely. It's the self hatred that is tough to deal with"--or words to that effect.

I'm not so sure I'd class my condition as self hatred.  On occasion, self loathing, but mostly just self constriction I think.

Speaking of John Irving, I love most of his writing, but when he gets political it is as if he half heartedly throws in typical Hollywood-type slurs and such which lack full context and tend to be half truths.  Fortunately, as of yet I haven't seen him promote the marxist foolishness that many wealthy entertainers pretend to embrace, while doing their best to eke out all the privilege and special treatment they can grab, as well as all the luxuries and toys that money can buy.   Actual people in Congress who praise China's ruling system and Castro's "glorious revolution", are also known to be equally hypocritical in that same greedy way.

Maybe if I can organize enough to be ready for blast off, I can actually plan an itinerary and somehow that will make me feel less of an outsider wandering around without even enjoying what I'm doing.

Number one priority is to not let go and slip over the edge.  Many a nutcase chose, at some point in time, to just give in to the madness; they gave up.  This is what someone I knew many years ago told me; and he was in the counseling field with many more successes under his belt than any other shrink I've ever known or heard about.

I keep that in mind because I believe one is capable of directing his own thoughts, and how he reacts to various stimuli.  It is only difficult because there are belief systems and thought patterns which have carved out well travelled paths in the mind.  Accepting that the familiar pattens are based on erroneous information and are destructive is tougher than it should be.  That is because much of the mind clutter and conclusions that go with it operate automatically and trigger debilitating emotions, or emotions which deter one from seeking and achieving desirable goals.

Who wants to admit his or her beliefs may not be right or even sane?  Not I.  However, I try to acknowledge the truth of things when I see it, even if it debunks long held views.  Not an easy task, but that is what I expect from others so I have to try.

Now, what do six month old baby girls like?  I have to get them something.  Then there is the 3 year old girl.  I have never seen any dolls I like, so that is out.  I have already bought them all warm soft boots at one time or another.  I noticed that one of the six month babies always has those boots on in the many pictures and videos her mom posts on facebook.  Haven't seen what is up with the other one, and that one is the only one, besides me, in this clan that doesn't have dark hair and dark eyes.  Well, the only one that shares my bloodline.  Her mom is a blue eyed, blondish lady.

Slingshots are probably as inappropriate as BB guns in this situation.  I figure they have been born into a world of electronics and virtual everything.  I'd prefer to avoid anything digital unless it is non-electronic, like an abacus.   Maybe hammers all around.  Or hats, though I have never been fond of wearing a hat for more than an hour myself.  OK, except one of those kind that you wear when it is cold--the knit things you pull over your head and, sometimes, face.

Parents prefer it if you don't give young children things that make a lot of obnoxious noise, so I will possibly avoid that.   They are too young to accept the gift of sage advice.  Besides, lately I feel like the older I get, the less wisdom I have to offer.  They have all the guidance they need, and from much more credible sources.  When it comes time to instigate rebellion, I am probably the best man for the job in this family.

Not sure how things stand with V. lady.  Saw her yesterday but always feel like she is uninterested in anything I have to say or think, or do.  You cannot demand admiration or respect.  You cannot make a person know you aren't a moron by telling her you are brilliant.  That is not how it works.  The whole thing rattles me a bit.  And I honestly don't get it at all.  Why even show interest in me if you have no interest?

It is probably unintentional on her part, and most likely some kind of defense mechanism,  like my own such mechanisms.  Allowing these seemingly involuntary, faux-protective devices to dictate your behavior can ensure a solitary life.  It runs off those who prefer a deeper level of intimacy than the most light and shallow of small talk.

This is why I would not be able to handle someone just like me--I wouldn't understand the person at all, and may even find such a personality aloof and offensive.

I'm tempted to say that I think we all feel this is not going to end well.  What "this" is, I believe is best not defined.   I like happy endings.  The other kind of ending is not fulfilling, and no fun.  Those things aren't always controllable, and it can happen that a bad ending is had in order to avoid a worse one.


Peaks and Valleys

In San Diego county we have what they call micro-climate.  It took me awhile to get it when action weather "on your side" would cheerfully announce the "micro-climate forecast".  Maybe they do that everywhere and I missed it.

What I know doesn't exist everywhere is different weather and a variance of 10 degrees five or ten miles from a given spot.  It must be because of all the randomly aligned ridges and peaks.  I guess it can be called mountains.  But 6000 feet is about as high as they get around here.  I'm at 3000 feet, and if all is well, the coast bottoms out at sea level.

The result of all this micro climate is that I am often in the clouds, and the rain creates a very distinct ambiance, when we are lucky enough to have it.  When it rains in some places, the mood of things i not that much different.  Here, it is as if someone cut the heat, cranked up the humidifiers full blast, and dimmed the lights low.  And on days like today, they put the fans up a notch; just so you can't get away with dodging the rain by being skinny.  The mist is blown all over you.

If you aren't sure it is raining, just check the highways.  People like to drive very close to the car in front of them when it rains--closer than normal, which is plenty close.  And they speed up.  Accidents everywhere.  But I usually know when it is raining without having to seek the confirmation offered by highway surveillance.

I'm pretty sure the whole deal is a metaphor for the life of a yoyo type personality.  All the ups and downs can take a bit of energy, reducing gas milage,  but they cause interesting phenomena which is sometimes pleasant and desirable.   Although on a bad day they also seem to encourage rapid moving wildfires which ruin everyone's day.  Metaphor schmetaphor, I say.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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