Tiger and Me(sic):a heartfelt confession

Dear TMZ, People, The Today Show, Good Morning, Letterman, and anyone else who will further my windfall of fame and fortune,

It grieves me deeply that I feel compelled to come forward to say that I am the true skeleton in the well appointed closet of Tiger Woods. Yes, it is true, we have conducted a secret and torrid affair for many years. He promised to eventually leave his wife for me if I would agree to breast implants. My religion forbids it. I'm not one to sacrifice my integrity or the bond of confidence for personal gain.

If you'd like to know more details, please contact my lawyer (abgado), Manny De La Copa, in Miami. You may have seen his ads on TV, he's "your abogado in a cup!". I don't get it either, but that's Manny. You'll like him, he always honors the highest bidder, although we resist any long term agreement involving exclusivity. I'm sure you understand.

I will say my days, and nights, with Mr. Tiger were like none I've ever known, and involved some interesting putting practice, as well as our own special little games we dubbed "a hole in one" and, my favorite, "pin the tail on the Tiger".

Why I am just now coming forward after all these years is because I feel it is the public's right to know, and even our president often stresses the need for personal sacrifice in promotion of the greater good. It is my duty as a loyal American to no longer deprive the people of the interesting and often peculiar details of my most intimate moments with the Mr. Woods. Not to mention my potential as a centerfold and pop celebrity. I would be remiss in my obligation as a citizen if I did not make these sacrifices so America could follow me around with cameras and microphones and discuss me publicly.

Since my affair lasted much longer than those cheap hussies, now seeking publicity, I'm sure you will alter your focus from them to me. I'm the real deal. You'll soon see, provided you meet the terms set out by Manny, that Tiger's heart is mine.

Thank you.

I look forward to a mutually lucrative relationship.

Sincerely,

Juan O Ballistic

PS: I hereby claim dibs on copyright for new commercials themed "I Am Tiger Woods*" ...*secret lover

golf video