Sunday, December 5, 2010

Memories Suck

Whether it is an organic defect or a phenomenon of internal chemistry, or simply bad character, I am not sure, but when I look at certain people from the past and their lives, I get sick inside. Not that they are sickening, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know what happened, while their lives seem to add up and my doesn't.

I doubt I can make a difference from now on. Maybe it is possible and maybe not. At times, like at this minute, it is quite a painful thing to consider. Part of me wants to unleash any and all ability I have on some endeavor that amounts to something so I can say to Them, "Screw you. You were wrong. You couldn't kill my spirit. Screw you all.".

That is a childish fit, I know. The worst of it is I cannot conceive of any worthwhile ability or endeavor that would redeem me. This is the way the battle rages. The best that could happen is that one day I am able to save someone worthy by falling on a grenade. Then they'd say I died nobly. As it is I have fallen on many a figurative grenade without actually saving anyone. That can scare the piss out of you at a certain point in life.

It is all pride and ego. I may as well accept it. I've gone from allegedly promising to kind of stupid, lacking status or import. It had to have been my choice. Today I am a mediocre, at best, handy man. And not even full time at that. I forgot what it was I was good at. It seems my lack of skill in understanding the ways of civilization and the corrupt aspect of capitalism* did not work well for me. By corrupt aspect, I mean the usual office politics and willingness to take credit for the work and inspiration of others. That is a quality in more people than not, if you don't actively defend against it, but I assumed it was a rarity. Then I would react in the most idiotic of ways. Not their fault. I got glitches. Just certain non sequitur mental and emotional reactions which screw things up, especially if I pretend the don't exist.

[*please note, I consider pure capitalism the only natural, holy, right and fair model of human transaction. I'm referring the the bastardization of it. ]

Too many hard blows to the head, I suspect. Must have been knocked out one too many times, long ago. Maybe it was one of the times I collided with a concrete floor or a tree limb.

Remind me not to search names of long ago nemesis types. Or even casual acquaintances.

Quote of the day, re Capitalism: History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for political freedom. Clearly it is not a sufficient condition. Milton Friedman.

I would add that you have to have economic freedom to have personal freedom and political freedom encompasses both. I'd further suggest that it is a crime against nature to deny a person any of these freedoms. That is, if you believe everyone is born with the right to make his own choices and own his own life. Obviously, many in the world do not accept or revere that premise.


  1. just ask yourself if you are happy or satisfied with the way things are? would you REALLY have wanted a different life then the one you have? I honestly can't see you in a 9-5 desk job. ;-)

  2. Hey Juan! Don't search names of long ago nemesis types.

    You're welcome.

  3. We all see freedom as a truly subjective thing. I certainly love my little freedoms...

  4. Sometimes I feel this way too, John.........*some* of my memories suck....others are lessons, and yet others are good ones. Some memories make me happy and some make me sad.
    Christmas is a rough time for me, being away from family ( the real ones) and being that for alot.
    You take care ~

  5. freedmlvr says:

    Being a craftsman as you are is an honorable occupation---especially one who does such a top-notch job! :)


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