Friday, April 1, 2011


Habits and ruts are tough to change, even when you know if the status quo is allowed to prevail, an unhappy demise is imminent. This is probably due to some conflicting organic survival imperative; something hardwired in the human being.

Probably the design assumption is that if a thing has not killed you yet, it must be a good habit which helps the organism survive. So, all the inner workings tend to want to keep things as they are. There must be some circuit which operates on the assumption that people do not voluntarily do the stupid.

Well, that is a flawed design. Once the stupid becomes accepted as OK, people will do the stupid. Maybe that is overlapped with the herd instinct, and tendency to follow the leader. Binge drinking with those funnels and buckets would be an example. Not too sure how all that paraphernalia operates, but it looks like a bad plan. Then again, maybe it is enough to turn many of the participants off to overdoing it in the future. hell if I know. The point is that few would do it if it weren't for that follow the leader, please like me, instinct. The social factor.

Unfortunately, humans, at least ones like me, do not have idiot proof programming. The basic stuff of life and survival is there, but it is easily bypassed and distorted. And once it gets a little off for a period of time, it tends to go way off.

I have got to change this way I am doing things. I can see what is needed, but find it almost impossible to do. One thought is that, if I can manage to change this setup, it will be a remarkable example for anyone else in my particular circumstances who may believe it is too late to try. I wish I knew of someone who was in my stage of life and situation who finally got the fire going. That might help.

But screw it. I believe that a person writes his own script for the most part. You can't always control the set and all that, but you do have a say in how you use it and react to it.

Two things I do not want: I do not want to die with a bunch of junk and mess for others to deal with, and I don't want to cash in the chips looking like a lifelong moron. I'd like to leave at least one valued work or trinket or remembered influence. If I drop today, my landlord would be pissed that the place is packed with chaos and mess, and I have no idea what or who in the way of life insurance. I think I have some, but forgot who gets it, or even who gets whatever else. That would be a dirty trick. The LAW never makes it easy on family left to its own devices.

I'll attempt to outlive everyone so none of that is an issue. In the mean time, the lifelong struggle to believe it is OK to succeed and to enjoy life and to change my destructive ways continues. You'd never believe the supposed potential. I've been a misfit since I was four years old. I am not sure if that was due to nature or environment. I tend to think environment, too many blows to the head, too many betrayals and a far to naive nature. So, a combination of internal and external factors.

None of that matters. If one can identify the problem, know it should be corrected, then he has what he needs to take measures to improve the situation. The whys and hows of it becoming a problem are irrelevant. Compensate and conquer. I wonder why that is so hard to do? It is the part about being willing to do it that is the toughest. What I see in front of me is not that damned hard. Maybe it is because at some point I risk failure, and risk confirming that deeply held notion that I really am a nincompoop, which freezes me in my tracks.

Then again, it may be a sign of brilliance that I see my lack of it.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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