Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Abstract Introspective Apologia Critique

Initially, I was pondering the course of events with an eye toward defining what permitted others to overcome what I apparently could not. Much of it was in the vein of the rich man/ poor man, good son/ bad son scenario. That proved somewhat fruitless, as I realized there are innate, organic factors which separate those who thrive from those who perish, regardless of external circumstances.

Naivete may be one such factor. I always assumed everyone was honest and knew of what they spoke. Those close to me who overcame many shared obstacles were never under such an illusion. They assumed that most of those around us were idiots or small minded schemers, and rightly so. The disparity between what they reasoned as true and what was put forth only strengthened their resolve. It served to cause me to believe my ability to reason and use logic must be greatly flawed.

As a result, much effort was aimed at somehow aligning my conclusions and attitudes with those which appeared to be well accepted by my peers. That was disastrous. Much like those who suddenly find themselves in new business positions and proceed according to what they think is the norm. They prove to be tyrants when in power because they really don't get it.

All that failed effort toward rectifying conflicting values led to purely angry resignation, and some edgy activities. Needless to say such a mindset does not lead to constructive outcomes.

For a minute there, I wanted to post an open letter apologizing to those I think I let down. Those whom I perceive as being less than proud to include me in their family tree. Then I think I would not have such a view, positions reversed, but how can one really be sure? If not for the extreme pain and desperation experienced, would I have the same compassion and insight that I have now toward those who fall off the edge of the normal life path? Doubtful.

So, no open letter explaining how terrible I feel for being a let down and disappointment. And no letter vowing to make from now on a better more constructive process. The wish to change everything and the actual doing are worlds away, and that gap is not so easily bridged.

I cringe any time I hear a person expressing their disgust with a wayward brother or relative who seems to flounder about in unhappy chaos rather than thrive; who seems unable to make good use of the special consideration and generosity of well wishers. That is frightening close to who I am, and have been since the age of 12 or 13. In my defense, I was not always in the position of authority over those choices. Some of the glaring cases of turning my back on opportunity were due to family restrictions forbidding such things.

But later cases were merely my own autopilot at work, continuing such ignorant negation, as if an internal guidance system felt an insane loyalty to the powers that used to be. Good thing I was sedated through most of that so my mind did not explode from the internal conflict. That conflict is still with me but less intense now, so sedation would be a waste. That had its own consequence and too many lines were crossed to ever risk smoothing the edges with alcohol or opiates again. I do not rule out being a pothead. But for now, forget it.

I wish I'd done like the head of the physics dept and head of math department at one or more institutions suggested, and taken it seriously, gone on to grad school, then made it through the doctorate level and become a secluded academician or mad scientist. Trouble is, even then the thought of having to rely on government money turned my stomach. Still, it would have been a good thing to do. Maybe I was constitutionally incapable of such discipline. There are some places in private industry for physics people. Mostly the government partnership with corporations has killed that. They sold out so that government has the corner on research and such.

Besides I really dislike most so-called scientists because they seem to fear truth, and are more concerned with everyone thinking they are superior. I've known plenty of them. A rather arrogant closed minded bunch, especially those who are strictly paid from government coffers.

But that is all external. Maybe the internal landscape is just too worrisome to explore at this point. It always has been, in reality.

It leaves me continually feeling secretly apologetic to life, in general, for my lack of effort and accomplishment. Never, or rarely, proud of my existence and life. This is beginning to interfere with enjoying life and looking forward to waking up.

Beginning to? Well, it comes and goes and is actually an old emotion, not something that is just now beginning to cause annoyance.

Vegetable juice may be the only answer; throw every green thing they sell and all other colors of plant life into the Jack Lalanne
power juicer and consume in large quantity. It usually improves energy and mood. But it requires buying groceries and keeping up with it. I suppose most people find they have to buy groceries from time to time. The very basics are what throw me the most. Dammit.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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