Friday, January 21, 2011

Being From Narnia Is No Excuse

So, I have a running email battle with a web hosting outfit called ipower, or ipowerweb, not totally sure. They are kind of funny because you can send an email suggesting that they are criminals who eat babies and mate with their housepets, and they will come back with a message like, "Thank you for your interest in ipower. Your account is past due. We must confirm your identity to stop the automatic renewal of this account. Either we need the card used to open it, or we need you send us a copy of photo ID"

I wish I had kept those joke Elvis driver's licenses I had in Memphis. They sell them everywhere.

This account was done when I moved from Memphis. I never signed up for a revolving renewal program. The main thing saving me is whatever card I used is not longer functioning. Fortunately it was gone by the time I arrived out here, although I found out then how tough it is to kill a paid up credit card. I felt like a mouse in one of those sticky traps--the more I tried to shake them the more they wanted to stick to me.

I think it must be the same outsourced customer care people doing the ipower stuff as did the credit card. I'd be on the phone with the CC people, explaining, no, I don't want it, don't use it, I cut it to shreds. I had mailed them things to that affect as well.

Alice or Sally would then empathize, "Yes yes, I know what you mean. So. Mr. Ballistic, since you are such a good and valued customer, we are offering for a limited time and very good life life insurance program. It will cost you nothing for the first thirty days. Can I sign you up?"

No no no. Then I would try to go through the whole thing again, explaining that I am not a good customer. I am not a customer. I guess the easy thing would have been to get the insurance and die in 29 days. Good luck collecting that, my hapless heirs.

So this powerweb bunch has been sending me emails telling me I owe 250.58, or something close, and that it is past due. I did pay the site up a couple of years, and left it for the band to use and abuse. But 250 would have paid for about 8 years of it I think.

Anyway, then I either forgot my password or just couldn't get in. The site would say it was sending the link, etc to my email but doesn't do it.

I think G1 was supposed to be able to get in but couldn't. No telling. I have no idea what he did or did not do.

Seems he thought it had been hacked by the one who wanted him to suffer for eternity, along with anyone else who got in the way, and so he abandoned it. He couldn't get in and neither could I. It has been so long, I don't remember every detail. I was on the road when he was messing with it.

I believe it was somehow hacked by the angel of death who would do anything to create havoc. I know she managed to screw up his emails so most likely she got in from that. Maybe she runs the customer service call center.

I believe we made it clear to that outfit long ago that he was now the administrator. Whatever happened, asking me two or three years later for photo ID and two hundred fifty dollars is pushing it. Like they will get anything. Maybe I should refer them to my Nigerian friends.

No matter what I say in the emails, it doesn't matter. You know why? Indira doesn't know enough English to get my drift.
I can tell her to do impossibly athletic, sick, and strange sexual acts with her goat, and she will answer, "Yes, we wish to help you resolve this but you have not sent picture ID"

Lady I just told you to do the steamrolling Hoover, flipback orb swallow on your goat! Have you no shame!!

"Yes, Mr Ballistic, I understand, however our policy requires either the credit card or identification to stop the automatic renewal of the account, or for us to give you the password."

How about you do the triple topple ganger swisher slide with me instead of your goat? I want you to whinny like a horse, yelp like a bad dog being corrected with rolled up newspaper, scream like a scalded cat, call me your hot rod daddy, beg for mercy? Pretend I am the priest and you have much to confess, and penance will be harsh. Take turns tied to the ceiling fan?

"Yes, Mr Ballistic, we can only change the account if you send a copy of government photo ID, or the credit card."

What are you wearing? I'm wearing a potato skin and two corn husks, nice eh? How about I send you a photo of this, you obnoxious automaton ??

"Yes, Mr Ballistic, I think any photo ID will do, as long as it contains all your basic information, and address."

OH yea sure baby, it has a tattoo that says "Tallahassee is the capital of Florida" in #96 font. How's that?

"Is the any thing else I can help you with today, Mr Ballistic?"

No, do what you can with Florida. That's about all I can ask at this point in our relationship.

The people from ipower pretend to be from nowhere on earth as we know it. They have no first language and choose to learn only the words which promote their ends and only comprehend words in that context.

This is a common side effect of life on the web, and customer service which is removed from human contact. There are banks which may be located just down the street, but whose customer service center is located in a small town in India, run by people who knew the slum dog millionaire personally.

You have an issue and you can't get it solved in the branch bank, you have to go somewhere else, and still not get it solved. Credit union seem much better in that regard.

As usual, I trace the actual outsourcing thing not so much to greedy corporations per se, but to government and greedier unions in concert with crooked business (not real capitalists). But those things get complicated. The simple version is that if neither union nor corporation could be in bed with government enough to use agencies as weapons against others, much of this would be different.


  1. Have you read Bradbury's "The Pedestrian" yet? It's about as long as your post here and its point is the same. ;)

  2. Hey free has a blog presence. The suspense continues.
    That may be too long to hold my attention if it is as long as this post. I'll look for it anyway--thanks. Maybe I'll figure out my point from reading it.


Can't make comments any easier, I don't think. People are having trouble--google tries to kidnap them. I'll loosen up one more thing and let's see. Please give it a try

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
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