Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Job I Want

Here's the silver lining to the cloud in which we find ourselves. There was a time when no one would have dreamed that America would have fallen into such dysfunction that you would become socially or legally forbidden from thinking and expressing an ever growing list of sentiments. The world of political correctness, and the Big pretense. But this opens new opportunities. New agencies. JOBS!

And I want to be the first to apply for the position of thought cop.

I catch you looking askance at someone in a burka or at a homo or even thinking that certain racial groups claim more members per capita who might harm you, I'm taking you down. You can think race or ethnicity as long as you only do it from the point of view that certain segments of the population are victims more than others; victims of bullying, hurricanes, particular diseases, price of sugar, earthquakes, paparazzi, you name it. As long as your thought or rhetoric suggests that the correct groups are victims, OK, you have nothing to fear. But you must know to whom this applies.

That goes for gender issues of most varieties as well, and for anything female, unless you are citing someone from one of the untouchable groups as the victimizer, in which case it depends on certain factors who will officially be deemed victim. There is a hierarchy which suggests what trumps what, so be up on that before you think or speak.

I get it. I know instinctively how the hierarchy of political correctness works, so I am the guy for this job. It involves more than just race and other condition of birth. It covers religious matters, nationality issues, illnesses and all sorts of things relating to sex and genitalia, and also a coolness index as defined by the Code of Dead Kennedys and pop culture.

Much of the PC handbook is unwritten and has not been put into law, yet it is being enforced in businesses and governments throughout the nation. More and more it is being incorporated into legislation and I expect this trend to continue.

Why it takes a true specialist to enforce correctness correctly is because this is not something which applies equally to everyone. It depends upon condition of birth, your associates, friends and acquaintances, where you are from, where you live and various characteristics of whomever is being attacked, hired, fired, scrutinized, or considered in any way in one's thoughts.

I know all of the nuances so I always know who to cite in cases which may confuse the less savvy. Recognizing this new and growing field and the wonderful opportunity it presents causes me to feel like I am at last in the right place at the right time. That perfect vocational fit has finally materialized.

We in the thought policing business would not have such opportunity had it not been for hate crime legislation. That opened the door wide. By gaging the severity of the crime by what the perp was thinking (beyond normal consideration of premeditation and such) rather than solely on what he did, thought and opinion entered the realm of possible crimes. And crimes bring punishment.

Such laws made the thought behind the rape, murder, beating, robbery, etc. a factor in how severely the perpetrator is to be punished. So, having the wrong thought during a crime carries the punishment of the extra jail time. Separate that out and you find what thoughts and feelings, and against whom, carry what punishments. I'll bet I could catch people thinking the wrong thing before they actually do the crime.

I could fry them for the thought, then maybe add a little wrist slapping for the crime they may have committed in the future. I believe some of that is already going on---dealing with crimes that haven't been committed but could be some day.

But don't worry, if you don't think or feel, you are probably safe.


  1. OJohn, I laughed with your post until I got scared. Yes, you are uniquely qualified.

  2. Have been saying this for over a decade now.

    In fact, I have REALLY rolled back some of my own rhetoric in order to live long and prosper.

    It cannot sustain itself.


  3. You need to join the staff of The Onion! ;) [http://www.theonion.com/]

    But hey, you're actually drawing on 1984... {smirk}


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