That is what happens when you go in angry. I have not been angry in a long time. Anyone who bothers to read this stuff may not know that, but it is true. I rarely feel that physical anger that engulfs your whole body from the inside like it could explode. I get over it.
Lots of people pretend they never feel any of these things. I find that there is a fine line between raging sadness looking to explode, and passion for an idea or principle. Or just passion for anything. I think many people are liars whether they know it or not. I see a lot of that with hard core atheists and hard core evangelical types. Both seem so unsure of their beliefs that they have to beat you up with them in an effort to convince themselves.
The extreme example would be those people who will behead you for saying anything they don't like about their imaginary deceased friend, pbuh. Or even drawing a picture or cartoon of him, or for pointing out that their culture and brand of religion is mass psychosis, bless their black little hearts.
This is why I do not believe in predestination, that every move of every person is already mapped out and known in the mind of God. I'm just not on board that it works that way. What could be a bigger waste of time than that? No, it's free will. God would never have mapped out the behavior of various newsmen, Ted Kennedy, Kim Jong Un, his dad, Che, Fidel, many prosecutors and lawyers, the El Cajon branch of the CA highway patrol, etc.
Just not buying it. Neither do I buy the substitutes people keep craving in the form of omnipotent governmental entities. And maybe google. Friggin google is becoming infused and enmeshed in and with all that is. And google pretends to know your every thought, and tries to anticipate your thoughts as if they are already mapped out and it knows.
This causes me to believe that google wants you to believe that it is God, and that it knows your destiny. I refuse to give in and cooperate, wherever resistance is still possible.
So why am I angry? I'm angry because of my own deficiencies, and the misguided consciousness of my fellow humans which allows an authoritarian police state which baffles me to exist. And I'm angry because I don't know what I want, and when I think I do, I don't know how to get it. And I'm angry for caring.
Anger separates a person from others and from whatever spiritual thing there is. You wouldn't know it since so many people who claim to be on a spiritual path seem loud and angry. But that is why I do not follow such people or believe their sincerity. They want to be sincere, maybe. Their egos must be as much in control as mine. But I do not want anyone looking to me for holiness.
I tracked down my errant friend. Not in jail or a hospital. I thought he ran away from home but he says he got kicked out. I see both sides and want none of that aspect. Girls just want money and power, and drunks just want to drink. Can't blame God for that mess. He drinks, she kicks him out and she takes what he provided. A match made in heaven. Born again virgins unite. Both have their points, though it seems she's being a bit financially opportunistic as she stands on principle. Tough one.
Sometimes a guy like that drinks for a day just to get cut loose, I think. And she put up with it a few times in the past because of the financial security. Security(money) trumps a nice guy every time, so I hope I never again hear some woman complain about there being no nice guys around. They do not want them and everyone knows this---another part of the big pretense.
I wish I'd never been able to glimpse past the big pretense on so many matters. It left me cynical and questioning the nature of life, reality and spirit. It can't be that flat and worthless and empty. People can't be that shallow, not even me. Can they?
I guess so..