Saturday, February 1, 2014

What's a Guy to Do?

It makes no sense, but I am determined to figure this out.   But if I look at my history, I never settle down confidently with the nice person, or else I gamble it all on the deceptive ingrate.  In fairness, most experiences were with the nice people, and I just resisted going all in, or else I didn't feel  I could be accepted for the reality of who I am.  

Bla bla bla.  I look back and think, "Who cares?  Take control, whiner."  One thing for sure, advice from others in matters of the heart is total garbage.

They do not know, and always tend to push me to be who I am not, and really do not want to be.  I have defects, glitches, and occasional flashes of brilliance, and if there is the right kind of respect and affection, I am loyal and a servant to the death, if need be.  At least I think so.

Some people can't get past the glitchy, whatever it is.  But others actually like that aspect.  My compulsion to try for a normalcy I'll never achieve often led me to seek approval where it would never be.  Dumb.  No good or bad in that.  All about inner conflict, trusting true essence and all that. 

Whatever I am, it is almost a universal truth that the opinions of others about what to do with my heart, and how, ought to be ignored, and, unless it involves a heads up regarding dishonesty or psycho antics, such opinions ought not be offered.  Mildly positive things are OK, like, "Oh she's a spiffy looking chick" or "Wow she can jump high and kick a ball far!!".  You know, the usual comments which don't delve into too much depth.

It looks to me like I need to make some money.  Maybe figure out how to put what I have left to work. It is scary, but I will just see and hope to do the right thing.  It is nice to know what I do want, for a change, but I will follow whatever proves to be the ultimate best path.  It almost makes me cry, though, because I do know something or someone has really got a hold o me.

Just the way it is.  If you don't like it,  you are probably wrong, but that's OK.  Life works out alright if you let it.

love this song.  I'm simple and unsophisticated I guess.  I like what I like and that's that

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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