Wednesday, April 1, 2015

No Good. I'm Still Angry. Drat!!!

Anger will not do.  I cannot afford, nor do I want to spend the time and energy on that wasted condition.  Sure, a little anger now and then is helpful. It could get you out of the path of the speeding bus just in time.

But cultivating it, or letting it run where it does no good--now this is the stupid thing to do.

The subject of family came up and I realized I am mad about certain reactions and behaviors.  But these were the exact behaviors that existed in certain others when I was one or two, and from then on.

Older siblings know instinctively that they can have a hope of destroying you if they demonstrate no respect for you no matter what.  That is different from being nice, but not a lot different.  So, I am pissed that I valued such opinions and that they still sting.

I never should have sand bagged because people more pitiful than myself wanted so badly to win at any cost, and seemed so crushed if I won.  Screw them. I should have done better.   I could not fight everyone.  Especially because I was too young to know everything I needed to know to survive these people any better than I did.

But I cannot set myself up for that feeling again.  I will make some claim about scattering me in the gulf stream or Shasta lake or something.  Gulf Stream. Caribbean. That's the real ticket.  Just to annoy them.  But before that, who cares?

I have to get past the anger to the point that if I am confronted by this old childhood insecure jerky behavior, I can view it with something other than anger.  At this point anger is all I got.

It is sad.  If I were bleeding in a ditch far away from home or friends.  Family would be way the hell down on the list of those I'd call for help, if on it at all.  I would probably rather die than see that look or hear one word.  Why now?  I do not want to feel this.  But I see no changing.  Changing is always left to me.  I'm defective and everyone else is productive and , oh geez the I word, intelligent.  On that last, the degree of superiority or any evidence of superiority, if it comes down to it, is dubious, or non existent.

But I do not have the long term career, bank account, offspring , etc. to prove it, therefore I am inferior and not to be allowed admittance into the halls of the self appointed elite in life.

Seriously, this is not healthy but I cannot think of how to fix it.  I do not want to be resenting anyone. We are lucky to have life. It is an amazing condition. Everything is. Existence itself is mind blowing. We don't even know what it is.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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