Monday, September 28, 2015

It Must Be My Imagination

In no way do I feel normal or right.  But the lower hydrea dose seems to have most blood levels in a good place.  The iron whatever is pretty much within bounds, and the other metabolic thing was OK except for one value and that wasn't very high, just a little.

I'm thinking, if I still have symptom,s I don't like then why bother with the medical annoyance?   Maybe it is all just part of being nuts.  Could it be the same or better if I did nothing?  No more doctor visit, tests, or, when I run out, no more hydroxyurea.  

I just do not know.   I do know something has got to give.  This Limbo state is unacceptable.  If I am imagining these symptoms then I need to quit it. It is all mental.  If I am not imagining it, then I need to fix it, or get better stuff for treating it.  I don't even know what "it" is.

Enough is enough and I have had it with feeling like this.  I hit spells, sometimes more than an hour, of feeling great and not finding mundane tasks and behaviors tedious and daunting.   And not finding the slightest activity setting off some crazy body heat thing with the itching, fatigue, fog, etc.  Like rolling in fiber glass insulation while over heated and/or short of breath.

That's worst case.  Best case is better.

But, I cannot trust my mind a lot right now, especially on impulse thoughts.  That I know.  I find that I am wrong too often for it to be everyone else or explainable by other excuses.  I am just mistaken.  But I know when I know and when maybe I could be wrong.  But I have to be careful to pay attention a little more.

Probably a result of the hydrea, and maybe due to anemia, but even those numbers are slightly better. So, I think I should find energy, get some income coming from online or other source not dependent upon location.  Then I should move to Colorado or other cool, low humidity location.   I wonder if I could pull that off even if I wanted to.  I doubt it.

But there has to be a more energetic life to be had.  I manage to make music gigs and practice.  Being in a purely social setting is torture.  I am always feeling weird or in pain.  That can be pushed away by doing something, like play, most of the time but not always.  So I work it so I am only around people when I have to be and I avoid a lot.  This can't remain the same.  But it probably will.

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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