Wednesday, August 10, 2016

One Step Forward and a bunch in all other directions

People may think I whine, but they have no clue what I really experience.  When the fog gets this heavy, it is a little scary.  Can't get up for more than a couple of minutes without felling sick.  It sucks.  But if I can establish some order and adhere to a reasonable schedule, I may survive OK>

Right now, I don't know.  I pushed too hard, as was evident on ride back from work yesterday; several potentially fatal lapses in situational awareness.  I think I was conscious, just in and out of the present reality.

Now I am stuck in an uncomfortable fog of fatigue and a little confusion.  This sucks.  I cannot give up yet.

I wish I truly believed in everything any religion has to offer.   I cannot lie about that.  I lost any faith some time ago.  No idea why.  Maybe lack of discipline, practice, or just being stupid.  People who have faith are better off, I think.  It almost doesn't matter that there is no proof, or the details of what it is they choose to believe.  I do not believe those fools who think they know all there is about life and existence, claiming a belief in science.  What does that mean?  And how can you actually pretend to be scientific if you close off possibilities outside your immediate understanding?  

The academia club can be a disgusting, annoying bunch of tripe.  Never have I met more closed minded people than those who consider themselves the elite of academia, therefore the world.   But right now,  I am too weak to even slap any of them.

My whole body feels like big heavy slap of clay.  Movement is not something it wants to initiate.

So many days, I say to myself, or the God I don't know if I believe exists, "Please.  Not today.  I can't die today, with this mess for others to sort.  Please wait until I have things responsibly ordered.  Then i will accept it.  But for today, please do not let me die.

That is when I feel so heavy, and weak, and foggy, and dimwitted.   I feels like my heart or a blood vessel in my brain could go at any time.  So, I mentally prepare for the monumental effort it takes to sit up, and get up, walk across the room to swallow one low dose aspirin, as prescribed.   I better do it.  Maybe this change is because my blood has gone haywire.   Too many platelets can be big trouble.  Too few can be dangerous, too.  I have tested with both conditions.  Had to cut down on the hydrea when they tanked.

Now I can't wait for night, cool air and maybe a little sleep.,  This tired mess is not so good.  But there are others who have no say so at all.  They can't even move at all.  SO I probably can do OK

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Ballistic Mountain, CA, United States
Like spring on a summer's day


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