Character Flaws Start At Home

Once again I have to face the fact that I have allowed myself to be something other than the man I think I should be. It is stupid and I have no explanation why I am as I am, and why this has been something which has followed me on and off for years.

It's the damned clutter/mess build up issue. I leave places in as good or better shape than I find them, yet while there I seem to become overwhelmed by my own mess and clutter. Damned if it hasn't happened again.

The result is that I never invite anyone over, and I hide like a scared mouse from the landlord. In my case, I am renting a cottage from very nice people. Yet I think I feel I have somehow violated a trust because this place is a total clutter fest---boxes, papers, containers not yet opened and sorted from the move two years ago, lost plates in the mess, empty water bottles and I don't know what. I've been here before. Too ashamed to let anyone in, and too befuddled to fix it until there is no choice.

Now there is no choice. Mr R wants to paint the front porch and posts in front--TOMORROW. Painting the wood stoop may mean actually opening the door. Yikes!!! He is a naturally neat type. His carport workshop is orderly, a place for all and all in its place. Cars are always immaculately clean. Woe is me.

So...I have hatched a plan.

Since I am not quite as steeped in fear of fellow humans as I was a few years ago in Memphis, and Greensboro before that, I'm not so paralyzed.

I will move all these containers to the back deck, move the myriad of trash to trash bags, maybe even opening an unopened piece of mail or two, I will then be able to see the floor which can be vacuumed. I will start at about 3AM, in case I don't feel like doing it this minute.

Then I can deal with whatever is in the containers, consolidate, reject the needless, donate the worthy, and become somewhat organized. It is not that damned complicated but of all the things in life it is by far the most painful of tasks to me. I find dealing with power outages and hurricane damage less taxing.

This personal weakness is one reason I never bitch about who works and who doesn't. I merely focus on the fact that no one has the right to steal or demand support from others. If that landed me in the woods the so be it. I'd love to be able to blame THE MAN for my shortcomings, or my race, or the fact that I'm not gay, but I cannot.

We shall overcome. This is the perfect opportunity to get moving on with life. All my nearly baked and half baked schemes and plans rely on this clutter dissolution anyway. It is a sign.

So is the ambivalence about certain work in the wonderland place where I earn most of my money. Hedge your bets, young man!! That is what message I hear loud and clear. I'm particularly impressed that the Powers That Be call me "young" man.

It's America, anything is possible

I'm trying to program myself to think like the above board immigrants who sought freedom, and the right to carve out their own opportunities, in days past. That is slightly different from seeking a way to suckle off the governmental, publicly funded teat.

I'm amazed at the degree to which this country has reverted to a mentality of tribal, ethnically based politics, and bias. You cannot disagree, dislike, or criticize anyone's philosophy without it becoming an issue based on condition of birth rather than condition of ideology. It is of course more this way depending upon whom you criticize.

I believe those who can't resist that manner of quelling opposition have been duped. Obama's administration is no more about race than Bush's. Inviting the ethnic bigots into positions of power is merely a tactic to galvanize voter groups and stay in control, and in office.

The one ethnic group which is most difficult to solidify into a voter block is the one comprised of white Americans. By convincing all other groups to be angry and to aim that at whites, as if they had a racial agenda and more power than they actually do, you can garner a controlling interest in many respects. The difficulty comes when people think in terms of philosophy, right and wrong, and not in terms of race.

If it weren't for race constantly being thrown up in the news, and drawn into matters in which ethnicity is irrelevant, a huge portion, likely the majority of whites would rarely even think in such terms. Most still don't entertain private discussions on the matter, even though it is constantly thrown out there. Many fear that any analysis of the matter might get them accused of being racist, even though they are not.

It has been the goal of many to ensure that blacks and hispanics, among others, think always of ethnicity first, no matter what the issue. They have succeeded in instilling this mind set. They have also convinced various groups that the average white gathering includes racial talk, which is purely bogus.

I am sorry to see that Obama has fueled this fire, in what appears to be a very calculated manner. But, considering that his party and the republicans both seek something other than ensuring maximum choice and freedom for their constituents, it is not unusual that he would seek personal power, and power for his party no matter the ultimate cost to others.

That is one thing I definitely do not miss about the south, particularly Memphis and Atlanta--the ever present black bigotry. In the stores, on the street, everywhere. You notice the cases in which you can interact human to human because most of the time the atmosphere is anger because you aren't black. I don't need a history lecture, but maybe they do--I and my ancestors had zero to do with the past or present condition of Africa and Africans, and nothing to do with people in Memphis. I am of the era when it hurt more than helped if prospective employers knew my race going in.

One thing I do miss is the interaction with those of other ethnicity who are not racists and constantly seeing the world in those terms.

I've seen white racists too. The difference is that for many decades they've been loudly derided by other whites, and they are a very weak minority. In the case of black racists, this is not so. KKK gets shouted down by whites when they make a scene, New Black Panthers don't get that same very strong put down from blacks, they get a chorus of "black power".

Not equal freedom, period, or liberty for all--power, meaning control, based on ethnicity. That is the very thing that gave rise to the alleged roots of the anger. I say alleged because you'd think no one would want to be the same as that which they despise. Apparently it is not the act or philosophy they hate, only that they weren't of the slave owning class.*

*also note, since many not from the south do not know, only a very small percentage of people owned slaves, and some of those were black. That makes nothing right, as forcing involuntary servitude is pure evil and why I despise an ever intrusive state. Wrong is wrong but get the facts before blaming millions of uninvolved people a century or so after the fact. Why are you not outraged that there is still African owning African slavery in some areas? It absolutely is the most evil of acts--forced control over another human;

So, the mess will continue because how else can Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the NAACP stay in the spotlight and make money? And of course this obvious bigotry seems to bring neo nazis and kkk types back out of their hole. I notice I hear mention of KKK more than ever, not because of any gatherings or activities, but because the hate instigators keep bringing their name into the discussion to avoid discussing principles. That will of course summon them. It's like satanists performing rituals to summon the devil. What the hell is wrong with you?

Changeling Gypsy

The more I attempt not to try to fit molds that just don't work, the more I find some of my choices and attitudes toward what I want shifting. It is not easy to explain exactly what that means, probably because I don't care to divulge every detail.

For some reason, I have spent a lifetime confused over how to fit myself into polite and 'normal' society. What is craziest about that is that I usually get along with people, enjoy more trust and affection in ways than I would ever expect. Yet, I'm inwardly more confused about the way of things than seems reasonable.

What is cool about the last few years is that I'm finding it easier to accept where I am and what I am, even though I still don't know what. It is that feeling that I need to justify my existence and choices which is fading. Some things stay constant, and some don't.

How this relates to the Texas tour is unknown. Oh, just brought that up out of nowhere. It is only a feeling, but I think there is a connection there. I'm becoming increasingly excited about the prospects of a road trip. It takes money so I am determined to find a way to earn enough as quickly as possible.

At first I thought I had great opportunity to earn a lot in the next few weeks but it seems that some projects I was ready to do did not resonate well with the house manager when I mentioned them, on the phone just minutes ago. There is still work, but the specifics are not as thought, or so it seems.

Can't worry about that. A few nights on the gigolo circuit ought to make up for that. I'm seeking blind clientele who aren't too good with seeing with their fingers. Bound to be a ton of women in that category who have tons of money and an indiscriminate libido which is only active if they are paying top dollar. Yes, I know that makes me a bit whorish, but what the heck. It is all a part of liberating the sexes.

One thing has not changed--I still think air conditioning is one of the best inventions ever, even though I do not have it here on Ballistic Mountain, and restrain from using it most of the time in the car--saving fuel.

Believe it or not, I do remain silent at times

Just now something came to my attention and I had plenty to say. But I didn't comment. Let sleeping dogs lie. Or lying dogs sleep. There was no lying involved in this instance. Just ghosts.

It is not easy to play like you are with it when you know you have never been. Maybe it comes from that ringing in the ears. That has been there so long I don't ever recall not having it. The main time it is a bother is when they do advertisements designed to make you notice it, and when I am outside in a woodsy setting or on Ballistic Mountain. It is tough to tell if there are an abundance of crickets chirping or if it is just the usual noise produced internally.

I want to ride thermals in some sort of hang glider that would keep climbing indefinitely. I wonder how high I could go before passing out. And if I did lose consciousness, what would happen next? Probably wake up as I approached land or hit a mountain or tree. It's would be worth finding out.

Watching a "Debate"

I was just watching a slow streaming video of a debate between various candidates for governor of Illinois--green, two independents, constitution, and libertarian. Republican and Democrat didn't show up. Why would they? If they don't show the news doesn't cover it, and they can be sure the public ignores the fact that they are not the only ones running.

Even so, it amazes me to listen to all these people claim that they can do better those things government ought not do. It is not so much the fact that tax money is wasted or that program will or won't redesign humanity as we know it. The problem is that we let go of the limits on the function of government long ago, and without super strict limits, it will always be wasteful and more corrupt than not. Laws against force and fraud, infringing on property rights and individual liberty, are not uniformly enforced, if enforced at all.

So instead of it being about what basic functions should be served, it is about everything else. Oldest trick in the world--the old misdirection play.



Oh well. So, I intend to roam around a bit as soon as I save a little more money. I'll keep my eye open for good places to settle when we enter the era of health insurance outlaws and scofflaws. No use dwelling on what I can't change, but when it does affect me, it is not a bad idea to be aware of what is going down. Since I am willing to draw the line and not follow dictators or authoritarian regimes, I simply won't cooperate. Not out to do any harm or mischief.

Maybe it is good I have less to lose than most. Maybe I have more, who knows. Less tugging at me to be herded with the rest. No family to be hurt or any of that. I can see if I had kids at home, they'd think I was nuts, then later in life they'd possibly think I was right. I do think now is the time to live, and screw cooperating with the insanely intrusive and abusive.

It is not easy to be a gypsy. Got to have a po box at least, insurance, licenses (driving, fishing, one to own a cat, one on the car, etc.) bank account, and not look suspicious. You'd be surprised.

So, contribute to the gypsy vagabond relief fund. If you don't I'll get public service ads made and put them all over the place with film of me looking pitiful, victimized, alone and forlorn--the usual guilt trip. It will be sickening. You can prevent this.

Gypsy Blood

It has been thought that I may have gypsy in my genes. No, not a gypsy in my jeans, although depending upon the gypsy, I don't reject that plan. Lots of good looking gypsy women, if movies are true to life, and I'm sure they are.

That trip in the fall keeps coming to mind. I may have enough work between now and whenever to pull it off. Most likely it won't include much more than a run to Texas and then back, but let's not think in restrictive terms. It could be a wide ranging tour, depending on factors both known and unknown.

That kind of thing makes me smile inside. But I also realize this is an indication that I am ahead of my time.

Long before I heard it from an Art Bell guest in the late 90's, I reasoned that the only way the human race will endure into a future almost unlimited is to find another planet, solar system, galaxy. Pretty much in that order. Eventually the sun is going to swallow us up and the neighborhood will not be what it was.

I think we have plenty of time, but only if we advance in all ways. I think there will be some system which involves dimensions and time and twists not yet considered. In any case if this species wants to survive billions of years, we need to embrace our inner gypsy. Or, you can embrace me, your outer gypsy--depending upon who you are, mentally, spiritually, and aesthetically. Not necessarily in that order.

Good thing there is no urgency for billions of years, I have yet to even enjoy all the cool places just in this country.

Help fund my trip. It is tax deductible, I give you a voucher that says so, signed by me.
You can make your checks out to "cash" if you choose, and just send them to Descanso, CA, or Ballistic Mountain, CA. Should be fine.

WWYD part 3 BMI

Do I care even slightly, even one iota of a cracker, what my body mass index is? Hell NO!! So why does the national government of the USA?

Really, are you so brainwashed that you do not know if you are too fat, maybe too skinny, or maybe not too anything? If so, you already lost your soul so who cares about your health?

This is really getting out of hand. They are sticking things about body mass in so-called financial stimulus bills. Oh geez. You have absolutely no idea how hard it is for someone as completely not geared to be controlled by official decrees as I am to deal with these things. It takes great discipline and mind control on my part not to go berserk.

I could stand to lose a smidge of fat, gain some muscle and be about 10 lbs heavier in the process. That's my whole medical profile. Bastards. And for shortsighted personal gain--which will not materialize--plenty of people are perfectly willing to condone these intrusions. It has all to do with control, nothing to do with health. A slave state run by elites, with the masses being placated with drugs and tv. Mmm....what kind of drugs, Dude? Watabout chicks? sounds bitchin

WWYD part 2 (part 1 continued)

Maybe it helped that the Duke guys got all that publicity in the fake rape case. Who knows. For each of them, I bet ten guys are doing time for atrocities never done.

Regardless of that, when you know about a rotten case, even if the guy is white, every pressure should be brought to bear on this corrupt government to make it right. The degree to which we are gravitating toward the model of life once enjoyed in the USSR, and still the way of things in Cuba, amazes me. It is not the happy one for all, and all for one, scenario so many seem to believe.

If I had been in Lt Behenna's shoes, I am afraid I would have done far more that was outside the manual.

Maybe I over react. Like I honestly believe that. My true belief is that most people sellout and will put up with any kind of wrong doing as long as they are safe, unscathed, and materially doing OK.

I see over 90% of America as people who have sold out freedom, and their neighbors, any time it soothed their class envy, bigotry, or misguided evangelical/elitist sense of forcing others to live some way they wouldn't voluntarily choose. You don't drink coffee so why not tax fancy coffee more? Your accountant knows tricks to get you exempt so why not tax certain types of income more? That sort of thing is where it starts.

Then it creeps into if or how you raise your children. Oh you let your twelve year old get his own aspirin? For shame. You let your 14 year old have a sip of wine? Horrors. That's criminal.

You do not want health insurance and you do not want your medical info in the national data bank? Boy will you soon be in trouble.

Those are mere trifles. The police state is here, more in some states than others, but definitely here on the federal level. There is more cause to cast out those in power than there was in colonial days.

People bought the pap and disregarded the protections to freedom while at the same time ending segregation. Ironic--pretending to make people freer while tightening the grip on all. Very clever because it fooled great blocks of citizens. Most, as a matter of fact. Civil rights on one hand, and road blocks and heretofore illegal search on the other.

After all, on one hand we were doing the right thing. Then the definitions of "freedom" and "equality under the law", "opportunity" and a host of other words and phrases became situational and lost real meaning. We obviously do not have equality under the law. It just depends on where you are, who gets the pass. Who you are works for you sometimes and others it doesn't. Rarely based on who so much as what is your condition of birth; ethnicity, sex, and sexual proclivity.

The only way to deal with this in these times is not to take up muskets and go strom the Capitol, but to not cooperate. Soon you will be required to supply the IRS your health insurance information, including the total amount it costs, yours and the employer's input. Not doing so will result in fines or jail sentence.

So, if you can't afford it, and you refuse to take government help, you would be testifying against yourself if you file at all. All for not doing a damned thing wrong or harming anyone else in any way.

I am thinking there may be a lot of people who will just drop out and quit cooperating. Runaway slaves of the state. Better get that camping gear in order.

Most of those who can afford it will go along because who wants to be a wacked out idiot going down for a principle?

I'm fairly certain I do. Why is wanting individual freedom and a legitimate government whose elected officials hold to their oath of office such a radical idea, and not even legal?

There is no way to vote this out unless you have a choice of candidates who will repeal the 16th amendment, undoing the IRS. Real liberty in this country cannot exist under the present structure. There is a good reason that sort of tax was unconstitutional.

It leads to an Orwellian scenario in which Big Brother controls all. I don't like that. Should I have to be part of it? Should anyone? Go live in your own commune under a charismatic leader if you want that. You can still let the rest of us be free.

Very likely, if I were a person of note, this kind of talk would land me in trouble. Free speech is not encouraged if you simply tell the truth and point out that we've been had. However if you simply want tyo say offensive things of a sexual nature or about select groups, like crackers, have at it.

I'm saying that crackers, and burnt toast, and every other food group of citizens are selling out and have been. They've been willing to take money confiscated from others, either in direct payments or government contracts they know are iffy or in grants for things taxpayers would never voluntarily support. Or maybe they would but you found a grant easier than just seeking private voluntary support.

I'm guilty. I rented a large boom lift to the army for $4000/ month. It turns out some colonel used it to watch the intramural softball games they had on the base. He kept it for over a year it seems. That was in NC.

Tax money. I should have pulled it when I found out, just saying we had to use it elsewhere. But no, it yielded me an easy commission every month, so I sold out like everyone else.

Then I rented it again to the Military where they were working on the hangar that housed Air Force One. That was in Maryland. I'd transferred to the DC branch of the company. Long ago. It all adds up, and an out of control police state which wants to monitor your goddam body fat is the result.

No doubt I sold out other times, too, but that one was a moral no brainer once I knew the facts.

I don't sell out now if I can help it. Hard not to be a part of the monster because they suckered everyone in. You can minimize your cooperation though.

WWYD part 1

What would you do?

Every time I hear of controversial treatment of soldiers over in Iraq, Afghanistan, or even on our own borders, I tend to ask mysef what I would do, or would have done in their shoes.

There have been some very questionable cases in which prosecution has not behaved honestly in disclosures and such, sometimes soliciting testimony by extortion or bribe. Politically motivated, or so it seems, but to what end is unclear.

Maybe they just want our people to be window dressing, and delivery personnel for books or toys or whatever the latest PR bit is in that particular theater. Normally I am not a joiner, not one to take up causes, and not one to join any mob or demonstration.

However, in the cases of Campean and Ramos, I was outraged and may have even dropped a dollar or two toward their defense fund. The more I knew, the more I despised the prosecutor, Johnny Sutton, and wondered why Bush ignored these things. The same attitude from the White House continues---ignore the info and pleas regarding federal prosecutors, military and other, run amok.

We've had Navy SEALs brought to trial for doing their jobs and prosecutors trying to fry them with the flimsiest of excuses. It is beyond reason. I partly blame the practice of fighting limited, undeclared wars. The goals and reasons surrounding these actions change almost monthly.

You train fighters and send them in to be baby sitters of lunatics and terrorists and people whose culture we simply don't get. No need for us to understand them. Whatever the deal, you cannot have a conscience and send people into such an environment then turn on them for surviving and trying to protect themselves and their colleagues.

One guy is stuck in prison for 15 years (originally 25) for shooting a guy that was behind several bombings which killed Americans. He claimed the guy made a play to take away his weapon during interrogation.

There was an expert, the prosecution's own expert, who backed up Lt Behenna's story. Forensic evidence confirmed it only could be as the Lt. claimed. The prosecution sent him home (he wouldn't lie for them), did not let him testify and lied to the defense saying there was no information they didn't have. They are required to divulge such info.

Lt. B went into this sure that a thorough investigation would clear him. He believed in the government, the army and the fairness of USA justice. You'd think he'd know better. He learned. They were set to fry him and they did.

If I had money I'd donate a bundle to his cause. It sickens me to think how many people are in prison who don't belong and how many people get railroaded by prosecutors who care more about winning than about justice and truth. We probably don't hear about even 1% of these.

Equally troubling is the fact that more and more of these cases appear to be strictly political. I suspect political prisoners have been quietly put away for some time now. Not talking traitors, just those who somehow satisfy the ruling scums' agenda best by being locked up.

No wonder these bastards keep dreaming up excuses to control the internet. If not for the freedom of the web we would know even less than we do, and probably never hear about many of these kangaroo court cases.

Hot enough for ya

No need to ask. Yes, it is hot enough for me.

However, I am reluctant to believe that ceasing human activity will make it cooler. It appears to be a trend throughout the solar system.

Better, cheaper, and more air conditioning is what's needed. Instead we'll hear about compost and carbon. Must not be hot enough for Them.

The charming aspect of third world life is illusion.