Molly the Cat

It slipped my mind, then I was reminded that I have to feed Molly, the diabetic cat, from the 17th to the 21st of December. He (it took awhile to discover she was a he) is not a kitten. I think the cat is over ten years old. At this stage he gets a sht of insulin before his morning and evening chow.

What that means is that I drive up the mountain and shoot up a cat twice a day. This ought to be entertaining; more for the cat than for me, I suspect. Keeps me off the streets. With luck the cat will survive until his real adults return.

Whenever people take off, leaving their pets in my care, I worry that they'll pick that time to kick the bucket. Then it will be all my fault. I do avoid caring for pets I don't like. Believe it or not, some animals are jerks. If I have to care for jerk animals, I would feel double guilty if they kick because I secretly wished for their demise long before I had to play nanny.

Molly is a likable creature so I worry more about being up to the task. His owners do this every day--how hard can it be? With luck I won't accidentally give myself the shot. Too bad it isn't something more glamorous, like morphine.

Really, though, Molly probably has it tough enough being saddled with a girl name. He's made up for it by standing off rattlesnakes and avoiding coyotes. Even so, it has to hurt.

Dilemmas Abound When You're Strange

I can't describe the dilemmas which abound because then I could be in trouble. And they are not really anything more than half baked dilemmas. One could say I live a half baked life.

The crux of the matter is that I am again in one of those stages in which I find myself thinking I want more baking to occur. It is a choice, I think, like most things involved in the nature of one's life path. I don't rule out luck or fortune, but those factors play out quite differently based on choices made before or after the stroke of fate presents itself. You can milk good luck or bad luck to the fullest, or be so unprepared that you miss it altogether.

I've done that more than once. It has to do with some element I've yet to define for more than a moment, but which has pulled in the reigns when I should have rode that baby for broke. This is now, however, so those events ought serve only to prove that my thinking can be off the mark. Clearly repeating that thought pattern and resultant behavior is an error to avoid.

That's why I will yet finish my book, no matter who thinks it sucks. Especially if I am the who who thinks it. The writing is rather poor but I think, once the story is complete, I can go back and make it better. Besides I have begun another story in my head which may be better. It is different, darker in parts, and more dramatic. For some reason I feel like that future story ought to be told.

In the mean time, finding ways to be useful is probably the best route to better mental state and the path of good fortune. Those who tell you that petty family friction and such aren't worth distancing yourself are correct. In some cases you cannot bridge the divide, and that is that. In others you can and if the people decide to leave this life too soon, you wil look back and realize you should have exercised a little more understanding and a little less reacting. Fortunately that doesn't play a giant role in my confusion. It does play a small role.

Maybe the biggest dilemma of all is whether to believe even tiny dreams are within one's grasp. What if I am delusional and so off from reality that I am just thinking like a fool? What if?

Look around. Check out the tube. You tell me total fools and idiots don't often get paid well and rise to fame and fortune. One thing they have in common; either they've no idea they are dimwits or they don't care, or both. Got to give them credit for that.

Green Washing and Running Through the Wringer: condensed edited shorter

***The foregoing was edited because it was far too long***
###and it still is too long###

As I have explained previously, I am not very fond of most mass demonstrations; particular when they involve impeding traffic on public streets and inhibiting the mobility of uninvolved or disinterested persons. For one thing you might be endangering the life of a mother about to give birth or just generally screwing with lives whose paths you cannot know.

That is not to say I am against making views known, uncovering corrupt skulduggery, or free expression. Those things do not require stepping on rights of others.

I have attended civil assemblies related to the powerlink debacle.
Sunrise Powerlink in southernmost California. And fairly easternmost as well. Out there where few people live. Despite facts from their own reports, and facts confirmed through other sources, SDGE and those who stand in line for ill-gotten gains bulldoze forward.

In the name of green energy, which it isn't.

Cloak anything in greenness and it flies in CA. Unbelievable. Often it is more harmful than the alternative.

The path of corruption is a complicated and boring. In simplest form, the utilities commission, and the judge assigned to the original review all said it was a bad plan. Arnold, the ever-compenasting-for-something governor, threatened to fire the commission if they did not reverse their opinion and override all objections, which they did. Of course everyone knows that politicians like Arnold and Al Gore are experts on electricity and its production.

It should be tied up in court, yet with all that mess pending, SDGE is still going ahead with their ground breaking. It occurred last Thursday out in the wilds near Boulevard. That is way east and so far south you can literally see the border fence between the US and Mexico.

It was down a dirt road leading to what had once been a ranch, a Chargers' spring training camp, and a homeless rehab facility. Now it is an SDGE work camp, heliport. We are talking middle of nowhere. So, out of interest and curiosity I went with a couple of friends to see what was up. A couple hundred people showed to express their disapproval of this thing.

The complex is fenced in with barbed wire, and they had a point beyond which you could not pass. Only officials and invited guests. The actual buildings and all that are far within this multi acre annexation of land. The need an acre, they take 600. Everyone was well behaved and of all ages. These are east county horse people, wine makers, hermits, and recluses. And people who just like living out of the city.

Arnold showed up with a motorcade. They bussed people in from various parts of the county. News could go in while they held speeches to the choir and all that. It was bizarre.

What struck me most is that when they were approaching the gate on the dirt road where the people were (I suppose you could call them protestors although there was no blocking the road or pounding on cars--probably fifty cops and sheriffs hanging around), at the narrowest part they gunned the engines and flew by people creating a rather unsafe condition. There were little kids. It was a case of purely elitist arrogance.

Many of the others that came through did not race by, and people waved at them and they waved back. Some shrugged in that, "just doing my job" way.

I was heartened to see that this was not a crowd cut along party lines. Ray Lutz was there but largely ignored. Some of the most knowledgeable and involved people who have organized the lawsuits are almost as libertarian as I am. There were right wing tea party people, and left wing progressives. And Native Americans whose tribes I forgot. Their burial grounds are being screwed with.

No one knows where Gov. elect Moonbeam Brown stands on this, but he is another guy who pretends to be an expert energy engineer. He is all in with the green lobby so, no doubt, since it calls itself green and represents big campaign funding, he'll use it as an example of progressive government saving the earth.

This is a case where the knee-jerk democrats say "go green, rah rah rah", and the knee-jerk republicans say, "go business and capitalism rah rah rah", and both are completely ignoring reality. This is not free enterprise capitalism, and it is not green. No more than the mafia forcing people to pay protection to keep stores open were just trying to help keep the community safe and providing a valuable service.

For the cost of this system, they could put up enough roof-top solar to almost power the county. There's a curious thread, including Obama's secretary of the inerior who was a Sempra lobbyist. (the company that owns sdge and who has the Mexican contracts and plants over there. He's paved the way to help downgrade forest land classifications to allow this to go through.

And Arnold sat there like the wax figure of a man he is while his driver and other cars in his motorcade accelerated through a crowd of peaceful non-violent people causing a serious threat. And he'll say he's all about the safety of "da peepole".

Unlike many, I never liked Arnold much. Way back when he first became famous, he was such a clueless conceited dolt in interviews, I couldn't believe he achieved success as an actor. I tried to like him because various girlfriends seemed to. Where are they now? Obviusly they were nincompoops. Or maybe just I am.

Magic Wax and Wonders

As it happened I was asked to apply the secret santeria formula to an eight foot wooden gate.
Either due to phone not liking the light or my insistence upon moving while shooting the picture, or because a magical haze was in the air (I refuse to use the spelling that includes a k, magick, or do they say magik? oh well), the picture is blurry.
You can't tell that the far left, or part of it is not done. Don't remember what was done and what not at this point.


Here I am after sacrificing secret offerings to the god of magic wood wax.


Make of it what you will. I believe the god of magic wood wax is bullish on America

Memories Suck

Whether it is an organic defect or a phenomenon of internal chemistry, or simply bad character, I am not sure, but when I look at certain people from the past and their lives, I get sick inside. Not that they are sickening, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know what happened, while their lives seem to add up and my doesn't.

I doubt I can make a difference from now on. Maybe it is possible and maybe not. At times, like at this minute, it is quite a painful thing to consider. Part of me wants to unleash any and all ability I have on some endeavor that amounts to something so I can say to Them, "Screw you. You were wrong. You couldn't kill my spirit. Screw you all.".

That is a childish fit, I know. The worst of it is I cannot conceive of any worthwhile ability or endeavor that would redeem me. This is the way the battle rages. The best that could happen is that one day I am able to save someone worthy by falling on a grenade. Then they'd say I died nobly. As it is I have fallen on many a figurative grenade without actually saving anyone. That can scare the piss out of you at a certain point in life.

It is all pride and ego. I may as well accept it. I've gone from allegedly promising to kind of stupid, lacking status or import. It had to have been my choice. Today I am a mediocre, at best, handy man. And not even full time at that. I forgot what it was I was good at. It seems my lack of skill in understanding the ways of civilization and the corrupt aspect of capitalism* did not work well for me. By corrupt aspect, I mean the usual office politics and willingness to take credit for the work and inspiration of others. That is a quality in more people than not, if you don't actively defend against it, but I assumed it was a rarity. Then I would react in the most idiotic of ways. Not their fault. I got glitches. Just certain non sequitur mental and emotional reactions which screw things up, especially if I pretend the don't exist.

[*please note, I consider pure capitalism the only natural, holy, right and fair model of human transaction. I'm referring the the bastardization of it. ]

Too many hard blows to the head, I suspect. Must have been knocked out one too many times, long ago. Maybe it was one of the times I collided with a concrete floor or a tree limb.

Remind me not to search names of long ago nemesis types. Or even casual acquaintances.

Quote of the day, re Capitalism: History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for political freedom. Clearly it is not a sufficient condition. Milton Friedman.

I would add that you have to have economic freedom to have personal freedom and political freedom encompasses both. I'd further suggest that it is a crime against nature to deny a person any of these freedoms. That is, if you believe everyone is born with the right to make his own choices and own his own life. Obviously, many in the world do not accept or revere that premise.

Brave New World; part MMI

I'm not sure what I do that directs organizations and institutions to my inbox, but I must be doing something. In the case of failed democratic House candidate Ray Lutz, it was trickery. I sign a petition intended for a forestry guy, and it turns out his people were custodians of the petition and used it to pad their propaganda list.

Normally, I avoid petitions, demonstrations and the like. used to write letters but, quite frankly, I've come to believe these things only put a red flag by your name in a data bank. I know my fears smack of conspiracy mentality, but just because one suspects wrongdoing does not make him wrong. Often, people and groups do conspire. Look up the definition and it becomes clear that the word did not enter the lexicon as one which has no concrete meaning or history. Any plan hatched by a couple of people or more is an incident of those people conspiring.

So, now I get an email from Alebertson's, a friggin grocery store. The will give me a five dollar gift card if I get a flu shot. I have to wonder why they care. What if I'm allergic or someone who is better off unhealthy. How do they know? All I want is cheap food. Good produce at rock bottom price so I can juice it up and become super man. No doubt their PR on this issue would include phrases like, "Giving back to the community". Maybe if they didn't take from the community they wouldn't have the guilt trip which induces them to "give back".

No doubt there is a tax break or other behind the scenes perk which causes them to pursue matters unrelated to providing their product at a good price. I'm far more suspicious of companies that blabber on about giving back than I am of companies who just go about their stated purpose and leave it at that. Use that money to develop even better service and products, not to influence my behavior in the name of community service. A company who provides a top notch product or service at the lowest possible price, and does so honorably is already an asset to the community. If they are really on top of their game, "giving back" would only siphon off resources which would be used to better their operation. It is pure bunk, but people buy it.

If only Albertson's would send Ray Lutz to another state or country in exchange for me getting a flu shot, I'd do it tomorrow. Had he not opened his mouth at an event which was not politically based, and had his smarmy smug people not sent emails calling the opponent an idiot I might have voted for him. The emails were over the top. I suppose they assumed that everyone would rather hear their character assassination rather than direct statements of policy and reasoning to back it up.

What does Albertson's have to do with the Lutzmeister? I have no idea. Nothing, I hope. Only that both send me bizarre emails. Raybo lost the election and still won't quit. He's even implied possible vote tampering even though he lost by about three to one. The other people in the race did not hijack names and addresses, or unilaterally turn meetings of concerned citizens and businesses in this area into political photo ops. It really was shameless, and highly detrimental to the effort at hand.

If I ran Albertsons I would give huge discounts to anyone who gave Ray Lutz the flu. What a weird store. They had one program which gave you cookware prizes for buy hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of groceries in a set period. They showed hugely inflated prices for the stuff. A $12 at Target frying pan was supposedly a $30 dollar value or so. Buy $600 in groceries and you could own this wonderful piece of Chinese production.

That's why I go to the local Daniels whenever I need something. They don't care if I get the flu or not and the prices aren't any higher. I bet the Korean manager is not part of the Ray Lutz machine, either.

I think Ray is stalking me and I want it to stop. I sent in one of his reply-and-donate envelopes with clear instructions to take me off of their mailing list. We'll see if it works. Probably he'll send my name to Homeland Security as one of those domestic threats. You know, like veterans and people who like that snake flag--don't tread on me.

A Strange and Partly Charmed Life

As of yesterday I have been a non drinker for longer than I was a drinker by three years. What this means is that for 24 years I have had no good excuse for acts of stupidity, poor judgement, incompetence, self delusion and self destruction. So much easier to have something to blame, as if without that something I'd be a filthy rich hero. Blaming society is tempting but doesn't carry a lot of weight.

Maybe my earlier powerless over women is a good excuse. Doesn't really wash but there are plenty of guys who would say, "Hell yea. It's HER fault!!". I can't really go that route. One thing I have learned in the last 24 years is that A) many women actually do have feelings (who knew?), and B) It is not really easier for them, contrary to how it appears. It is just different. Things balance.

I can easily pee outside. I can hardly become a trophy husband. I can have sex without getting pregnant, no matter what, yet I can't render people, men in particular, helpless with a look. A woman can turn a table over on a man in public, or make a scene otherwise, and still come out looking like the victim. A man can't do that--I don't know why. It is very strange. The threat of loud scene will make a man squirm and gives the woman the cards. She can slap or else and get away with it. It is part of the balance. And it is a balance. We can all be victims, but the truth is it's yin and yang. Just life.

Perhaps the long extended effort to meld the sexes will blur these distinctions and then we'll go back to might makes right. Or something.

Too big a picture for me. I think I'm getting fat again and soon my pants will be too tight. I will have to cut back on the potato chips. I'm not really that chubby(oops. meant in the non freudian and non biblical sense) so just cutting back consciously on fatso food and amounts will do the trick in a week or so. Wouldn't it be cool if initial weight gain all went to a really useful place which would be fun and impressive? Maybe not. There could conceivably be drawbacks and it may limit certain possibilities. never mind--just messin' with your head. as it were

They're Playing Ladies' Lingerie Without Me!!!

Back in the Memphis days, the band had this gig every year, it seems, at Dillard's. They had a special post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas hooplah day which involved special rates for good customers and card holders, food, and general festivity in the store. They had us set up over near the lingerie department. It was great. Should have changed the name of the band to "The Underwear Bombers".

I was talking to one of the guys today and found out they are doing it again this year--this weekend. I'm jealous. And my buddy Ms Rose is going to be there and sing a couple of tunes. Supposedly she still remembers me and asks how I'm doing. We had a stage chemistry I've rarely experienced. It was as if I could do no wrong and she could do no wrong, and it was a blast. No one would ever look at me and guess I'm the guy most likely to get picked for the team by a seasoned soul singer. Just shows how little most people know. I would have guessed it. My old band mates were surprised.
Anyway, it does me good to know Rose is still healthy and singing. That is one very kind, talented woman.

Sometimes I miss the South. I also miss playing electric sometimes. Present group has got the vocals and a creativity that has barely been scratched. If I were not here, then I'd be missing them.

For a guy who knows zilch, and hasn't a clue, I've managed to play with some pretty good musicians and in some unusual places. But, after all these years, I still say the most bizarre gig was with Marvin's Rockabillys at the Whitsett Men's Gun Club. I did not realize the true nature of the place until later. And their just slightly underage daughters---what a mess--I managed to escape those aggressive, lunatic, jailbait and get-you-shot-by-daddy little darlin's.

Their drunk redneck daddys were pushing me dance with them. "Too good to dance with my girl?" Then when I did (I wasn't one for dancing much--friggin Marvin played slow songs to help me out), one girl was trying to set up a tryst. I went along with it but didn't show up at the appointed place and time---afraid on the spot rejection would be met with cries of "rape" and target practice at the gun club. It was way weird. I drank, and else, at that time. If you try that at home, I recommend heavy hallucinogenics, and fast exit car.

Page 83, and uh oh, it may be a chemical swing

Whenever I have this sudden feeling of well being, especially after days or weeks of fighting a feeling of doom, I wonder if it is the result of efforts to chase away the blues or the result of a chemical balance swing. If you ride such highs, the crash is that much worse. I've learned to attempt to separate the lie out of the highs and the lows. Both tend to produce false premises in the mind.

But, in reality, I'd say I have more reason to be enthusiastic about life than not. Doesn't mean I'm able to do that internally much of the time- only intellectually. It's complicated to explain, simple to coach. If I were the coach, I'd say, "Ignore any ups and any downs. Just do what is in front of you without opinions about whether it or you are good enough, whether you are competent; just do it and shut up." You have no idea how hard it is for me to just do that.

That is why good or bad I continue with my book. Up to page 83 now. If I can finish it, I will have won one for life. Besides, if anyone doesn't like this story, then fine. But if they deem it a lousy story, they are wrong. There are things I didn't like which have been hugely popular and influential. What if those people had gone by my reaction? No matter my opinion of their work, it would have been pretty stupid to let my view carry any weight.

In my case, too, it is foolish to let my view carry any weight. If I do, I'll trash everything I've done, on a depressed whim, deciding it is terrible and and an embarrassment to my good name (what a joke). So, that is another of the things I've almost learned after all these years; ignore my own criticism unless it is actually focussed enough to produce a refinement or improvement to the project at hand.

There must have been a few rejections I've internalized, which gained residence in my mind. Rejection does suck, but the odds are those rejecting you probably deserve your rejection. I'd love to believe that, deep in my cells and bones, but I probably don't, even though it is true.

Uncle Me

If I can't be the patriarch everywhere I go, I guess uncle is next best. And don't say, "what about matriarch?". I won't even go there.

It's pretty cool to realize that some attachments defy explanation; just the way it is. That's how it works with some of my SD people. There is a bond and that's that. In the case of this young girl, perhaps we both have something similar in how we process the world of our senses. It's probably easier for me. I learn a lot from the perseverance and guts of this one. It is great to be considered somewhere between surrogate father (not that she doesn't have a great step dad), uncle, and friend. There is just a bit of mutual tolerance and loyalty there which is like an understood, unannounced pact that no matter what, we each have an ally.



This is one of the great things about moving out west to SD county; the chance to play a part in some lives which I won't detail here. Unusual things. More to life than meets the eye.

I'm busted broke so anyone expecting the obligatory gift can forget it. Even so, I like this time of year. I can make it what I choose. I'd never expect someone to produce a gift for me, so when I can't do it, I don't think they should think less of me. Those in the know realize that when I have money, I'll spend most of it on them. There have been some who were impossible to figure; no way to know what to give them, either materially or of myself. I guess you just can't always win in that way, or don't always belong in every association that occurs along the path.