Wednesday, November 3, 2010


In my mind it seems that fear and the will collide. That's my latest theory to explain the lack of forward motion which yields an unpleasant future if not cured. My analysis of present circumstance leads me always to the conclusion that my best course is to follow the few creative enterprises that have been lying dormant before me for some time.

That takes nerve, resolve and perseverance. Qualities I've not honed to any degree in this life. The alternatives are unclear and limited at best. Those of which I am aware also seem slightly unpleasant. Hard labor loses its appeal very quickly at this stage of the game.

Two things do seem to temporarily cheer me up and take the edge off of long lasting heartbreak and panic regarding past foolishness and future condition; playing music with friends, and writing my fictitious story. 43 or 44 pages so far.

I find that when I continue the saga I am writing, and sit out back imagining what comes next, conversations between characters, and logistics involving various topics it involves, that I emerge from that cloud feeling lighter and less full of remorse or sadness.
Those two demons tend to dampen confidence and faith that it will be OK. My alleged book is good therapy, and like I concluded recently, a poor man has to be his own therapist. And that is not always good because it is easier to BS one's self tan it is anyone else.

I believe that. If it weren't so, then why go seek counseling? Exactly. Another human with insight and understanding can spot you fooling yourself better than you can. That realization blew me away when I first experienced it. That was in the early days after I stopped drinking. Well, early years. I sure found it easier to hook up with women when I could lie to myself and not know it, but that's another story altogether.

So, gridlock can be troubling when it exists in one's own mind. However, when it occurs in lawmaking bodies, I salute and encourage it. Anything that slows the creep of authority is a splendid item, in my book.

When I hear the miffed pundits of late decrying the possibility of gridlock among officials who make a profession of wielding power over us little people, the masses to them, I can't help but smile inside. So much of life would have been better had they managed gridlock on many of their past adventures.

Had they been too gridlocked to pass the 16th amendment, no IRS. Had they been too gridlocked to vote themselves cushy pensions and healthcare, maybe they'd behave a bit differently. The list goes on and on. I'll bet no one has a list and count of all the things that can earn one a fine and/or jail time. They create new offenses almost daily, many of which are spin offs of offenses already on the books. Makes me think I am neat and orderly in mind and surroundings by comparison.

But I am not. That doesn't matter so much as learning to picture what I want in my life, then doing the best I can to make it happen without letting fear and doubt create my personal gridlock. Authorities be damned. I'll let them do what they do. It can be a pain when their edicts present obstacles to my plans but I will ignore that as much as possible. Most of my plans sidestep areas which require license, fees, and any other number of permits or whatever.

Beginnings are tough. The most difficult aspect of beginning life over is to not do it the same way you did last time you started over. This involves questioning preconceived notions, long held ideas, and personal phobias and aversions. No small task, but worth it if I can remember to try it. One man's hell is sometimes another's heaven. Compared to where I was ony three years ago, this is heaven.

Opportunity abounds, as do reasons which can be dreamt up to debunk such opportunities.

Damn. I hear rodents. I sure hope they are on the outside of the cabin, pitter pattering around. Maybe I should look into this. The raccoon has had no luck now that the garbage lid is secured with a bungee cord. OK. Just had to write out some thoughts and theories. This lack of confidence and resolve must go. It serves no good purpose, and baby needs new shoes

1 comment:

  1. Gridlock in Washington DC? In reality most of us are centrist and a regression to the mean is a normal swing back to the balance of power.

    I am independent and will vote for anyone if I think it serves my own personal best interest. I 'm honest about it at least...


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